I think one of my best friends is racist. What do I do?

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He's been my friend for almost seven years now and has helped me through a lot of crap...he's been SO nice to me in spite of having to take a lot of crap from me over the years, has been a good influence on me, etc....and due to not picking up on social cues very well I didn't notice him being possibly racist until recently. He's not SUPER OVERTLY CRAZY racist (like "white people are better and everyone else should go to concentration camps") but he's still insensitive and hurtful to people sometimes.

Here's why I think he's racist...

For one thing, every time he sees a black person he starts making racist black people jokes. I understand that sometimes people like offensive humor, but isn't there something wrong if the FIRST and ONLY thing you think to do when you see a black person is make black jokes?

He makes a lot of racist jokes and I know there's that whole "right place right time" thing, but sometimes he ends up hurting people's feelings and he doesn't CARE about it--it seems to make him mad that their feelings are hurt when he makes those jokes. Last night, he upset an Asian person by making a reference to Asian parents being stereotypically strict (commenting on a video about a mother abusing a baby and saying something like "that's worse than Asian parents") and the guy got mad and he got mad that the guy was offended.

He said, "If someone said something about me being white I wouldn't be offended" and I had to explain to him that it's different because he hasn't grown up being constantly reminded that he's white, and seeing no white people on TV except for side characters and "exotic" people and stereotypes, and being bullied or made fun of because of being white, and that this guy is probably pretty tired of Asian jokes at this point in his life. He sort of understood but he was still more mad at the other guy and said "People like him are the reason we can't say anything in this country without having to worry about being offensive" (which I find ironic since Autistic people REALLY can't say anything without having to worry about being offensive).


ANYWAY, I don't know what to do here because I always thought of racism and any other kind of bigotry as a HUGE dealbreaker for friendships...I can deal with homophobia and stuff like that with certain people because I'M LGBT (and most homophobic people are gay anyway). But those people are different because they need help and I can give them perspective and show them that I'm still a person...I don't think I can do that with racism since I'm just a white person too (so I can't use myself as an example or something).

What do I do? It's a great friendship and I don't want to lose it but at the same time I don't think I'll ever be okay again knowing that he's racist and that I really can't do anything about it...or IS there some way to make someone less racist? I really don't know what to do with this situation.

You *think* he's racist? Sounds more like as*hole. He just needs somebody to kick the sh*t outta him a couple times for being rude.

If he really is racist and if you like him and like being around him then you only have 3 choices.
1. Get him to stop being racist. (how is your problem)
2. Ignore it.
3. Become racist too.

Distance yourself from this guy as far and as long as possible. It's called guilt by association.

Racism is the belief that one race is superior to others, what he's doing is stereotyping, which a lot of jokes are based off of... Is he insensitive? Yes, but not racist.

And I wouldn't hope physical harm on such a person, they think they're being funny, wanting that to happen is worse than actually making racist jokes imo.

But you shouldn't drop him because of his insensitivity, human beings are flawed creatures and in no friendship are you going to find the perfect paragon, if he's a good friend, keep him and tell him to be more sensible of others.

Explain to him that there's a societal "taboo" about racism. Meaning that people often freak-out over the slightest hint of it, even if you aren't completely serious such as when making a mildly-racist joke about something for example.

Of course he may already be aware of the taboo as well, and finds stereotyping funny for the slight shock value of it.

The OP's friend reminds me of my ex except he didn't make racist jokes and stereotypical jokes about people. Yeah he would also get pissed if I took him seriously or got upset with his joking. I have also talked to him about it but he still kept at it so either he didn't care or he just didn't get it. He saw it as who he is and felt it was changing who he is if he had to stop it with me so he expected me to pick up on it and thought I would start picking up on it when he does it often enough and I get used to it. No for me, I just stop taking the person seriously and take everything they say as jokes but I will not do that in a relationship so that was why it bothered me.

Either your friend is an ass or he doesn't get it.

I don't know if saying what I would do is a good advice, but I wouldn't be friends with this person anymore. This is actually good for him because I would be preventing him from receiving a punch in the face.
sometimes people do those kinds of insensitive jokes because they are clueless. In that case explain it to him, if he is only being insensitive he will understand and stop. If he is racist or ass he will keep on doing it.
I disagree with the users that said this is not racist, only stereotyping. The division line really is a blur. Also don't you guys think that there is something wrong if the first thing he thinks of when he sees a black person is a racist joke? Maybe you guys don't know but humour and teasing is used by humans to establish hierarchy.

Stereotypes harm people. The research on academic performance is clear, just search "Stereotype Threat." Therefore, perpetuating stereotypes discriminates against the people who are stereotyped. Inform your friend that he harms people with his stupid jokes, and he still doesn't stop then you shouldn't have as hard a time acting on the decision to cut him off, or at least yell at him until he stops. Which do you consider worse, yelling or making racist remarks?

This is the complexity of people: otherwise good, helpful people can be racist or homophobic or otherwise irrationally prejudiced. We always see racists on TV as rude, angry or selfish and not the guy who helped you change your flat tire or volunteers at the animal shelter. So I'm not surprised you didn't notice for a long time.

It sounds kind of like you're wondering if it's ok to still be friends with him, and I'd say it is. He's not a bad guy, just has a bad view. Don't try and change him, but just let him know you'd prefer he keep his racist opinions to himself when you're around.

Regardless
Regardless of all logic, if he was attempting humor, and if he cannot see that he failed epically -without anyone needing to tell him he failed- never mind speeches about kindness and sensitivity, and then modify his attempts to achieve his desired outcome, (entertainment and laughter), and pay attention to the feedback, rinse & repeat...

Then he's a moron and he's not really trying to be funny but simply trying to mask a scared insecurity.
And that's kinda sad.

So, Klowglas, you're using that definition of racism where it's a terrible, awful thing that only happens in KKK meetings and such. By your definition, the Ole Miss fratboys hanging a noose around the statue of the university's first black student isn't racist.

Also, trepanation has been used since antiquity, and is a very useful tool for healers today. You first!

Yes that is racist because there is an intent to degrade a whole people, stereotypes are depicting characteristics be they positive or negative, there's no intent to degrade the people because the intent is entertainment, like using a jewish banker isn't at all racist, it's just a character portrayal.

I think the above part in that wikpedia page can clarrify the issue:


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stereotype ... _attitudes