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elsie85
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08 Jan 2014, 11:01 pm

A guy I work with, I'm fairly certain has Asperger's...he's very cool, and I really want to get to know him better.

As far as me -- I am a neurotypical ENFJ. Its hard for me not to bound up to strangers and go "HEY THERE HOW ARE YA!?" I know enough about autism/aspergers to know that this could come across as awkward/intimidating (?)

We work in a fairly large, social environment. The other people who work with us have made comments (to me) that they think he has a crush on me (and really, I'm excited about this, as I like him thus far, and I'm excited to get to know him better and go from there) We're all old enough to handle this maturely, I just thought it was a nice observation.

Sometimes he does really well by asking me questions (and blushing, aww), sometimes they pertain to me, but usually something work related. He is also very complimentary of me, and does well with accepting my compliments of him. However, when I try to ask him something back (like, what are you eating for lunch? etc) he usually smiles, looks down, and struggles to respond. If we interact/talk throughout the day, this happens maybe twice a day.

I really respect him, and like I said, I want to get to know him better. But first, I want him to be comfortable around me. I feel awful that I may be making him SO uncomfortable that he's unable to speak :(

Any tips? Insight? So, how much am I totally overthinking this, haha? Thank you!



KingofKaboom
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08 Jan 2014, 11:24 pm

If he's anything like me it might take a while for him to really open up. I know this will sound crazy but I don't fully open up until I've been friends with someone for several months atleast. As for over thinking you may not be, I'm really shy and uncertain of myself when it comes to romance as I lack experience with it. I would say not to look like you notice when he gets flustered or doesn't know how to respond, he probably thinks that you want to go to lunch with him and it makes him embarrassed (it would me). If you want to go to lunch with him though ask him a day or two beforehand maybe? For me a sudden abrupt change can really throw me off balance and make me not act like I would normally.

Maybe ask for his personal email or phone # and try to keep in touch when not at work, something like that would make me feel more comfortable spending non work related time with a woman without overwhelming me. Patience is a really big thing, and being very straight forward and explaining what you mean. Subtlety is my arch nemesis when it comes to interacting and leads more to confusion and miscommunication that anything else. All this depends on IF he actually has AS, could just be a shy guy or any number of things. Also don't ever bring it up with him ever, because if he has it and KNOWS he won't want you to know until he feels ready to tell you.


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elsie85
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08 Jan 2014, 11:59 pm

KingofKaboom, you are awesome! Thank you for your thoughtful response :)



thewhitrbbit
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09 Jan 2014, 10:05 am

I've always found communicating via e-mail much easier than by phone. It gives me a few extra seconds to think about what I'm saying.



Sherry221B
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09 Jan 2014, 2:34 pm

Quote:
Its hard for me not to bound up to strangers and go "HEY THERE HOW ARE YA!?"


If it's said way too loud, I'd feel intimidated. You know, those who are very noisy with the way they speak. I cannot stand that.
Also, in the hypothetical case that this happened while I was doing something important-like being focused at my reading-. it would make me to almost jump. I also cannot stand being interrupted while doing something else.



elsie85
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09 Jan 2014, 10:57 pm

I appreciate everyone's response!

Next question -- ah, how do I subtly deliver my number to him? Without scaring him off?



KingofKaboom
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09 Jan 2014, 11:18 pm

elsie85 wrote:
I appreciate everyone's response!

Next question -- ah, how do I subtly deliver my number to him? Without scaring him off?
This is assuming he will know how to initiate the first text message. The first girl I liked who wanted my number I made the dumb mistake of actually giving her MINE and not getting hers. She never texted or called, sweet girl very into me. Sadly I was blind to the social norm. I would try for emails instead of numbers, I know it's slow but an email lets him really think about what he wants to say before he sends it. Eliminates the urgency that is felt with texts and IM's


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elsie85
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17 Jan 2014, 9:17 pm

Update!

He sat next to me (for the second time) at lunch today! (multiple other seating options, so hey, I thought it was cool). I had to try and take the convo from there, but that's okay. As it turns out, we have some hobbies in common - and he seemed comfortable giving me some tips to said-hobbies in the area. As lunch went on, I let the conversation die off (which, the silence felt comforting to me, not awkward at all) but he seemed to grow anxious. Near the end, he kind of spazzed out, and went back to work.

Was it too much? I really have a growing interest in this guy (maybe I've posted in the wrong section...perhaps I should start writing in "NT crush on aspie dude" ha.