Do you think people judge those who are not social?

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I know that people judge those who don't have any friends, which is a fear of mine because the two I have may move out-of-state, but I'm wondering about the possibility of just keeping up appearances to avoid being ostracized or becoming a target. I don't think I could ever pretend to be a truly outgoing, social person, but I can certainly avoid giving the impression of being totally alone and everything others believe that implies.

Just wondering.

You answered your own question.

I agree. They judge, but it doesn't matter. Even if everyone in the world disapproved of my behavior, morals, opinions, and interests, they wouldn't stop me from living my life how I choose. I'm happy as long as I know in my heart that what I'm doing is right and understand the reasons behind my thoughts and actions. I'm in control of my own life, not the lives of others. There's no need to impress anyone or seek their approval.

I don't care about their approval. I care about becoming a target or actually ostracized and avoided. Those who are alone can be seen as damaged and undesirable (why else would they be alone, the reasoning goes), and I need to work in order to feed myself and fund my interests. At the very least, I need to be seen as a bright and hardworking quiet person who contributes to a workplace, not someone no one tolerates or who's too unstable to have friends.

If anyone actually did target me for anything from burglary to assault, I would have only my family and two people I barely see to turn to. I'm worried that even coworkers could turn on me and make keeping a position hard if they got wind of this and decided to cause trouble for me.

I understand what you're saying now. It sounds like you're in an unsafe area and worried about being seen walking alone. In that case, yes, for the time being, it'd be a good idea to socialize just for the safety of being in a group. And of course you should also be actively seeking like-minded people who you really do want as friends. Hopefully you'll gain a close friend or two who'll split a place with you in a safer area.

It really depends on which "people" you're talking about. It sounds like from you're post that you're a student of some sort. In that case, people in school tend to be more judgmental as a consequence of being around people their age all the time. Once you're out of college, I'd imagine that judgmental people become less visible.

What I've found is, not only do they judge you, they also try to change you. I've met people who try to change my eating habits constantly as if it's as easy as changing clothes. You cannot force someone to suddenly make eye contact or not be afraid of loud sudden noises. Maybe they see it as an easy challenge. I don't. I find it annoying, actually.

Why wouldn't they? People judge for absolutely everything else.
Even we do.

Yes, they do, but who cares? It's not like an opinion can come up and punch you in the face.

Depending on what the OP meant by "not social," not being social and not having any friends could be two different states.

Depending on what many people on this forum mean by all sorts of things they post, any number of implications and interpretations are possible. That's largely due to the flexibility of written language, and it's up to the OP to explain herself in further detail as the thread progresses.

Given the context of the discussion up to this point, the OP seems concerned about fitting in to avoid becoming an easy target, so "making friends" and "being social" can both be viewed as behaviors that would at the very least improve her psychological sense of security.

The fact is that people who are always alone, friendless, and struggle with socializing are judged, and it's usually not in a positive light. Being an introverted aspie myself, I know how it feels to be manipulated, teased, or ignored. With that said, I suspect paranoia may be an issue here, because it's uncommon for co-workers to be as malevolent as the OP is suggesting.

It all depends on what's important to you. How social do you want to be? If you are happy being alone but simply want to give the appearance of being more social to the public, you can learn to be friendly without actually compromising your personal boundaries. You can talk to people on a daily basis without ever giving your cellphone number, inviting them over, or meeting at a place you don't want to. But when you're out, it helps to be curious about the world, to focus on the positives in people, and to take an interest in the lives of those in your community. You'll find that if you can cultivate a genuine interest in humanity, most will respond well to you.

Making long-term, trustworthy friends is much more difficult. But even NTs can struggle with that.

Of course they judge.
The judgement itself isn't important.
The actions they take BASED on those judgements are the trouble. They draw all the wrong conclusions they please, then act upon them as if they were doubly verified fact.

v_v;

I might worry a little bit if people think I'm anti-social (like at work), but as far as spending my time alone without friends, who cares? They don't have to know. And if they know, so what. My friends also moved away.

It's also uncommon for schoolmates to pretend to be your friend so that they can snicker at your weirdness behind your back and encourage you to do and say more weird things. Yet it happened to me when I was younger. I can't afford to just scoff at the unlikely as if it's no threat to me at all, because the unlikely can and does damage people's lives. Paranoia is when there is no reasoning and the fear reaches delusional levels, not when something is real but unlikely to happen.

I am already friendly towards people and I work a job that involves interacting with others. I'm not some hermit who's terrified of everyone. I'm just afraid of what could happen if people who still bully as adults find out and decide to make the loner their target, or I'm employed by someone who's judgmental when it comes to an employee's social life and think that implies that I'm sick, unstable, inept, or antisocial. People can respond flippantly with "oh, who cares" all they want, but I care (thus why I'm taking the time to post about it) and that is a possibility.

I'm also concerned that not having a social life would prevent me from developing one in the future if I decided I wanted to be more social. If people look at that as a sign to keep away from someone, I'm not going to get much of a chance to become involved and connect without keeping up a good facade. Even then, I'll know that the people I'm talking to, if I was being honest, wouldn't want me in their lives and I'd have to live with that hanging over our friendship like a dark cloud.

We're apparently talking at cross-purposes.

I agree with you that the OP could have been speaking of two distinct states. Please, let us continue the discussion. I value your perspective and would like to hear more from you on this subject, especially now that the OP is shedding more light on her situation.



Yes, it's understandable, and you have a right to feel that way. Just by thinking about this and expressing your anxieties here, you're already taking a positive action. You have a need to establish connections with others. All of us do. It's now a matter of figuring out how to put this energy to good use and improve your social life. The one concern I have based on what you've said so far is that your perception of others might make it difficult for you to socialize and establish trust. Given your past experiences, it may take a while for you to be comfortable around new people, and others might take this to mean you're not interested in them.

Have your co-workers spoken or acted in a way that leads you to feel threatened?

I am comfortable around people. I work with people. I talk to people all the time. I just don't have many friends or close relationships, and I don't particularly enjoy socializing outside of workplace or public contexts.

This thread is about not being social or having a social life and fearing the repercussions of other people's judgment. Nothing else. Being able to socialize and fearing that people might lash out at you if you fall into a stigmatized group of people are not mutually exclusive. People can and do lash out at stigmatized groups regardless of what those groups feel about them.

I already talked to people elsewhere who understood me and got good feedback, so I'm going to duck out of this thread. Explaining this in agonizing detail is not helping me.