Need resources for aspies with social anxiety

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So I am one of those aspies who took it upon himself to change everything about myself in order to make friends. Over a period of four years, I've painstakingly learned enough social skills to consider myself socially literate, perhaps even on par with a neurotypical. Please note, however, that I am still practically the same person I was four years back, all of that weirdness, intelligence, and social awkwardness is still with me, I've just learned basically how to interact somewhat properly.

But enough with the introduction banter and on to my main point:

My various negative experiences with people and asperger's as well as my unfortunately insanely self-critical mind have worked together to create a form of social anxiety within me. When I try to make friends, specifically talking with or engaging a group that I have not done so to a point where they are familiar enough with me, I start having very negative thoughts about my actions, the possible things I will say, and what people might think of me. Simultaneously I want to engage, think the people already think I'm weird or very strange for not talking or from some random weird thing I might have done or said, think of something to say--judge it as dumb--then proceed to say nothing at all, and then despair because I realize everyone is loose, having a good time, and socializing without me.

Now I know I can talk to people, especially when I'm comfortable with others or near people I know. So my ability to interact is not in question, it's simply an unreasonable fear that is holding me back, hence why I say it is social anxiety. Fear of annoying others, fear of being judged, all of these stemming from my experiences in the past (I have gone from unaware to hyper-aware).

Sorry for the long introduction. . .Anyways, does anyone know of any resources specifically targeted to aspies/autistics with moderate to extreme/paralyzing social anxiety? I can barely seem to find anything specifically helpful, though I will say some of the social anxiety stuff is somewhat helpful. Besides resources, any advice would also be nice as well.

Btw, I may have said that I am socially literate, but that nowhere near means that I am in any position to stop learning. I still have so much to learn and do, it's just difficult because now the social skills that I need are much less obvious and harder to specify. . .

Anyways, hehe. . .thanks for any help that you guys give.

The internet offers a lot of resources on aspergers and social anxiety. I like reading books on both topics, watching lectures on youtube or personal stories.

What helped me was to identify why I'm scared of people. Fear of being judged for example, fear of being criticized these are quite blatant but what's the fear underneath that what elevates it to the social anxiety level. Why the extreme intensity behind the fear of being judged or whatever else you might fear? For me it's fear for my life that's why it's so intense. An undesired result from childhood trauma. Once the underlying fear is identified then began working on it. I began by taking a poll of everyone I ever interact with and checking it against violent behavior to see what the logical risk probability in my environment is.

Perhaps you fear being alone, abandoned, for making a mistake. What do you think your underlying fear is that connects all the different ones together that you've already identified?

I think you're doing a fantastic job as it is. You can read all the literature in the world, but when it comes down to it, you still have to face your fears when you meet other people. We learn by making mistakes and it makes us better for the experience. By putting yourself out there you are bracing yourself for a fall each time you do or say the wrong thing. You should embrace your weirdness and your uniqueness as a human being, because while some people may be turned off by you, others will be attracted to your personality, which has no airs or graces.

I'm not entirely sure that I'm consciously aware yet why I get so afraid. But I have currently two underlying fears, it is what connects them or what is even deeper that eludes me. So far I do not like being alone. This hearkens back to a classic childhood with no friends. But I also want to see myself as less of a person than what I am; well, I am not sure if this would be the best way to word it. The fear manifests itself in number of ways, either when I have the idea that I cannot do something, such as socially interact, math, or even beating someone in video games, or when I see myself as disabled, such as with the disabled label, or even going to the extremes of seeing myself as mentally deficient, etc. However, I must contend the latter is more of an archaic fear, one that I've been practically able to reason out of the more extreme ends of it, but even now I can find myself consumed with sometimes unwarranted self-doubt. Perhaps even this fear leads back into the first, an underlying fear of being alone.

However, I have found something interesting to add to that. Even being with people is not enough to satisfy, and I can find myself avoiding certain types of social interactions where others are either too aware of my insecurities or see me as a pity friend. During my second week of college (this year) some people on my dorm floor invited me to come to the beach with them. The entire time they were interacting, while I sat on the sidelines, feeling as if I could say nothing. This was at a time when I was consumed with an idea that I could not successfully interact with people no matter how hard I tried, so the difficulty is recognized, but the point is that even though I was with people, I quickly wanted to leave. They included me, gave the opportunity to interact, yet I still wanted to leave. I sort of have an idea why, but it is one of the many thoughts that require careful wording in order to convey correctly in order to prevent misunderstanding.

But alas that is one point. Even today, I was riding on a bus to get the university for a band practice (which I found out is actually tomorrow XD) and found a girl who was playing old school pokemon. I opened a conversation perfectly with "Now that is respect right there". We had a conversation the entire time about le pokemon until she got off. But even then, it was not satisfying. The way I acted was not satisfying. The conversation itself was not satisfying. I love to talk about pokemon, anime, and all of that stuff, since I consider myself a die hard fan off all of the things in those genres, but even I like to talk about things outside of those topics. I don't want to feel that those topics are all I can talk about. Even earlier, again in my first week, I had a conversation with a guy from Sweden, which mostly consisted of political talk. It was mentally stimulating no question, but even that conversation wasn't satisfying. I have again seen him having casual conversation with other college students, and boy my jealousy meter goes up.

Sorry that I had to write so much just for one point, but the thing is even being with people is not enough. When I'm with people, doubts always surface, and they very noticeably affect my behavior. Whether I think I'm boring, that the person wants to hang out with someone else, that I'm being annoying, that the person feels obligated to speak to me, that I'm causing nothing but pity in people when all I'm trying to do is figure and sort out what is I'm feeling, why, and how it's affecting me, these all get in the way.

I guess in short is that my fear is being alone, but even being with people, I am alone. Of course what's even more frustrating is when I know I can, but both feel and believe that I can't. Does this help? Or does it only make my predicament seem all the more confusing. Believe me, I'm extremely confused.

It makes your situation more confusing but as you noted you learned even being with people is not satisfying enough. An interesting question to ask is what makes you feel good when interacting with people? What makes you satisfied?

Basically I want friends whom I can hang out with whenever and a space where I feel I belong rather than simply being either the outcast or the group's pity bucket. A genuine place where I am a general, working but defined member of the group. I don't mind being thought of as a little weird or even off the wall, as long as it doesn't alienate me and keeps me on the same level as others.

Oh, to answer your other question, when someone responds to me with general enthusiasm and interest, when the conversation is either a normal exchange or a rather stimulating one, this satisfies me. When I know that I had a conversation not as an outcast, but simply another person sharing his thoughts and experiences with another person, and doing so in a fluid way unhindered by my social inhibitions.

I would like to add, I apologize if I sound rather frantic and confusing in the previous replies. This situation has been really stressful for me, especially when I consider that it may never heal or that my choices to stay quiet and retreat will have far reaching consequences that will negatively affect the likelihood of me being able to form meaningful or even natural connections with other people. When I came here to college I was expecting to being able to form connections and create another social life, despite being shy or introverted. There are many individuals here who fit that description whom have already become connected. I was expecting that, not a simple repeat of sophomore year, not another battle with insecurities and even the consequences that arise from either talking about them with people or when I show signs of emotional distress because of them.

I am just. . .dumbfounded. I am perfectly capable of achieving a social life on par with those already formed. I should be connected, already doing stuff with a friend group, already having people I can be comfortable around. If I could simply have acted in others ways, the situation would be so much different and I wouldn't have worked my way into this rut. Now that I'm in it, I don't what to do.

This diverges from the original problem of social anxiety. You have a clearly defined goal with what satisfies you. The problem is trying to achieve it. You?ve identified two fears and ?trying? to deal with them will lead to what lies underneath thereby achieving progression and eventually success.

I approach problems very systematically. I try something, note what stops me from achieving the objective, fix it, then go back again and note the next thing that?s wrong. Anxiety inducing fear for example depending on the situation is possible to deal with and I have moved past this problem. But it is where I understand you?re struggling. Another important step is learning how to manage and manipulate your emotional state. Emotions are a way of interpreting the world they help us categorize and organize our responses. They are a programmed response and as such are entirely alterable using thought, action and tool. A grounding cuddletoy for example. For some, not all, such a thing promotes the objective of emotional safety in this instance primarily due to early developmental period however any object could be synchronized with an emotional state at any time under the proper emotional investment. I?d encourage you to explore the concept of emotional manipulation and management along with exploring your fears as the two are helpful for each other.

Of course people can approach the problem in any way and ideally they find the one that?s most effective for their brain structure. I just find the systematic approach helpful for me.

It doesn't target Aspies specifically, but lonerwolf.com has still been helpful for me. It deals with topics like anxiety, modern life, solitude, and self-respect.