I have now arrived at the Wrong Planet

Post Reply New Topic

I am a peptalker. That's what I tend to do on this forum, sending posts in reply to certain threads, saying 'Oh, it's all right, you can fix it like this' or 'Don't get so down on yourself, look at it in a different light'.

But now, I am all out.

When I was a kid, I felt at home on this Earth. I had my loving mother, my loving -yet often drunk- father, my supersweet grandma and aunts, and my cousins who were pretty much like brothers and sister to me.

When I went to school, I felt at home on this Earth. Because in every class, there were bound to be kids I could gte along with like a house on fire. We shared our contempary troubles and joys together, and it was awesome. Even if secondary school introduced us to the concept of cliques, and we were quickly branded the 'freaks and geeks'.

When I moved to Amsterdam and my life got turned upside down in a bad way, I yet felt at home on this Earth. I still had my mother, although I was getting more independent as weeks went on- I had the fun things I could do to balance the not-so-fun stressful things. I had my interests, both academic and artistic, and pop cultural. I drew occasionally, I learned new languages, I read, I travelled.

Wen I started working, I felt at home on this Earth- even though I had never managed to find any friends, I was occasionally hanging out with two acquaintances even if that did not last all that long. I may not have gotten along with my co-workers in general, but I got satisfaction out of my work. And I got satisfaction out of my pastimes.

Now that I have returned to my old childhood hometown, I don't feel at home on this Earth. I've lost contact with my acquaintances, I have no friends, my relationship with my relatives (whom I live with) is very, very strained. I feel awkward everywhere I go, and I notice that many people comment on my apparent aloofness and general lack of participation in social events.

At age 27, I am theoretically a lot more adept at engaging other people in social interaction than I was at age 17. Yet why do I feel more like an alien among people now than I did at age 17? Why does the feeling of estrangement from this entire world and especially its human societies, increase with the more social skills I pick up and the more social understanding I get?

I feel increasingly hopeless!

Clarity of thought, before rashness of action.

It seems as if you've moved recently--that could cause a feeling of disconnectedness in the most NT of individuals.

Increased social skills will invariably reap benefits--though it doesn't seem so right now. The acquisition of social understanding could only be positive; you could tell if somebody is getting slick with you.

Are you still employed at the same place?

I've had small menial jobs here and there scattered throughout my adult life so far (I'm 27). I've never held a job for more than 6 months. I'm currently a reserve back-up employee for a cleaning company. They call me whenever someone else is sick or on holiday.

I've been living in this smalltown for a year now, and feel as though I've failed at settling in.

And these days, I no longer quite have as much faith in rational thinking. What good has it done me so far? I've always seen myself as hyper-rational, but everyone around me values intuitiveness and the social masquerade. I can't keep up with it even if I had all the logic skills of the world at my disposal.