unreliable or fragile social skills

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So, today I went to a workout thing an acquaintance invited me to. I was already kind of down this morning (the past and especially current failures were coming back to haunt me as they frequently do). When I got there, there were a lot of people there and it was loud because of the people and the music playing. The acquaintance greeted me and I was awkward. She had gotten me a mat already and I failed to thank her properly. I was taken off-guard and again the environment was very active. I didn't make the right faces, probably looked like I didn't want to be there even thought I did want to be there, and just had that delayed processing and response thing. Also, I am very uncoordinated and lately I have been able to not be self-conscious of that, but owing to my mood, I was very, very aware of my clumsiness and uncoordination. Being in a room full of more-in-shape-than-you women with good coordination while you are pretty flabby and are having difficulty following the leader's instructions because of delays in understanding what she is saying (auditory processing, keeping right and left straight) and difficulty copying the motions and all that and the leader seems to be looking at you like you are a lazy bum or just not very intelligent. Don't know if she was really thinking that or not, but maybe you can relate. There were several times I was tempted to walk out for a brief break from the noise and the awkwardness, but I didn't want to disrupt or have anyone come after me to make sure I was okay or to give me a pep talk. I felt like I was in PE again: sticking out like a sore thumb, minus any taunting or laughing. After it was over, my acquaintance and I talked briefly about kids and the next meeting we have for another event. I was a little better, but still a bit off in not putting on the "friendliness" thing. I don't know how to describe it.

After that I went to the kids room where I could use a stationary bike while my kid played safely in a fenced in area. Another person from the prior workout session was there. I started a conversation with her. I hope I didn't annoy her. We talked the whole time. I didn't look at her much as I have let myself off the hook there because doing that wears me out faster. We joked a little bit about the prior session. I had come to one of the very first of these sessions several months ago and this time it was different because last time I was with someone I knew better than this time and it was a very small, quiet group. This was this "stranger's" second time and she had felt kind of uncoordinated too. Anyway, then some other women had come in and as I was leaving, I asked them if they knew about the other workout session and told them about it and they want to go to it too.

It's like my "socialness" is kind of unpredictable. Overall, I have gotten better over the years, more social skills and less dependence on environmental influences. Before, I would not even have gone to a group workout session; it was triumph enough just to go to the gym and do my own thing with other people doing their own things.

I can be sooo good in one-on-one conversations, sooo good at initial meetings of new people or just people in the store nowadays, but start to fumble the ball later on with the same person. I didn't know what to do next, or of we were now friends, or if it was okay to talk to them again, or they waned or expected me to, and so on. It used to be so bad that I could be friendly with someone one time, and then hardly be able to speak to them the next. I realize now how fragile my social skills were back in middle, high, and college, so heavily influenced by my own emotions, the environment and the other person themselves. I didn't know what was causing it but looking back knowing what I know now, I can see these sensory and emotional influences. And I wonder, why didn't I see this before reading about it? I grew to think there was something psychologically wrong with me.

I read here that this can be an ASD thing, especially in girls, but now I wonder if it isn't more an ADHD thing for me. Because I am pretty good at cues and implied meanings in a good environment and with people I know. I get kind of scattered in larger, louder social situations, almost to the point of mutism. I used to get the mutism problem very easily; now that rarely happens. But I can go to a dark, flashy, very loud music bowling alley with my husband with hardly any problems now, except for now I no longer really care what anyone thinks so I stim a bit when I feel it and I stepped out of the bowling alley once or twice. Towards the end my husband said I was getting still in the face. I can't remember now what he calls it, but he thought I was getting overloaded. I wasn't aware I was. Never had a meltdown or crash from it. Got a minor high from it. Only time I got alarmed was when some people on the other end were being really loud and laughing. I think my worst noise sensitivity is crowds talking in an enclosed space. Not so bad outside. For some reason, they kind of scared me even though I knew there was no reason to be scared. There was a period of years when I would not have been able to handle a bowling alley. And over the years it's like I have swung from being more ADHD as a kid to more ASD-ish as a teenager and adult to now being more ADHD, mostly in regards to social abilities and environmental/sensory stuff.

What is this? Anyone else like this? I've come to the point where I'm thinking I should just tell people as I have chance that I get scattered in "busy", new places just to avoid possibly pushing away new people I will see regularly in different environments.

Yes, this describes me.

I break this problems in my response to these issues down this way:

-- overthinking and intellectualizing the situation: I am analyzing the situation as it's happening, looking for benchmarks of success and failure

-- poor social skills: I am not always sure what "success" and "failure" look like. I may misread a facial signal as "She's bored" when she means something else, for example.

-- high anxiety levels: I clench up during conversations, especially high-risk ones with strangers, where I know I could mess things up.

-- frustration: I really like people sometimes and it bothers me that things are so complicated. Sometimes I just want to express myself with someone else. So I also get frustrated, and this can lead to a meltdown (or a minimeltdown, where I get oddly whiny and needy).

Anyway, I'm still thinking through the steps that happen to cause problems. At the end of the day, I think the biggest factor is anxiety. The higher it is, the worse my social performance becomes. I forget basic phrases and misinterpret much more.

I can identify with you, Whiskers!

I tend to screw up when there's loudness and so many people.

The thing I do: I just withdraw into the background. I don't engage. I try to be friendly to someone if someone speaks to me--but I don't initiate.

After a while, I just slink out of there, into the fresh air (after offering the friends who took me to this place some excuse).

I try to avoid these sorts of situations as much as possible.

Like me, perhaps you're more the "lecture" type of person. I enjoy music--but why MUST there be MUSIC at every social gathering? Why must there be LOUD MUSIC at every social gathering?

Why can't people just sit on couches and talk? Without MUSIC?

I'm almost inclined to believe that music is something of an escape from the necessity of having to think of something worthwhile to say.

Thank you for your responses. I don't know what to say next so I'll just say that it is good to know now after all these years I am not the only one who has this problem.

Oh, I can say I don't like music, loud or quiet, at social gatherings, either. My husband is prone to insisting on it when we have people over. I think he said once that it relaxes people or the atmosphere in the room. I don't believe this is true. Luckily, there is rarely any music playing when I go to things.

Music can be relaxing--if it's the right type of music.

But I also believe it provides a diversion from people having to think too much.

Some NT's really enjoy not having to think too much. It doesn't mean they're not nice, though.