Sense of Community

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Links
Wikipedia: Sense of Community
Wikipedia: Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs

Wow, I recently found out that I didn't really understand the definition of counseling.
Also, I grew up without developing a "sense of community" at all. Not even family!

My dad taught me that your family drags you to social events, and all social events are good for is to make people hate you and spread diseases, and just keep to yourself and avoid paying attention to the other people. My family even ate separated from everyone else at potlucks, and we only ate our own food. It was always a painful experience watching other people approach my family at these social events and try to interact. All they ever accomplished was making my dad hate them.
According to what I learned growing up, there was never any reason to maintain family obligations or connections with friends. What's the point of putting in all that effort with no reward? I didn't even know there was a reward! As soon as I was 18, my dad said I was a man and I could make my own decisions, so I immediately stopped associating with anyone.

Now that I look at the real definition of community, and what a sense of community is, it seems to all make sense. The strange behaviors that I witnessed among people at social events, and even the baffling notion that people would want to go to them in the first place all make sense to me now. Not that it's any less alien of a concept to me, but now I have a starting point, a way to empathize with others at the community level. Even though I may never develop a "sense" of community, at least now, I can identify it in others and learn to deal with it.

I've (possibly) been experiencing the side effects of ignoring basic human social needs. Maybe this is the answer I've been looking for!

Now that I understand what community is, and why people want it, I think it's going to be a lot easier for me to make friends.
Maybe this (the links?) could help others who don't understand why people are driven to do what they do at a basic level.

Community is something that seems inaccessible to me due to my inability to be part of a group in the first place, leaving little room for bigger concerns like safety, bonding, and interdependence. I understand, but that doesn't mean that participating is easy or even worthwhile for me unless I can gain more than I'm required to give.

No matter what originally drew me to a group, there are too many fundamental or very important differences and the only way to remain part of it is to keep my mouth closed, which leaves me feeling like an outsider and a fake - possibly even a sellout. I don't feel whatever other people feel when they place community, harmony, and group consensus first, with the exception of places like my work environment (which isn't a community, anyway). Alternatively, I can speak up and alienate myself.

Most of my friends are the same way, and I even made one recently while discussing that very topic. It's comforting to know that there are many people like me and that they can be intelligent, happy, and successful in their guises. There's one community in the world I can say I somewhat feel like a part of after a few years of practically zero social rituals and restrictions on speech.

KWifler are you saying your dad is on the spectrum and you are not ?

coffeebean i feel exactly the same way you do

sense of community.... Isn't that why we are all on here. We all feel the need to express ourselves and identify with a group, and belong to something....

I feel very similar to you , in that my dad is very antisocial and I grew up not knowing how to deal with people in a socially normal way. I've mastered isolating myself (so I can think clearly) and then realized that people are not so bad if you learn how to get them. I have the knowledge (I think) to deal with people, but implementing it is difficult in practice. You have to learn not to let people drain your confidence and energy (I tell myself)....

Haven't clicked your links yet, but will....

This begs the question of "nature or nuture"....

i think dr tony attwood said aspie behavior can rub off on nt people in the family but they soon snap out of it once around other nts

Link
Wikipedia: Social Capital - effects on health
Interesting... This section on social capital suggests that there are actually health effects of having a poor community environment.
Community is a pretty overarching concept. You can have community at a job, and you can even commune with nature.

@ coffeebean
I know what you mean. My dad has the same difficulties.
I don't want to imply that anything's wrong with you or that you need to change at all.

I don't think so. I think we're just at different parts of the spectrum... Plus I'm obsessed with human behavior and being normal...
I've spent plenty of time around NT's, and they didn't help me understand this stuff. They just confused me more.
A lot of social morals for NT's don't apply for people on the spectrum. They made me more hated the more I adhered to them.


Actually, I created an account here because I wanted to find answers. I wanted to find out why I think the way I do and why that alienates me from others so easily. I needed to figure out why this social discord was causing me to suffer (quality of life issues), as well as how to combat or reverse the effects of alienation.

What I found out was that people (in general) don't "think" they should form groups, instead they "feel" like it. I define instinct as any behavior that is directly triggered by an emotion (feeling). Thinking of community as driven by instinct made everything make sense to me. I had already (a few years ago) developed a working theory that people simplify all behaviors in a social setting into a finite set of emotional meanings, and that they seem to do it without thinking about it.

I find it necessary to develop an understanding of community mainly because I have very challenging health issues that can't be addressed by my current social circle, which has left my health to decline gradually over time, with the chance that it could fail catastrophically at some point. Many people I have tried to work with don't seem to have much interest in the quality of their work, or addressing needs, but rather preventing immediate loss (because it would reflect poorly on them), and helping people they like (out of a sense of community, read: favoritism).

kwifler feel just the same way you do with what said above

I think modern human society is lacking in real community. A lot of gatherings just seem artificial to me. People aren't really expected to be "there" for others. Even family members act like fair weather friends. A lot of "family get togethers" seem like formalisms that people seem obligated to do and are stressed out by. Once you get past college age people don't just get together just to hang out anymore. It's all about entertaining people. People don't know how to just "be" anymore. It's baffling.