Socialising Is SO Hard

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After several decades of mostly keeping to myself, or mixing only with a boyfriend and immediate family, these last two months, I decided change was in order and joined a meetup group in my city, for people in their 30s, 40s and 50s. They have a lot of events, including walks, pub quizzes, meals out, parties, casino nights, mini cruises, cinema nights, coffee mornings etc, and I have been going to quite a few. On my own.

It is only now, doing this, that I become more aware of my difficulties. I find myself not knowing what to say when I want to talk and getting frustrated, or simply not wanting to talk at all yet feeling I should or else I will become invisible. And the meltdowns... several times I have had to make a dash for the toilets as I have found myself bursting into tears and feeling like running back home again.

Luckily, one of the co-organisers is an Asperger's lady, a bit older than myself, with two diagnosed sons, so she is supportive and helpful, but I find myself bubbling up emotionally like a child. I am 39 years old, yet some of my emotional responses are those of a child. I was only recently diagnosed, but I had suspected for some years, and some girls who knew me at school when I was a kid, and who now work in healthcare and have kids on the spectrum knew before I even suspected that I have asperger's.

Has anyone else here managed to successfully integrate into a social group or cope with these sorts of social events?
I am told I am doing well, and am brave to put myself out there, given my difficulties, but I end up feeling so ashamed and stupid when I get upset over such things as being seated away from those familiar to me within the group.

you made good steps already, that's a first.

try to not talk to others one-on-one just yet, i prefer conversations with 2 or 3 others, so they can carry the conversation when i have nothing to say.
also, the events where some kind of game is played might be easier, you'll have the game to fall back on.

you might want to try to disclose some of your difficulties to the group (one or two people at a time), making it easier for you to show your real self; trying to fit in is hard indeed, but it gets easier if the group meets you halfway.

thirdly, try taking 'toilet breaks' more often; dont wait and run off when you are about to burst, but just regularly go off for a bit to prevent bursting. kind of like a smoke break.

It looks like you're putting that 160 IQ to good use!

In what sense ? Or is that sarcasm to say I am not putting it to much use ? Lol.

No sarcasm. I'm just saying there's much potential there...and that your intelligence could be put to good use.

My highest IQ l ever had obtained is 131. I'm usually in the "high normal" range.

It has helped me, when younger, observe and analyse how people behave, the games they play. But does not help me play the game myself(not that I am sure I would wish to)

I'm not advocating "playing the game."

I'm advocating standing together as a group, being there for each other in time of need. Stuff like that. Just because we are autistic doesn't mean we don't have human needs. We get lonely. We need people to comisserate with us, to identify with us, to confirm that we are viable folk.

Your meetings provide the basis for the attainment of that goal.

This is very true, though I have noted that some on the spectrum seem to manage quite well with little to no social contact, and are able to meet their needs through their special interests etc. I have never really been one of those people. I have always felt a lack somehow during the long periods I have been reclusive and seem to feel loneliness acutely. But I have had very negative experiences in social groups in my past, which is a large reason I withdrew from trying further.

I know what you mean. I have a long history of isolating myself. I socialize in groups but rarely.

However,your venture provides a way for people to hang out with other with the knowledge that other people have similar "social deficits." That very fact is a great "ice breaker."

You are much more enduring than I am. I tried joining groups and clubs but people always get on my nerves and I cannot stand all the social stuff, not only does it not make sense to me but I find it very upsetting. Like having to make small talk when I am not in the mood and pretend I am interested in what other people are saying when I am not. So I have given up for the time being at least.

But you should maybe be easier on yourself. This type of thing you are doing is hard on anyone, including the most sociable NTs, so you have to have very low expectations to begin with and then it will be easier. I think most people consider being seated next to whom they like to be one of the primary goals - there is like a covert game going on at all times and seating can be part of the constantly shifting social status competition. Personally, I don't care about social status but do find it irritating when I have to sit next to someone I don't want to talk to. So, then you have to find excuse to go get a drink or to the toilet, or check your phone or something and wait for an opportunity to sit next to someone you like. Or just sit and be quiet and wait for the scenery to change around you. Personally, I find the whole thing way too much hassle, but obviously lots of people still think it's worth while and enjoyable because they keep doing it.

Just don't be hard on yourself, really, don't feel bad emotions about yourself. That's the most important thing.