Page 1 of 1 [ 6 posts ] 

YourMajesty
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 1 Apr 2012
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 807
Location: The forest

28 Sep 2014, 8:30 am

Certain things a friend said rubbed me in the wrong way, as did similar things in the past. It got me wondering if my personality is 'good' for friends, not that I'd end this friendship, but I didn't like it at all yet it's common behaviour of his?

The first thing's that there was a forum meeting of a forum we both visit at times. I signed up as ''interested'', meaning that I'd consider it but wasn't sure if I'd go at all and I did it on an impulse. This friend got air of that and started to make this remark/joke that was actually a reproof about that I didn't invite him... which was during the same evening and not more than an hour or so after I signed up as potentially attending the event. I need to add that I hadn't slept well and wasn't really having a particularly good day but yeah, it pissed me off. Why?

a) I signed up as potentially attending. The plans hadn't materialised in my head in the slightest, it just meant (to me) that I saw that there was an activity and *would consider coming*. That's all. At such a stage I don't even think of inviting anyone yet (unless I really want to) and I felt that it was uncalled for to attribute this feeling to me of (big) disinterest/almost something of hostility. Just because I didn't think of inviting him IMMEDIATELY... etc.
b) I'm really allergic to being supposed to invite or ask anyone. It feels like clinging, claiming behaviour. Despite the friendship I don't believe I'm somehow morally obligated to immediately ask him to come along, neither do I expect such a thing from others. It feels claiming and suffocating to me. He's also extended this to concerts. He's not into (my) metal at all but he's indirectly inviting himself to concerts I'd potentially visit... but I personally really dislike the idea of having to invite anyone and having someone there who stands there not enjoying myself while I'm having a great time with the death metal (I name death metal because he'd invite himself to such a thing if it were in his proximity even though he doesn't even listen to 1 dm band afaik...) If I wouldn't want him to come along I'd have to explicitly say so which'd then result in micro-drama, talks, etc etc...

And I really don't see the logic or moral in it anyway. What if I or someone in general just want to go alone? Or meet new people? Or ask someone else? Or.... whatever? It feels controlling when someone takes stuff so personally. Inviting yourself or asking/demanding to be invited calls upon my angelic abilities to perspective :P That day it failed however and I got pissed... I called the next day to apologise for my bad response/bad way of handling it.
c) I don't like these accusations/reproofs/whatevers dressed as 'jokes' or statements and remarks that ''supposedly'' say something else but IN FACT mean.... <accusation/reproof/whatever>

Another thing that makes me question myself is that I dislike it when he asks where I've been and what I did that day if I come online at a late hour. If I say something that avoids answering the question he gets subtly more demanding (no I'm not paranoid) instead of understanding that I don't want to discuss that with him at that time. There's a difference between informing how my day was and showing interest in that sense and *really* wanting to know what I did and it felt like the latter which makes me not want to answer. I get this subconscious secrecy-tendency. If that means anything :P

Another thing was that he's implying I should come online when I get home after a concert or whatever because he wants to talk. I don't really quite know why that is though.

It makes me think of the time where I had this emotional allergy to being demanded (by someone else) to come online on skype/whatever as soon as I got home or respond to (all) text messages.

I want it to be my way! :P well, meaning that it's spontaneous and good, and that not-inviting someone etc don't get taken so personally and that there's no ''demanding'' from either side to do anything. Note that I'm not referring here to actual friendship stuff and that I really *do* support a friend in need or someone who needs to talk to me. I've even done that rather extensively. But 'demanding' or 'claiming' anything from me in such a way feels controlling, claiming, suffocating, etc...

Is this an unreasonable part of my emotional repertoire? (I think I'm reasonable mentally, but here I'm in doubt as this behaviour seems rather common and it ticks me off, one of the few things that get me angry/pissed/stressed. that's why I ask. I hate it when anyone tries to make me feel obligated to things but on the other hand, I called him the next day to apologise for handling my annoyance badly)

Edit: sorry for any bad/unreadable English.


_________________
Crazy cat lady, unfortunately without the cats.

(not a native speaker)


kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 87,510
Location: Queens, NYC

28 Sep 2014, 9:15 am

Hi there,

This question is frequently asked and the answer is always the same: Of course you're fit to have friends (unless you're a Nazi, a cannibal, a child molester).

I don't like "forced intimacy" myself.



Uprising
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 9 Jan 2012
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,908

28 Sep 2014, 10:13 am

From what I've witnessed, finding friends is like 100x easier than finding a lover.

Certainly if you are male and not really in shape.



YourMajesty
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 1 Apr 2012
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 807
Location: The forest

28 Sep 2014, 10:16 am

For me it's exactly the opposite... :?


_________________
Crazy cat lady, unfortunately without the cats.

(not a native speaker)


autismthinker21
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Jul 2011
Age: 32
Gender: Male
Posts: 540
Location: illinois

28 Sep 2014, 1:53 pm

YourMajesty wrote:
For me it's exactly the opposite... :?



that you find lovers 100x more than friends. i can change that problem. you wanna be friends with me?


_________________
In order to be free, you must take your chances of letting your tortured self to be forgiven.


kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 87,510
Location: Queens, NYC

28 Sep 2014, 3:01 pm

I could understand your irritation at having lovers who are just there for convenience's sake--if that's what you mean. I've had that happen to me a few times in my life--it was a rather dirty feeling IMHO.

I would just let the acquisition of friends happen naturally. I have found "forcing the issue" to be an exercise in futility.