Doing someone's work for them

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I'm stuck in a really bad situation, and I just don't know how to get out of it. I've got this very close relative who knows I'm good with computers, and this relative is expecting me to basically complete their college assignment for them. Its a programming project, in a language I hate hate hate. I can't say no to this relative to their face, or even in a subtler way. I asked my parents for help and they told me that I should help the person out. I'm all for helping someone out, but you can't expect me to complete your entire project for you dude. I've got work of my own, and anyway, every classmate of yours will be doing it on their own. What do you do all day in college if you can't get a simple project done without my help? Now I know for one that this relative knows nothing at all about programming, and if I do not help them out, they're gonna fail. But they're supposed to know programming. They go to an engineering college for the FSMs sake. I just can not say no to them, and I do not know what to do. I want to get myself out of this situation, but I don't know how.

What are the details of this project? If they're supposed to be making a game, for example, you can go over concepts like classes and methods with them instead.

I'm helping a classmate cover VLSM subnetting, but while we're expected to learn it so that we can apply it when needed we're not actually being given any of it as coursework.

DO. NOT. DO. IT. FOR. THEM.

PERIOD.

1) It's illegal. It's academic dishonesty. If they get caught, they fail for sure, and will probably either land on academic probation or get kicked out. If you go to the same school, or plan to, or even if you don't, you could get in trouble too.

That's really reason enough, right there. ALL YOU NEED. Tell them that.

The answer's gonna be, "We're not going to get caught."

YES. YOU. WILL.

It's early in the term (unless this school runs on a totally different schedule from US schools, anyway). If he can't do this, there's going to be more he can't do. Which will end in one of two things: You take on more of his work, or he gets caught.

2) If he can't do this, what else can't he do?? Let's be real charitable and say you get him through college. Trust me (my hubby is an ME), he's not going to be able to bumble his way through holding a job. There's a reason there are so many Aspie engineers-- it is one of the few professions in which sparkling social skills will not substitute for the ability to DO THE FREAKIN' WORK.

3) You're not going to have the time to ghost-write dozens of projects; assuming he's fairly early in his education, they're going to get longer and more involved (Trust me-- Hubby was an 18-year-old first-semester freshman when we got married; I saw the whole process, from zero-level classes up).

4) YOU WOULD NOT BE DOING HIM A FAVOR. If he doesn't learn the groundwork now, he's going to be sunk later. With more time and money invested, or more debt.

THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO LEAVE HIM OUT THERE COLD.

It's not a, "Screw you dude, now go home" proposition. It's a, "Dude, I will HELP you do this" proposition. "I will hold your hand and walk you through every line of code if necessary, but you WILL invest every bit as much work as I do and you WILL learn this material."

If he's too lazy to do that, then he doesn't belong in engineering school. There's a reason engineering programs have a really high wash-out rate. If he thinks engineering SCHOOL is too much work and too much trouble, he really doesn't need to be in an engineering FIRM. TRUST ME.

Been there, done that (doing people's work for them, not engineering school-- I got a freakin' useless liberal arts degree). I did my cousin's English Lit projects all through high school, because I liked his company (he did at least sit there with me and feed me ideas), and I loved him, and I wanted to be accepted and be contributing and all that good crap.

And he got to college and almost flunked out because he couldn't write, and I wasn't home every weeknight to bail him out any more. He did manage to drag himself up and graduate (or for all I know hire someone else, or beg his wife into doing it), but it was a lot harder on him than it would have been if I'd made him LEARN TO WRITE IN THE FIRST PLACE.

He's using you bro, just tell him its unethical and illegal so you can't bring yourself to do it. At worst he will sulk a bit and try and play on your emotions but he'll get over it, people always do after a week or so. Turn it round and say its making you feel very uncomfortable and edgy and get him to feel sympathetic to you. Any decent person or friend would not ask you to do such a thing. its your shout.

It sounds a lot like he has a case of lazyitis. He also sounds like he is quite manipulative. If you do say something to him it needs to be gentle and firm at the same time.

"Listen I know that you are having a hard time in this area and I am happy to help. Unfortunately I really feel that since you are in college that it is your responsibility to do the work. I am sure they have all kinds of tutors and support systems at your school. I can't keep doing the work for you. How are you going to move forward if I do the work for you?"

If that's their attitude, there isn't a socially "nice" way to handle it without caving. That's what they want, and they are not going to accept anything less.

"I offered to help him. He doesn't want help. I am not doing it for him." It is probably going to make them angry-- OH WELL. Having good social skills doesn't mean that you never make an unpopular decision, or have to stand up for yourself in a way that people don't like. It doesn't mean that, somehow, you have the finesse to get everyone who matters to like all your decisions.

You say no, they get mad, sooner or later they get over it.