Frustrated with friend

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Just venting, feel free to respond or not

TL/DR, A friend proved super flaky from my POV, but took offense at me leaving her behind when she was.

This is what happened. I had a friend whose birthday party was on Saturday. It's almost an hour to get to her house. I left my apartment with enough time to stop at a walmart, get a food item to take, and be there on time. I am always on time. I get anxiety when I'm not able to be on time.

Halfway to the walmart, I got a text from another friend who wanted to go. Her brother decided not to go and she wanted a ride. She does have her own car, and has no problem with driving the distance required. She had actually drove much farther the day before. But I was okay with this.

I turned around, and got stuck in traffic on the Freeway heading back to her place which was in the opposite direction of where I was heading. Between Traffic, finally getting off onto surface streets, and bypassing the traffic, I had just added on an additional 40 minutes to my time. Throughout this, I texted her twice, safely while stopped waiting for a light, what the situation was, that I would be delayed in picking her up. At this point, I figured, I could still make it. I would just drive faster, and take the quickest route and forgo bringing the food item.

I got to her house, and she wasn't ready to go. Instead, she was going to do the makeup for her grandmother, and a friend of her grandmothers before the two went out to dinner with other friends before leaving with me to the party. I said, I didn't want to be late, and she said that it's okay to be fashionably late because everyone is. I told her that I'm always on time, and I didn't like not being. I explained that I was now anxious about being late when I had committed to being there on time.

She stated it wouldn't take long to do the makeup. I thought this would be done, and we'd be late. I could handled this. She dissapeared and I sat down, and started watching the first episode of Seaquest DSV on netflix with her brother and another mutual friend. She reappeared and got on her laptop, while also watching Seaquest. I asked if she had done the makeup yet, and she said no. Her grandmother would call when she had gotten home and was probably still out shopping with her friend.

WTF? By now it was shortly before the time the party was to start. My anxiety was through the roof. The grandmother called about ten minutes later, and my friend and I put her stuff in my car, so she could get in and we could go. She went over next door to where her grandmother lived, and I went back in the house to her brother and another friend and continued watching Seaquest.

A half hour went by, and nothing. Another half hour went by. Ended up watching two episodes of Seaquest. She had yet to come back yet. My anxiety is off the charts. I can't sit down. I'm pacing. The brother had fallen asleep. I alerted the friends at the party twice throughout this that I was going to be late but not why. It's almost another half hour and the friend comes out of the family room and calls his mother to pick him up since he doesn't have a car yet. I've decided at this point, I've had enough waiting.

I volunteer to take him home and then go onto the party. He accepts the offer. I text my friend that I'm leaving since I don't know when she'll be done. I take her stuff out of my car, and put it in her house. The friend and I leave. He was invited to the party, and I ask if he wants to go to it, and he says yes. He initially didn't have a ride so he wasn't going to go.

A third of the way there, I get a text back from the girl that she's done and she is hurt I left her without telling her earlier that I was leaving. I didn't respond. The other friend and I went to the party. We were only 2.5 hours late. I spent just over two hours waiting for the friend before I gave up and left her behind.

We had a good time. I didn't panic at any point from social anxiety or let my aspergers get the best of me and mess everything out. A win overall.

I will never allow this to happen again with her. This isn't the first time this has occurred. Before she has promised to do something with a time and a date and blown me off. I cannot operate where I allow my schedule to be disrupted and my time be placed at the whim of another who doesn't seem to care.

It sounds like you did your best to be there for the girl and that you know what she is like. I also agree that you handled her so well. I really feel that it was really rude of her to ask you to pick her up and then for you to be lead around. That was strange too.

I had someone pull things like that on me before

E.G- Someone who I was staying with for a couple of weeks had came into my room and told me that she had to work late. So she told me go and get dinner at a mall and then she would pick me up. She then said that we would go and listen to some house music get some daiquiris. The next night came and she changed her story.

1. Me catch the bus back to her apartment and go see a movie with her
2. While I was waiting for the bus she called again and changed her mind saying that we would go out for dessert.

This went on and on with calls and changing her story too.
I finally get back to her apartment excited when I saw that she had a Cherry Lime-ade slushie from a local drive thru while there was nothing for me. The next thing the phone rings and she goes to answer it and boast about a huge birthday party that she was planning to throw herself. In the middle of the call she told the person on the other end about how tired she was.

I went to put my make up on and she comes up and asks what I am doing. I said that I am putting my make up on. She said "Are you sure that you want to do this? I tired." Then she saw me disappointed and this pitiful smile on. "Well where did you want to go." I said where. Then she responded "Oh well we have pineapple sherbet in the freezer if you want some."

Yeah, in all honesty, you went far out of your way to be there for her, jeopardizing your plans to try and be nice. She needs to understand that she was majorly taking advantage of you and that she has no right to be upset. That's completely disrespectful of her, especially to assume you'll wait for her to finish unnecessary tasks beforehand that she didn't mention on the phone.

My mom used to be the same way. I'm the kind of guy who plans my route five times to make sure I can get there on time or early. She would often times drop me off five to ten minutes late. I remember another case where I asked her for a ride home from a concert with some friends of mine (one of their parents were dropping us off but they worked late and couldn't pick us up). I remind her several times throughout the week and when the concert comes, I let her know the time. She's nowhere to be found when the concert ends. Then, about an hour later, she shows up with a car full of people, looks at me and my friends and goes "oh...I forgot". So we had to cram about eight or nine people into a six seater. I was never so glad to get out of a vehicle than I was that night.

I'm sorry that this happened to you. I know I would feel upset just like you but know that I'm helping a friend who needs it.

On the other hand the least your friend could have done was offered to take you out for dinner for making you miss the party. I mean its quite insensitive of a friend to delay you let alone she knew about the party and had you drive 30 minutes out of your way to get her. She did not even offer to pay you for gas or did she?

I would reconsider taking her anywhere because the least she could have done was tell her Grandmother that she has a party to go to and that you graciously drove 30 minutes out of your way to get her etc.

Its normal to be fashionably late but not 1 hour late more like 20 minutes or so unless there was a major accident and then you would call to let your host know you are running late.

I hope you will have a heart to heart conversation with your friend to say how disappointed you were with her delaying you and you were very patient. I hope she will make it up to you in one way or another.

You would have had food at the party but now you were sitting there waiting anxiously with no offer of food or water. This is how it seems to me from reading your post and I apologize if I'm drawing conclusions as I was not there.

Hope you won't encounter a situation like this in the future. I know with my friends I would never delay them unless an emergency came up and then I would tell them to go ahead without me and find some other way to the party or call the host and explain the emergency and apologize.

Hope this helps. BTW I don't have Aspergers but a lot of my friends do so this is why I'm on this forum because I have been very interested in Aspergers/Autism and am happy to give advice when its needed.

I feel your pain as I was in a similar situation but just got over it because its not worth dwelling on something that can't be fixed thats in the past.

I think I would have done the same in your situation. I understand how frustrating it can be, I know the feeling very well. I absolutely hate it, but have learned to deal with people like this. I know its not that big of a deal to most normal people.
In my country there is a word for a person like this (although this case might not fit perfectly, she was mostly just being completely disrespectful of your wish to be on time which is just so, so rude), its called being a "tidsoptimist" translates to time-optimist. You dont seem to have/use that word in english but it means a person who is always late because they estimate they will need a lot less time to do something than they in reality end up needing.

I find this personality trait to be extremely frustrating, I pretty sure that might be related to being on the spectrum. I have had several friends who were extreme time-optimists, and hence I learned how to deal with it in a socially acceptable way. Instead of become frustrated, anxious, angry, I can handle it pretty well know.
First of all - this is a "problem" that normal people might get annoyed with, but it rarely causes a big emotional reaction in them. That is important to remember. So learn to relax about it, on the outside. You cant control other peoples behavior, only your own response, and you're probably going to want that response to be socially acceptable. Learn that being late is not that big of a deal to most people, and being late to a party is more common than not being late.

With a person who is always late to things it can be helpful to 1. Speak to them honestly about how you feel about this and make sure they understand 2. always set a timelimit, like "i will be leaving in an hour with or without you". 3. Set that time limit like 30min/10 min/whatever earlier than when you actually have to leave or meet up or what ever it is you're doing. That way there is some wiggle room for the other person to be late without actually being late...

I like the idea about speaking to the girl who "Took advantage of your time." I would offer to meet her somewhere or talk with her over the phone. Then that way you can ask her if something in her life is going on. Then you might want to let her know that:

1. Ma'am I really feel like you did not think about others
2. We did not agree to me having to giving your grandmother a make over or make me wait. We agreed that I would pick you up and that is it.
3. I understand that you are upset but I feel like you led me around knowing that I had other plans. We can hang out together like this on another occasion.