Just how DO we meet other people and make friends anyway?

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Getting out there and doing things and meeting people just doesn't work most of the time.

You don't make friends by walking alone or with your best friend in the city or park or going to the movies. It seems like people are just too apathetic in public and only care about what they came for - spending time with their friends/family at a certain place, not to meet people.

I never understood people who tell you to "put yourself out there, go places, do things" it does help you meet some people sure, but this is very rare and only IF you make an effort. And when we do, we come off the wrong way, OR an apathetic N.T just won't show interest.

I've found clubs and groups you can join to be good ways to meet people, especially frequent members, and it's very social, but again you can come off as wrong and most of the time they are just too crowded, and the members are just too flexible (as in, people always come and go, only a minority are actual full-time members).

I've found nightclubs are a breeding ground for meetups, but most of the time it's the kind of people you don't want to get to know (people who only want a quick hookup), or just the nightclub is a bad place (I hate nightclubs and even fear them. The noise, the alcohol, boring, too social, cruel for us awkward Aspies, etc.)

What do my fellow Wrongplanet users think?

I'm only a teenager so maybe speaking to adults about this can help me learn more.

So, is "going places" and "doing things" alone or with a couple of friends a good way to meet people or not? Why or why not? How have your experiences been with this?

Thats a good question it probably boils down to interaction with people and building relationships. You have to behave in certain ways in order to appear likeable and approachable. I remember my school years werent the best, because I couldn do or relate to the typical teenager stuff. Maybe people who like the same things as you do its a good start, whether academics or extracurricular. Also its important to just hang out with people and give them your time; familiarity plays important role in building a connection. Also a few good friends is much more important than bunch of them, and being not too picky or not having unrealistic expectations also helps

I made friends via social media. When I was about your age, Myspace was still popular. It was easier to message someone that I knew went to my school and talk on there before we would be friends in person. Actually, often, I only was friends with someone online. Most of the time, I didn't even see my friends, even though they lived right next to me.

If you are a teenager, a nightclub might be a bit much for you as it is. I find getting to know people on forums online or meetup groups that are done in public so you don't get hurt are a possibility. If you have very narrow interests, sometimes it can help you. If you find someone who has the same very unique interest as you, they might be similar enough to make friends with.

As an example, I'm interested in economics. If I was to join a forum for that, I could expect to find people there that I might click with better than if I was just interested in cars. I find the latter too vague to possibly make friends at meetup groups.

If you managed to already make friends, going out with them can definitely help. Whatever gender you are, if you have female friends, they can often be like mothers and help guide you. If you have male friends, you can do "boy things" and be "one of the guys" often.

Depending on where you live, there might be meetup groups for people new to the area looking to make friends. This is one very good option.

It seems like certain cities are harder to meet people in than others where you basically have to just live there forever to make a significant number(or even small number) of friends.

I only have two friends but I met them when I was playing on a soccer team. Also, I have acquaintances that I've met through my two friends. So meeting the friends of your current friends and joining a sports team/club are the only ways I've met friends and recommend as a way to meet people.

I feel very much the same way as you. I don't know how some people do it. Someone at my work started there about a month ago, and already he has a friend or two in the area that he goes traveling with. How...I haven't a clue!

I have found clubs to be a good way to meet people, but as you said the member base is often not consistent. Typically the club leader will show up to most events, but that's about it. Not to mention, they often only have events once a month or so, and it is very difficult to develop connections with such a long time between meetings.

Location is everything! If you're in the middle of nowhere, there won't be enough people to be friends with. If you're in a big city, there will be far more options, but because of that you may be overlooked...most people will already have their circles of friends and may not want more.

One issue I have is that I have to move every 2-3 years for my job. It makes it very hard to develop lasting relationships, because by the time I actually get to know people in the area....I'm moving halfway across the country!

I actually live in a nice medium-size city that's overrun with upper middle-class and rich people therefore many of them are no doubt stuck-up NTs. lol

I didn't understand how other people made friends, then something occurred to me: that a lot of people had "friendships" that seemed very shallow. "Going places" and "doing things" works for them because they are content to get dressed up, go somewhere, talk about nothing, get drunk, etc. And even if they eventually get to a deeper relationship, the crucial difference between me (us?) and them is that they are willing and able to sludge through all that boring nonsense and the overstimulating outings to forge that deeper relationship.

For those of us who cannot bear that stuff (don't drink, can't feign interest in small talk, get too overwhelmed to go to places, are too "weird" or don't have the mainstream interests that make people initiate contact, etc.), we have trouble making it to the deeper relationship phase. So the go out and meet people thing does not work for us.


Even in a club dedicated to some interest, when people spark up conversation, it often starts with small talk and is not about the topic of the club. They (extroverted NTs?) use the club differently. If I went to a club, I would go there specifically to talk about the hobby that the club is for. The hobby is the main interest; the socializing is secondary. They use the club as a means to meet up and talk about other social things, or just whatever topic comes up, like it's a gentler version of a nightclub: the activity is very flexible. Their goal the opposite: socializing is primary, the hobby is secondary.

Sometimes when I put myself out there it doesn't work out so well.....I tried it when I was 15 tried to be more social and what not and yeah I made a few friends, but one girl I thought was my 'best' friend ended up stabbing me in the back and trying to set me up to get in trouble. Then in college yes I made a few friends but ended up getting taken advantage of by some of these so called 'friends'. And more recently I met someone and was making friends....but I ended up being stupid about it.

But yeah also being a female trying to go out alone to meet people sometimes isn't probably the safest thing, but yet I don't want to be limited to hanging out at home, with my dad or my brother and his friends not that I don't enjoy it but yes I would like to make some of my own friends and have people I can go and hang out with and do things with.

dang,you have bad luck with people.

I'm actually quite good at small talk and do enjoy talking about things other than the topic/hobby or things related to it, but I see where you're coming from. I think it's true that it is much easier to make friends online. The only problem is location differences. If you can make legit, true friends online, they can live half a city away, to half the world away.

Meeting people in public ways like social clubs and hobby clubs helps you meet people in proximity to you, people near your location, etc. But for all the reasons mentioned so far it just doesn't work out too well in prac.

I'm more interested in what do you exactly mean by "shallow" friendships? Do you mean friendships that aren't true? Ones where they don't really care about you in a deep way, but just do things with you that are "fun" (but pointless and tedious activities). Is this what you mean?

For me it's not the case of actually making friends, I actually seem quite good at conversation and can make friends pretty fast. For example if I moved into a new place I'd probably make a few aquaintances pretty quick. Might hang out with a welcoming neighbor for the afternoon and see them again other times.

What I mean is actually meeting people when leaving the house. When going outside, leaving your street, going places and doing things. I never understood why or how people would think you can make friends good and quickly by eating out at a restrurant, or walking in the park, or going to the cinemas. Whether you're with a friend or alone, you just don't meet many people this way. Unless you're a frequent customer and other's are frequent customer's, you're unlikely to meet anyone who will be interested in speaking to you/meeting you.

That's why I said club's are easier, but it's clear this isn't a much easier option either because of how infrequent its events AND members are...

I mean friendships that are based on doing things together rather than deep knowledge and appreciation of a person's personality.

I don't see why that is a problem. I think online friendships are perfect for aspies. Every single friendship I've had has been online with people living in other countries.

Most people like to be able to meet in person at least somewhat regularly.

I was always told to "go out and make friends" but I didn't know how you were supposed to do it, I joined a social club that was for people with disabilities but it didn't work out, I got picked on so I never went there again, then I went to another similar club but the people knew each other and I was like an outsider and I got picked on there too so I left that place, also they were only into sports things so that was no good.
I gave up in the end and felt I was better off doing my own thing then you don't get hurt.