is there a list of social guidelines?

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In dealing with my AspieFriend Marvin, who says he wants to know when he's off-putting, it would be easier if I could refer to a list of guidelines.

Otherwise it sounds like I'm just making things up, and he can think of plenty of examples where people didn't complain about the same thing, and it really should work better that way.

I really don't know what to tell you. Chances are he will be himself when noone complains and is happy. But one bad experience and one person giving him a "creep" label will guarantee he will hide in his shell for a while. That's saying his self-esteem and anxiety issues aren't under control.

I've never seen such a list. I've read books on manners, but they are pretty useless because most human beings have bad manners and think people with good manners are stuffy and weird, so that didn't work.

This site has been recommended on this forum before. I think it's pretty good:

A free detailed guide on how to improve social skills, from a former shy, awkward guy

I tell people to stop me when it's really egregious. Some things bother SOME people, others are more relaxed and used to "weird" behavior. Just tell him about the really bad stuff, like BO, dirty clothes, whatever affects most people negatively. He can't please everyone sadly.

I would recommend that he find friends who don't think his personality is "off-putting."

And I would strongly recommend that he never, ever, ride in a motor vehicle with John Travolta.

?

:Grin: I sent him that, last week. He says it's helpful.

Unfortunately, the site doesn't cover things like:
- over-talking
- over-writing
- verbal tactics to avoid (e.g. countering, minimising, one-upping, analysing, turning topic to oneself, etc.) even though socially non-awkward people seem to get away with them all the time
- recognising and accepting one's current place in social-desirability hierarchy; realistic options for improving that
- open displays of loneliness being counter-productive

And I didn't see body odor etc covered, but I might have skimmed the site too quickly.

Unfortunately there as so many non verbal things which would be hard to pinpoint

Unfortunately there as so many non verbal things which would be hard to pinpoint

By all means if you find such a mythical list as this... please send it to me post-haste.

Social guidelines vary by social group and social setting. That's part of what makes them so difficult.

I find with practice anyone can pick up on body language. It is a language it's just harder to interpret. If you want to teach your friend that sit him down and practice different faces and movements and explain what they mean.

The definitive list of do's and dont's in social interactions; you would make a fortune with something that like that if it was applicable in all situations.
Too many variables to nail it all down but a favourite from my personal log:
Don't stand in the corner when in a night club (where I am from drug dealers stand in the corner).

There are some books for social skills learning as well as manners books.

Amazon has some good selections.

I found this book very helpful:

A Field Guide to Earthlings: An autistic/Asperger view of neurotypical behavior
by Ian Ford

It explains "typical" behavior in a way that you don't feel guilty for not getting it on your own. (Rare, I know…)

Then it explains how you are expected to respond, without pressure to comply.

I use it a lot, as I am "surrounded" 10+ hours per day usually

Usually when someone is making a social error, it is inappropriate in the particular context and setting. Therefore, social rules can vary a little based on who the people are with, what is being discussed and where they are. It's hard to make a list of general rules when there is so many infinite possibilities for what is 'right' and 'wrong'.

The only thing I'd recommend is to familiarize yourself with the characteristics of ASD and then try and pinpoint what he is doing awkwardly based on these general sets of characteristics. For example, he may excessively talk about a limited range of specific subjects in casual conversations where people are expected to talk about a variety of general topics.