The emperor's new clothes

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Heya,

I was wondering how people here deal with the following situations.

It quite often happens that people ask a question which is basically a request for me to compliment them. Like someone who said ''I'm handsome, am I not''. Well, no. He wasn't handsome at all according to me. (which I didn't say....) Someone said things like that about him being funny and having a great sense of humour yet whenever he was being funny, it felt awkward to me because it was so un-funny and childlike that I just wanted him to shut up. (which I also didn't say, it's extremely hurtful) Same with intelligence, a person proved to me to not be very smart at all yet he believes to be highly intelligent. Of course, being honest about my opinion in such a situation is quite bad because it's rude and it hurts people.

But here's the thing... I feel like I'm part of the crowd that cheers at the naked emperor who believes he just looks extremely elegant and sophisticated. Whenever I find myself in these situations I try to evade the whole subject because I'm either butchering someone's ego to a more or lesser extent and chasing someone away, or I'm part of the cowardly crowd that basically gives this person a false image of himself. And yes, that can be problematic too, think about the dude with the terrible sense of humour who thinks his jokes are something that speak FOR him, yet it works AGAINST him because to be really really honest, it makes him look like a fool.

Every time something like this occurs I'm conflicted and I try to evade the subject at hand because I'm still not sure as to what to do. I want to do the best thing and sometimes it's about things that are quite important to people. What do you do?

Edit: And I hate lying about these things.

I agree. In some cases I think people are doing them an extreme disservice by not telling them. Maybe not so much when it comes to looks and intelligence, but that guy with infantile humor is a good example. If people generally find him infantile, he'd be better off being told so. He's only setting himself up for ridicule otherwise, and he might go on making a fool of himself
It's even worse if someone realizes they're doing something wrong but no one will give them a straight answer.

As for what I do... In my younger days I would just say what I meant for the most part. Now... When someone says something like that I feel uncomfortable. I don't like it when people are asking for compliments. I take the easier way out and evade the subject. Or I'll say "stop fishing!"

I can't say that I've had many people "fishing for compliments" on their appearance or intelligence, but I don't socialize much, anyway. The few times I've seen it I do honestly think it was in jest.

One thing I do notice, since I spend a lot of time online, is how some people do things that are damaging to friendships but talk like they themselves are a bastion of empathy and goodwill. It boggles my mind how people can say, for example, that people must either lay their heart and soul out for the friendship or leave and admit that they wait for the other person to maintain the friendship or initiate contact, then blame everyone else for their trouble making and keeping friends.

I know I have Asperger's, but at 23 years old - duh! I never treat people as though my desire for connection is more important than their boundaries or comfort with giving out trust at any particular stage of friendship, and I know that if I make little effort I'll come across as disinterested. I know that some of my own preferences and flaws hinder the development of friendships for me, not my amazing intelligence or depth that's simply beyond the scope of those around me.

To these people, everything that goes wrong on a date or in a friendship is someone else's fault, and instead of being something like a social slip-up, getting the wrong impression, or having anxiety it's because they're selfish, superficial, not willing to invest, etc.

I know friendships are hard for some people, but how do I sympathize with something that? Everyone else piles on and talks about how hard it is to live in such a world while I sit there thinking about how they sound a lot like a***holes themselves. I don't want to cheer on the "naked emperor", in a sense.

Yeah, that's the only time I do it and only with those who know me well enough to know I'm kidding.

1. I'm sure your mother thinks so.
2. Why would you ask that way? A declaration followed by an question is not really a question.
3. I would say that there are people who are more ugly and some that are more handsome.
4. Have you ever read Sleeping Beauty"?
5. Wouldn't it be advisable to invest in humor, kindness, or truth as opposed to looks which fade?
6. Is this a code phrase to seek out homosexual connections?
7. Vanity is probably not something you want to advertise.
8. I'm not sure there is a universal measurement standard for handsomeness.
9. If you want to look good, stand next to a burn victim.
10. Superficial bait only catches superficial fish.

These people are obviously insecure, telling them the truth will not help them. Just try to think of a compliment that doesn't agree with what they say, but at the same time is not a lie.

Like for your friend who thinks he's handsome maybe tell him he has a distinct face (that is a blanket statement could apply to anyone).
For the guy who thinks he's smart, say "you have an interesting perspective."
again this is not a lie.
For the guy who thinks he is funny, you can say to him "you must be a big fan of insert famous comedian/ or comedy show." Again not a lie but you aren't holding your tongue.
Also, never say I didn't mean that as a compliment(unless you are joking),