I Think Someone is Trying to Be My Friend.......

Post Reply New Topic

On a more positive note, I am able to realize I'm far more well liked than I first thought and most of the self-hatred is the result of internalizing and exaggerating childhood bullying. I recently joined a Running Club and I seem to be treated very well there and it has just dawned on me that one of the regulars (a guy about 40) is trying to befriend me. The trouble is, I am so dense I did not realize it initially and now that I do, I have no idea what to do.

For example, on Sunday morning he asked if I had any plans for the day. I told him I was going to get some much needed rest and am starting to pack for a move. It was only an hour later that I caught on he was trying to start a conversation to learn about my outside interests and possibly invite me somewhere. It seems unless someone is extremely blunt and does a "data dump" on me I have no idea how to proceed. Maybe the reason I have no close friends is that (like dating) I could not see blatant interest if it hit me in the face. Hate to say it but no wonder I have few friends: most people must (rightfully) think I LIKE being left alone because of how shy I am. Any suggestions to be more open and how to get a relationship off the ground?

Memorize some questions and force yourself to ask them. Then listen to the answers and see if you get any hints from that.

For example, the guy asked you what you were doing. Make sure to ask him his plans after you answer. Then see if there's anything there you can respond to. If you missed your chance last time, next time you see him ask what he has going on. Then say what you have going on, in case he forgets to ask you in return.

If someone is asking you questions, that is a hint they are interested in getting to know you.

Don't take questions personally. If one crosses your personal boundaries, just politely say, "I'm not comfortable answering that." But most questions new people ask should not be too personal.

You can go to websites and get ideas for "get to know you questions." Memorize these. Practice saying them out loud. Memorize your own answers to them so you don't get all stymied for words when the time comes that you get asked them. Practice saying your answers.

Using these questions and answers, you might find someone that you want to spend more time with (or vice verse) and get to know on a deeper level.

That's some good advice and thanks for sharing it. I suppose one issue I have it that people (mostly relatives) have used information I gave in confidence to undermine or humiliate me so I might subconsciously avoid sharing because of that. I honestly find it hard to trust that anyone truly wants to get to know me for reasons other than to find my weaknesses and exploit them.

Like I mentioned, one thing I have learned thanks to a social worker is that I have internalized all the childhood bullying I faced to the point I tend to have my guard up when someone approaches me to try to know me and assume the worst. He does seem like a guy I can get along with and while he is much older, he seems to be interested in getting to know me and even enthusiastically mentioned signing up for the same running class I just joined and always shakes my hand and congratulates me after every run our group does. I know my shyness is probably (unintentionally) irritating him though. I literally just don't know what to say!

My only concern is that when I practice I tend to sound like a robot and that I am not truly interested in getting to know someone or that I am mocking them. Obviously that's far from the truth but I do want to avoid that perception! I will definitely ask him how his week went when I see him on Sunday morning.

I think if he really wants to get to know you, he will look past any of your bumbling.

Meh, no big. You've given the typical autistic answer, lol, literal. Don't make plans on what to ask when you see him. You don't need to make up for any miscues. There wasn't one. Just keep the knowlege that he is making befriending overtures and you will naturally know what to say when you see him next.

Thanks. I think my main problem is that I over-think everything (having a group of casual friends suddenly go cold recently has heightened that sense!) and I just need to learn to relax and be myself. I have to stop being so hard on myself and just be friendly and open like I usually am.

I also have a date tonight and will be sure to just relax, have a good time and just be myself rather than worry if she is going to flake, worry what she thinks of my Aspie ways or misinterpret what I say.

A date is a good meal spoiled. Lol
Try to have no expectations and respond to the moment, not a plan.

My advice:

Just talk about your common interests, and don't think too hard.

Just do stuff together without forethought. It's not like you're lovers!

Good advice. However, playing Devil's advocate as I recently said to my therapist:

It's easy for you to say 'don't over-think' but when you are constantly screwing things up without having any idea why it's really hard not to get stuck in your head!

As an update he remembered and did ask about my upcoming move but was otherwise quiet. He did have his wife with him (on a side note, I'll never understand why do married couples seem to like me so much?) so I am not over thinking his lack of communication. On the plus side I invited my ex's ex-boyfriend over to my place and we had a great time. What's more, he actually invited me to his place again! Maybe I am figuring this friend thing out after all . Like I said, after getting a hundred or so rejections over the years, it's very hard not to become hyper-vigilant about coming across the 'wrong' way in social settings.

Because I only came to the realisation that I might have ASD or AS recently, I never really knew why I was the only one who seemed having trouble with this kind of stuff.
What I used to do though is throwing an explaination of my attitude, so that nobody misinterpret me (I hate, hate hate being misinterpreted!)
So I would say something along the line "Sorry, I'm not really good at friendship or getting hit, can you be more upfront with what you want ?" or something that explains that I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do. The difficult part is knowing when and where to say it. For me it's 100% pure guess. If I have the feeling someone wants to be my friend, I make sure the other person knows that no, I'm not trying to avoid them, I just suck at knowing what to do.

Now, some people hate this kind of things, and think (for some reason) that everything should be told by hinting (or something, I don't quite get it anyway). They would get offended. Ha big loss! In the end, the people who don't mind are the ones I stick with, because it's less stressful and they tend to be more accepting of my "quirckiness".

Worth noting, that I only have a few friends. Mostly because the few I have are sufficient to me, and because most people get creeped out by my weirdness at some point anyway (from what they said. Ugh.)

Anyway my point is: you might want to give that a try. It's a low-risk kinda thing to do when it comes to relationships.

I always thought being honest and open is the best way to go but every single person in the past few years I have told about having ASD traits (like being oblivious to social cues) has almost immediately distanced themselves from me. The obvious response is "good, they are obviously not friend material" but I'm only human and get awfully lonely.

I don't understand why this happens. I had a colleague recently admit having ADHD and my thought was "that makes a lot of sense" and it never changed my opinion of her.

You have a good way at looking at things.

Friendship shouldn't involve a lot of thought. It should involve lots of natural flow.