Unsolicited Advice

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A couple of things happened this week that made me realize that it is characteristic of me to give unsolicited advice.

When I say "characteristic", I mean that I have been doing this all my life, but just now realized it is a trait of mine. Now I understand why, when I was bored in 5th grade and finished my work early, I walked around the classroom telling the other kids how to do their work. (Those kids enjoyed the help with their math, but the teacher didn't. )

It makes me wonder if I only noticed a few times I have done this, how many other times have I done this and not realized what I was doing...

I can understand why this could be one of the causes of my difficulties with friendships.

However, I have also found that my unsolicited advice brings many good results, and I have gotten thank-yous for it from time to time. Other times, even without a thank-you, I have seen demonstration that someone took my advice to heart or put it into practice.

I am not sure why I do it. Is it that I notice some small detail that another missed? Or do I see where the trajectory of something is heading and it doesn't look good to me, so I want to try and stop it before it happens?

I don't know what makes some people OK with it, while other people are offended.

The people who came back to thank me did admit that, at first, they were a bit put-off and offended by what I said, but then thought that if I was so willing to break social norms and say the outrageous thing that I did, maybe what I said really was that important. And it turned out, it was.

The thing is I didn't purposefully break social norms. But maybe being oblivious to social norms (by accident and by choice) allows me to be more daring in saying things people may not want to hear but need to?

I'm probably not going to stop giving unsolicited advice, though maybe I will try to become more judicious about it.

I was wondering if anyone else here also had this tendency.

I've been known to give unsolicited advice which was not welcome at first--but was welcome later.

Sometimes, the unsolicited advice is never welcome.

These days, I try to assess the situation before I offer my advice. I succeed sometimes in "doing the right thing."

You seem to mean well and that's the important part.
It's been my experience that when there's a problem, an outsider can offer a different perspective which more often than not serves as a tremendous help. We are frequently those outsiders.

Yes I do this. Yes others hate me for it. Most people's intention in talking about a problem isn't to solve it. It's just to vocalise it because it makes them feel better. I've personally never understood this as when I have a problem I want to solve it. Likewise when people offer me the empathy in exchange for details of my problems I just get frustrated. My internal dialogue goes like this....

I don't want your sympathy or pity, I was kind of hoping you had something more material to say. Like a solution or maybe even just a pointer in the right direction.

But then I've both never understood the garnering sympathy thing nor the need to give it either. Now that I logically recognise it, it just makes me lose respect for the people who engage in it. I do not give out advice anymore, solicited or otherwise. If people ask me, I more than likely just give them the sympathy they want and walk away with a nice little platitude...

That's terrible but I'm sure you'l find a solution eventually. *hugs*

And yes I feel violated for doing that.

People fear "being on the spot" for a solution when they don't know a solution--or even if a solution is elusive at least for the moment. They feel inert in these situations, which affects their self-image.

Ironically, I am often criticized for offering "solutions" when none are called for.

Yes. It's all a very strange psychology isn't it. I have this pet theory that most people go about their lives avoiding challenge, and the solutions of others are seen as some kind of challenge rather than offer of assistance. People are far too wound up in satisfying the ego and saving face for my liking.

I think that's a valid observation.

Especially when you specified "most" people.