Advice for a tough conversation please

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Hi there, I'm new here so forgive me if I say the wrong thing or post in the wrong place and/or talk too much!

I have a tricky situation to deal with and would really like some sound advice

I'm NT and my fiance is ( we now know) high functioning mild aspergers but was simply diagnosed 'autistic' thirty years ago age ten.

We met in 2009 and I guessed he was aspergers very quickly. He was mortified at first and stated it was a disease he had as a kid but doesn't have it anymore.

He fitted in well with my friends and I rarely had to explain anything if he did or said anything not classed as the norm. All was well until a couple of years ago. He is in the military and had a very bad deployment/tour and came back a complete wreck. We nearly parted company a couple of times but for me with the help of relate telephone sessions, forces help lines and copious amounts of wine, we got through it. It made sense when the lady I spoke to said that it was more than likely he was suffering from PTSD ( post traumatic stress syndrome ) due to what he had delt with whilst away. She said that would magnify his austic traits hugely and his normal coping stragies would have vanished. He had some huge melt downs on me both at home and in public.

Unfortunately some our friends during this black time witnessed some horrific behaviour from him towards me at weddings, parties etc and was rude to a friends mother. He was and still oblivious to how bad it was from an NT point of view.

He went away again for six months and came back spring of this year nearly back to his old self. Unfortunately it would seem some of the damage his public melt downs have had lasting damage.

An invite recently arrived for a very big occasion in the New Year and it only has my name on it. I get why as his behaviour at their last event was dreadful.

I've since asked to speak to these friends to try and explain why he behaved like he did and that he's ok again now. I don't expect them to love or like him as I do or even extend the invite to him but just to understand a little as to why it happened.

Our relationship is really good again and it makes me feel sick to my stomach having to tell him he's not invited. Ok I could not go but he will see other friends are going and he will wonder why I/we havent.

Any advice on how to explain to our friends why he behaved like he did, I'd be really grateful for. I don't want to sound like I'm making excuses for him or making him out to be a chairty case etc. He's not a social pariah and he won't understand and I will take the hit for it. Any advice on how to tell my fiance too would be welcome

Thanks in advance.

Apologies for spelling and grammar mistakes there. I was typing quickly and on the sly at work!

Don't tell him, and don't go. Simple as that. Work on letting him know about his behavior, obviously, but why bring on hurt and pain when you don't have to?

Just a little different perspective here, but are you sure he would want to go? Huge formal events with lots of overstimulation and social expectations are the WORST--not enjoyable at all for many of us, and extremely likely to bring on a meltdown. If your boyfriend's behavior has been so much "better" recently, perhaps it's because you're not making him attend events like these.

Morning folks (I'm in the uk) thank you for your replies.

It's not that simple, I wish it was. You're right, he may not want to go but he will be deeply offended he's not invited. It's not that simple for me not to go either. If I didn't, he would see it all over Facebook after the event if not the build up to it with mutual friends, of which we have lots and there is no way they wouldn't put it on there. Asides me trying to get them to block him on there, he will see it.

His AS is normally so mild, you would have hard time spotting it. He is still a little fragile on occasion which drives me nuts as it's often over something so silly ( to me) but he's 100% better than when they last saw him over a year ago.

It really is two things I need to do and why I'm posting ...

How to I talk to them ( the know he's an aspie but not really why he was so awful last year )

And how to I explain to my fiancé as to why he's not invited.

There's no getting away from either!

Speaking as a fullblown, card-carrying Aspie, here's my POV from inside the AS fort, so to say: Be entirely honest with him (with, advisably, help from some more wine). The way Aspies perspectives are ordered, your fiancé likely doesn’t have problems with the truth about himself - just with his incomprehension of the raisons démontrées of neurotypical transactions. To me, it's significant that - despite his nerve-wracking PTSD - he has faced down, and survived, more interhuman perversities in his tours than he is ever likely to face in civilian social situations.

You fear that he might - will - take mortal offence when (if?) you break it to him that he hasn't been invited. We'll, you could keep it to yourself - but, sooner rather than later, your secrecy in the matter will come back and smite you - both of you. It's more than probable that you've already exchanged bitter words on the matter of his earlier nonnormative rudeness. Even if he feels that there's much ado about nothing regarding his (mis)behaviour - he probably sees it as his justified abreaction to people overstepping the boundaries of his comfort zone - he knows, by now, that he and you (and your friends) exist in different, even mutually oppositional, existential paradigms. If (or when) you do tell him about the redaction of his name from the invitation, he will be pained (more by incomprehension than by humiliation) - but, trust me, it won't make his head explode.

You would be justified in wondering the cause - if any exists - of my authoritativeness. Confession time: As a journalist, my first specialisation was as a conflict correspondent (or, in less confusing words, a war journo). PTSD also took its toll - and continues to take its toll - of my addled cortex. It hardly helps that, like your fiancé, I have severe depression that is riding on a perpetual machine. And it absolutely does not help that - again, like your fiancé - I cannot do tact, circumvention, circumspection, and diplomacy.

The truth, about any - and all 'events' - is the bedrock on which we Aspies find our best footing.

So, tell him exactly why he hasn't been unvited. There might be some pain - but, hey, pain's a constant dull ache, anyway.

Think hard about what you expect from your friends when you explain his behavior. There's no reason that finding out he's a mentally ill veteran with a diagnosis associated with violent outbursts will make them any more inclined to invite him to future occasions. They may feel sorry for him, but they still won't want him around to ruin their events.

Explaining to your partner should not be too difficult, since there is a specific reason you can point to that he is not in their good graces. "So and so didn't invite you to their party. It's probably because of that thing you did at their last party. I know you didn't think that was a big deal, but to them it really was." And then offer to stay home from the event in solidarity with him, if that's important to you--but be aware, if you go down this path, it will be the beginning of a social isolation that will be very hard for you as the neurotypical partner.

Of course, there's a much bigger question at play: why would you want to be friends with someone who fundamentally doesn't understand and doesn't care for your significant other? It doesn't sound like they're too sympathetic, and if they're willing to leave him out of social events, it's obvious that they don't like the guy. It's never gonna get better. Rethink what this friendship really means to you, because I can guarantee you this: if you tolerate their exclusionary attitude now, then it will only be a matter of time before they start pressuring you further in your relationship--even, perhaps, going so far as to try and break the two of you up.

Hello, I can see why you would think that but these people are family to me which is why I've asked to meet with them ( hopefully this weekend ) to see what's what. They would never do anything to knowingly hurt me or him for that matter and possibly could think they are doing me a favour as they know my chap didn't deal well with social events last year. They don't know about his PTSD either as I've hardly seen them at all this year due to all of us being so busy with work. Of course it's their choice as to if they want to invite him or not but I feel I should furnish them with the correct information as through other friends I was mortified to learn that not only were they worried about but they simply thought my guy was being an A.hole and that AS was no excuse for being so nasty.

Thank you, the first bit yes totally agree but that's the chance I'm going to have to take. Back in the summer they did talk about re intergrating my finace into the group again but we never got the chance due to work on both sides ( we all work ... alot ). The next event we are all attending is works Christmas dinner so hopefully that will go well.

The second bit about explaining to him why... not so simple! I could kick myself for that day at the wedding, he wasn't right from the word go and soon as the words came out of my mouth I just knew he was going to be hard work for the rest of that day and by joe he was and everyone saw it. I gave up trying to pacify him and bring him round and basically drank myself oblivious to his behaviour as my nerves were shot, he'd been bad before but never ever this bad. He now sees that day being a disaster as being my fault, for what I said in the morning that set him off to me being stupidly drunk and him putting me to bed.

Thirdly, I will never give up a social life. I am extremely social and this works well for both of us. He's never stopped me from going out and will say if he wants to join in or not.

We have a good life and love each other very much. There is just this elephant in the room at the moment that I need to clear up ASAP as it's eating me up and keeping me awake at night.

As the doc told his mum, he's got all his marbles, they just get re arranged sometimes.

Unfortunately last year they were in a mess for a very long time!

THANK YOU! Thank you!

I've tried to get him to get help at work but he won't as he doesn't want his AS in the spotlight. He is so down on himself at the best of times. He thinks he's fat ugly, short and bald ( the last two are true ha ha! ) and that he's stupid and usless. He's so clever and so valued at work but can't see it.

What you've posted makes so much sense ( I'm so glad I joined here yesterday! ) even if nothing comes from speaking to our friends about this party I'm learning lots. I've also ordered a book call 22 things a woman in love with an aspie should know

Generally we are good together. If we argue and it's a battle I'm never going to win, I tell him now I'm walking away. Sometimes, normally about 3 hours of him sitting in the garage with our motorbikes, he surfaces with an apology stating ' I had an A moment didn't I ' yes darling you did and it's all good again, he once didn't speak to me for suggesting he was crossing a main road in a dangerous place for about four hours. Other times, like at this wedding, it's just not happening and now has raised its ugly head again.

When he's really down and we have words, that's it, we should break up, we don't get on, we should sell the house because he's an autistic freak ( his words not mine) and I've 'taken him on as a charity case' we can't just have a row and make up.

I know the PTSD will surface again and I dread that day but for now thankfully as he's in a desk job for a year, it's gone quiet.

What he said, all of it. Your SO (sorry, don't remember if it was husband or fiancee or boyfriend) already knows about his behavior and the likelihood of consequences, and is likely already beating himself up over the potential for being ostracized. This is where our AS lack of empathy actually helps us as we can deal with situations such as this one by viewing it as simple cause-and-effect, for the most part. With that in mind, tell him. You can decide for yourself whether you are going to choose to go without him or show solidarity with him and stay out, that depends on so many other factors it seems way out of scope for this discussion. But do not hide it from him, as mentioned above it will be discovered eventually and he will probably see it as you "covering for him" instead of trusting him to accept the consequences and handle it like an adult.

I know you read another thread of mine regarding my social interactions, and while I didn't get into the specifics that you did here, I am in a very similar situation as your SO. I have deeply upset an important family relationship (we have a large and very tight extended family) due to my doing something that seemed entirely normal and appropriate to me, however now that it has come to light I see that even though I don't view my behavior as wrong, others who operate differently do. Most likely, my family and I are not going to be invited to Christmas dinner at their house as a result, for the first time in 20 years. Although that deeply upsets me inside, I can view it calmly and factually, just as a matter of cause and effect.

Just a word to the wise (that you may not need), when you talk to him please be certain not to be overly angry or upset with him for "ruining" this or that or taking your relationships away. My wife has done that to me a couple of times, and it haunts me with such extreme guilt - we know we're different, we know we don't fit in, we have felt rejection because of AS for one reason or another for most of our lives. The last thing we need to see is our problems causing damage to the people we love, too. He needs to know how you feel, but we tend to beat ourselves up pretty harshly when we do something wrong and the further punishment is often just too much - like kicking a puppy you've already scolded for making a mess on the carpet.

Any consideration for counseling from a Therapist experienced with Aspergers?

Psychology Today has a guide for finding Therapists in your regions.
http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/

Good Luck.

Hello!


Thank you all so much for your comments and advice. Apologies for not replying sooner. I don't know if it's my Ipad and work PC but neither would let me post a reply which was thoroughly annoying!

I will reply and look around more when it's not so busy at work.

The situation is still not resolved sadly.

I would expect your friends to be OK with it if you explain it was PTSD. People generally have a lot of respect and sympathy for military personnel injured in war, hopefully that extends to psychological injuries as well. They'll probably be horrified and really apologetic for excluding someone for having PTSD. Focus on that rather than Aspergers.