Well, it doesn't feel picky so much as it's harder to relate to people. I have a mild PDD-NOS, so I don't know how I appear to people, neurotypical or not, I dunno how I see myself really, and I worry a lot about overwhelming people with my awkwardness in social skills once I loosen my filter a little and feel more comfortable with people.
It's also a lot of people don't interest me, they just don't seem mentally and emotionally deep, like zombies or something. It's rare I do find interesting people, and I often have little to no contact with them because of how jobs, school, college, and sometimes internet issues if I meet them online, get in the way. I want to talk to them more often, but it's hard, and sometimes those valuable friends can just be lost in the blink of an eye, twice I've lost people who I considered some of my closest friends(both actually had aspergers, coincidentally), who were even able to calm my anxiety attacks. The first there was a big group fight and her idiot friends hiveminded her in en mass after some manipulative psychopaths/narcissists/sociopaths/something of the sorts in the bunch decided they didn't like me, the second without a word. The people I find never seem to fill the gaps left behind either, I always seemed to miss them, and it takes a while to really get to know them, and it always takes longer to connect with them. I don't know if I've become deeper, or pickier, or both.
It seems too I seem to find myself drawn to people with energetic and youthful spirits, not bogged down by the monotone culture the adult world programs via a cookie-cutter, capitalist propaganda machine that is the public school system, teaching children not to think but to obey and push themselves to rinse and repeat tests and facts so they can be workhorses for their corporate masters. However, it seems a lot of those same people I lost, specifically the portion of that friend group that cared about me in the hivemind, and the girl who disappeared for no reason. It's not something I always have in friends, but it makes me feel more alive, as I feel that sorta feeling that adulthood has been turned from actual maturation and learning to a monochrome culture gimmick to create mindless workhorses who find shame in the creative and imaginative joys of their youth. That I just feel is another thing that separates me, I can't seem to find and keep fellow friends who haven't had their spirits noticeably mutilated or repressed by the desire to conform to the cubicle, coffee cup, suit and tie brainwashing program to some degree, even if it's a mild one.
There is a girl in my college poetry class who seems really interesting, we've already had 4 classes together, and we've talked quite a bit, and I'm hoping I can maybe try and get in contact with her, but I wonder if it's too soon to ask, and what medium to use. I just had a meltdown yesterday on facebook, so that is /not/ the place to add her on if I were to ask.
Really, I just feel like making friends has just gotten harder and harder with life, and I have to do more and more to meet others as I keep getting older, like it's an uphill battle and I'm just trying to get to the top. (Also, REALLY SORRY for the big text wall ^^;)
_________________
“If you treat an individual as he is, he will remain how he is. But if you treat him as if he were what he ought to be and could be, he will become what he ought to be and could be.” - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
02 Feb 2015, 8:33 pm
