Ever since I was young, my parents have always tried to get me to be more of a listener and less of a talker. It took me 30 years to figure out what they meant and why it works. It was and still is difficult because talking is my principle modality for alleviating nervousness, feeling comfortable, and feeling engaged. It is at this point in my life, at 37, that I had an epiphany. Social skills learning is not so difficult - I was just in my own way. The act of dominating a conversation or steering a conversation constantly to myself left little brain power left over for observation. The moment I told myself that I would be an active observer and listener, I learned so much. I had to go to a funeral in April which I dreaded because I never could figure out whether or not sympathy expression is appropriate. I would usually end up expressing sympathy and causing more grief or being the jerk that said nothing at all. To make matters worse, I was accompanying my girlfriend so I had the potential to embarrass more than just yself. This time I waited for a few other people to go ahead of me and watched what they did. They were offering expressions of sympathy so I figured I wouldn't go wrong. And, for the first time in my cotton-pickin' life, I didn't screw it up.
It still isn't easy as I get strong urges to speak and dominate the conversation: it's not being selfish so much as it is the way I'm wired. Believe me, I do for others whenever and wherever I can. So I have to go in to social situations being aware of myself whereas an NT can do this without conscious thought. Yes, it is exhausting and energy draining. People that get to know me, know that when I feel comfortable with them I forget to be as sharp a self-monitor as usual so I slip on occasion and I can usually catch myself, apologize, and resume listening.
Social skills are paradoxically easy which is to say that the principles are really simple but putting them into play can be anything but.
03 Sep 2014, 2:25 pm
