Need Some Advice....

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First time really posting, so apologies if this is in the wrong place:

I've been friends with these three girls for the over 10 years now. We don't live near each other anymore so we usually meet up once a year, and I'm very close with one of them. I talk to her on the phone consistently.

But I've always had the sneaking suspicion that they see me as the stupid one, just because I have really bad social skills and I'm really ignorant of some things. I know now that I'm that way because of Aspergers, but I'm still mad at all the times they never took me seriously and laughed at me. Like when we all first just met, I was in a bad place and needed someone to take my mental pain seriously, but they never did. Or sometimes when we're in a group, they would dismiss whatever I was saying. It's just small stuff like that that over time still hurts me, and I feel so worthless. There's no big incident that took place that really hurt, rather it's all the small and subtle things they've said over the years.

I've thought about bringing this up with at least the one girl that I'm close to, but I'm really scared. They've already know how I hold on to anger and can hold grudges, and this would only prove their point. I don't want to be angry and bitter, but I can't think of how else to let this go.

The friend I'm closet to knows I have Asperger's, but I don't think she knows how bad I've felt and how I've suffered. That sounds over-dramatic, but that's how I feel.

So my question is, should I talk about this with her? I'm really scared that she'll think less of me and won't take me seriously, just because all this stuff happened years ago. And I'm beginning to think less of me, because I feel like I should just let this all go and move on, but I seriously can't. I really don't want to be the person that brings up old wounds, but they're not old to me. They still affect me everyday and I'm really struggling.

Any advice would be great.

I can't advise, only commiserate. In my experience, the neurotypical brain is not capable of understanding the depth, nor the persistence of our pain. The things that cut and fester in our souls are to them, forgettable flesh wounds and we are just insufferable babies grousing endlessly about hangnails.

They are unaware of the slights and the insults with which they torture us, because it isn't happening to them. They are incapable of feeling compassion for situations they have not themselves experienced. Even if they pretend to recognize your pain, they will never accept any responsibility for having caused it, because as far as they are concerned, it's a tempest in a teapot.

The best you can hope for is to be patronized, but you will never be truly understood. We are aliens on this planet. They cannot think like we do and they feel no need to try.

I would explain this to your friend, but emphasize it in the context of ASD: explain to them that it can make it hard for you to know how to act in social situations and that if you are annoying them or making them feel uncomfortable, it's not intentional. It's hard not to feel hurt when others are not including you in the way you'd like them to, and I completely emphathize with this feeling. It would be a good idea to ask how to improve your interactions with them so that you can feel more included. Ask if there is anything you do that annoys them and what you can do to change.

If this person truly is a close friend, she will be understanding and receptive to this. If not, it's time to move on.

I'm just really worried because I'm still hurting from stuff that happened years ago, and I know she'll be thinking, well why didn't you saying something back then? I'm really scared to bring up old stuff and have them think less of me, even though I know and understand that I'm social inept and that old stuff like that still bothers me.

I think I'm going to talk to her though, I'm not sure how I'll do it. But I really can't see any other option. All the old stuff bothers me so much that I'm seriously considering to never meet up with them again.

It's okay to be scared but know that you are not here to please them. You are simply trying to put your foot down. What you might need to do is take a few days to cool down. I would then invite them to meet you for coffee or invite them to your home.

When they come over, I would then calmly explain that you love them and hold them very closely to your heart. I would then express that I need to get something off my chest.

Question: "How much information do you actually know about Asperger's Syndrome? I mean, do you even understand me?"

Let them talk. Then say, "Because, I really feel that since we are friends that you appear to see me as lower than both of you. If we are going to continue to be friends, I demand some respect." If they get overly upset then let them go because they are not your friends.

When it comes to things of the past, don't bring that stuff up because she will think you are baring a grudge against her. I would mention what the other said.

Thank you guys for the advice.

Summer_Twilight - I think I might do something like that. None of them live near me so all of this will have to be discussed over the phone, but I really like your idea.

I think I know what to do now, so thank you all.

I don't think I'll bring up old stuff with them, because that's just holding a grudge and honestly ever since posting this I feel a bit better about stuff that happened in the past and I don't feel the need to go over it with them.

I am glad to hear it. I hope that things all work out. Let me know how things went.

I wish you luck. But really be up front and tell her how you feel. If she isn't receptive of your feelings then obviously the friendship might deteriorate quickly. This is my honest look and advice to you. Do what you want to do

Thanks guys. I talked to my friend and I think I feel a bit better? I had trouble with my words, and I didn't want to show how much I keep thinking about past events, but I think she caught on anyway. But she was really supportive and knew that I'm going through a lot, so it was good I don't know if I said all the things I wanted to say, but I said enough.

Thanks again for all the advice.