Tips and Tricks Needed

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I like many of my fellow Aspies try hard to overcome many of the barriers we find in dealing with others but I'll admit I have a couple that just seem to be personally insurmountable and any personal stories of how to overcome or soften some of these problems would be greatly appreciated.

1. One of my nastiest aspie traits is that when people are speaking to me (especially arguing) my value in what they say is almost entirely based on how they say it, not necessarily why they're saying it. If they say something that doesn't make sense or use words that make what they say sound irrational or illogical, I automatically value what they're saying/feeling less because to me it seems like they don't care about what they're saying enough to make it come across as intelligent. The errors in the way the speak totally stick to the forefront of my concentration causing me to often point out that what they just verbally presented me "broke my brain" as it were. As a result, people say I am notorious for making them feel bad about how they feel because suddenly they realize their opinions or point of speech came across as making them look unintelligent. I have been trying desperately to really focus on the why and not the what of social back and forths but the errors just stick out overwhelmingly like a stubbed toe. I have tried to not say anything about the errors but people I know well tell me they know I'm doing this because it causes my face to twitch resulting in them asking what they did wrong.

2. When I am out and about at a bar or the like and see people I know they're usually very welcoming and we chit chat up a bit and laugh and joke but I find that groups of my friends/acquaintances after a bit of back and forth close up into a circle to chit chat with each other and totally leave me outside of the ring (think of the scene in Dumbo where his Aunties won't let him get any of the hay). Even if I don't say anything outlandish I'm almost always squeezed out and I often wonder just how deliberate this is as I try not to take it personal. In this situation, do I try to get back in somehow or do I just take the hint and go sit by myself?

Although, the way people speak is a big problem as I wrote above, hands down my biggest problem is handling my excitement. I know we all have special interests and they're fun and all but I'm talking about excitement about people that you think you might be able to connect with either as friends or lovers. If I could change the world, I would just have it so that when you meet someone with good chemistry you can just start adventuring together full force. But I understand that normal people need time to warm up and fall in love (not to say I fall in love at first sight, but I definitely don't need to wait days before wanting to go do something with them again). What ends of happening is that I always have to end up initiating everything. If I don't call friends and ask them to join me in my plans, I would never see them. If I don't ask someone out, I would never have a date. In my 31 years of life, I have never asked someone out where they couldn't make it and put any effort into rescheduling. I learned long ago people fear making connections with each other (especially in the gay world) but how do people operate so non-caring when they meet people they have so much in common with (interest wise)? Anyway, I can't change the way they are so what are some tips I can do to curb my excitement when meeting people I actually have an interest in?

Thanks for any and all advice.

I also deal with the things you discuss, and will mention how I have dealt with them, with varying degrees of success.

1. Dismissing poorly expressed thoughts - I have had to make a hard conscious choice that while they are talking I concentrate on their inherent value as a spiritual being, and how I am quite certain there are those in this world who dislike my manner of speaking. It sounds hokey, but it is what works best for me. In best cases it replaces dismissiveness with some degree of compassion.

2. Conversation huddles - If you are talking about gay bars, then yes I am very familiar with the cliquey little conversation huddles that guys can form. I have tried all the approaches you mention, and the one I have found works best is to take the hint and move on. Otherwise I become "that guy" and am less likely to even get the courtesy of the initial chit-chat.

3. Social enthusiasm - Yeah, been there too. When I meet someone that I feel a connection with I can get such a rush of good hormones that my thinking gets clouded and I kill things by moving too fast.

I am reminded of the old Elvis tune "wise men say only fools rush in"; I think that makes me a fool, because it is what I can do I also used to go to a country/western bar where two-stepping prevailed. In looking for a dance partner I remember being warned "watch out for so-and-so - he falls in love with everyone he dances with". That caused me to make a mental note not to be that guy.

All of that said, a therapist once fold me there are two types of people: those that are not afraid to initiate contact, and those more likely to wait for other to do that. I am definitely in the Initiator category. My big challenge has been to moderate that.

What I most like to do is adopt a 50/50 contact initiation scheme with people. If I initiate contact with them, then I do not do so again until after they have reciprocated by initiating contact with me. And yeah, a lot of contacts die very quickly that way, but I find it or some variation of it helps me keep my enthusiasm in check and more in line with social conventions. (Side note: This is what works for me in gay dating and social life. In the straight community it may well be different due to cultural conventions for guys to do more initiating, but I can't speak to that.)

Wow I don't think I could have asked for a more appropriate person to get a response from!

I always think its kind of funny. Being put out the group as it were by people when going out and other people not having good reciprocal initiation has been a uniquely American experience for me. When I'm abroad or even out at my local bar, foreigners always are very welcoming and initiate with little hesitation.