Abusive Friendships

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I’d had this “friend” for a long while. We called eachother “bestfriends” until recently. She stopped referring to me as her “bestfriend”. Now that I look back on this friendship I realize that it was no real friendship at all. It has it’s good moments but there were far too many instances where I should have deleted this person from my life forever. But I kept letting them come back into my life.

I met them in 8th grade and now I’m 23 and I’ve just decided to cut them off. They tried to make it seem like their idea. This person is really hateful. When I tell her about my problems she just makes it seem like “if she can do it anyone else can do it”, and when I told her I think that I have aspergers (when I told her this it was on a day she decided to visit me and tell me everything that I was doing “wrong” in my life and to basically tell me what all my faults are without being asked for advice) she said to me, “Kayla (me), I think you WANT something to be wrong with you.” I also have some serious back issues that cause me a lot of pain and once I said to her when I was walking or in the process of standing up, “I feel like Edward Scissorhands.” And just because I like the movie she says, “I think you WANT to walk like Edward Scissorhands.” Is this what “ableism” is? Simply, people who don’t respect another perspective who can’t do something physically? Or spares themselves doing something from physical pain?

She has always made me feel bad for feeling in any way any sort of opposition to her. I mean, positive or negative. If I felt good about something and she felt bad, I would be in the wrong. And vice versa. She bashes other people (who she’s never met) for liking things different from her, for showing too much skin (with the girls). She has this strong hate for people who express themselves sexually and I’ve been talking to her like I do too but I really don’t care. Honestly I’ve been talking to her a lot of ways that I’m not really just because I didn’t know what else to talk about. I didn’t want to make a confrontation with her because she’s one of those people who say things so strongly and with so much hate. And since she’s been “friends” with me for so long she knows everything that I’m insecure about and uses that to make me feel like I can’t make a decision for myself (like kicking her out of my life) and that she is the one to “save” me. Which after I “broke up” with her she decided to write online (pinterest) that she was trying to save someone who needed desperate help. And that’s all because I still live with my parents and AT THE MOMENT don’t have a job. These things do not indicate maturity. How hateful you are towards other people shows your maturity.

She would always inquire (in a rude and demanding way) to know about my job situation and how much money I’ve saved up. And at this point in her life when we hang out all she talks about is her relationship (which has always been the same, fighting constantly), her finances, her materialistic stuff, and what else she wants to do with her money in her life. She doesn’t want to talk about deeper issues anymore (cause they’re too depressing). But I’m a natural philosopher and I can’t just sit and talk about that sort of stuff. The last time she came to visit me I was zoning out so hard that I realized I was doing it and thought to myself that she’s wasting her breath and I should probably move on cause…..she obviously needs friends who she can talk about that sort of stuff with or she’s going to try to change me into becoming like her.

She physically abuses her spouse and I should have taken that as the biggest form of evidence that I should never ask her for advice and that she has no place to tell me that I am immature or how to live my life if she can’t keep herself from grabbing “the one she loves” by the hair and ripping his head back and fourth.

I was friends with this girl for 7-8 years. During that time I hardly made any new friends and the friends I did make she always had a problem with even though she could be friends with whoever she wanted. She also has a pension for trying to humiliate me when we would hang out with more than one person. I had to tell her off (after with boiling in rage to the point of exploding only) infront of other people several times.

Okay wrapping up...I was friend with her for that many years, I think, because I was uncomfortable with making new friends and I just wasn’t aware enough that you should call off a friendship when people are like this to you instead of feeling bad cause it might get better down the road. I would say if they’ve hurt you or made you cry more than 5-10 times it’s a good sign to call it off. There will be others even if you feel like you’ll never make another friend, in my personal opinion, I think it’s better to have solitude than to have someone in your life who is constantly sucking out your life fource.

I agree - no friends is better than bad "friends".

This person sounds abusive to everyone. You are not going to change her. The only thing you can do is to let her live out some of the natural consequences of her actions, which includes losing you as a friend. You have to let everyone else decide how they are going to deal with her themselves.

A real friend responds to conflict/criticism that is addressed in a gentle way. If a person completely ignores your concerns, they are NOT a real friend.

I've finally come around to the proper vocab to apply to this situation; "poor boundaries".

This is a serious problem I have always had now that I look back. When I was born I became the playmate of my abused cousin. He abused me, my brother and my other female cousin. Then the way my father's side of the family treated me made me set myself aside and say, "You're wrong, always. And disturbed." It messed up my ability to tell where I end and another begins and that I CAN say NO, without being required to explain myself.

This could sound self-righteous but, even though I'm moving slower than people my age I am glad that I am self-aware enough to look in the mirror and pin point the things that I'm doing which are causing me (and others) trouble.

I would rather spend these 23 years in hell trying to figure myself out than the rest of my life (50-60 year estimate) waiting to die as the same person. This is in fact something I am obsessed with; the transformation of the soul/mind (however you like to refer to it).

I have been in several abusive friendships which started all the way when I was 4 (I can remember that far back). They have range from physical to emotional ones. In fact I just got out of one last month. They were very manipulative and controlling. Their mother was abusive to me too.

Upon what you have said she sounds like she is very narcissistic and mean. She also sounds like she had kicked you when you were down which is what abusers will do. I also feel sorry for her husband and I hope he wakes up. She sounds like a basket case.

I've been victimised by a number of abusive 'friends' who end up gossiping about me behind my back. I haven't had this issue most of my adult life but certainly have experienced it extensively since expatriating to Australia. I thought one woman was my 'best friend' for about six years and didn't even notice the myriad signs that she wasn't, you know, like she never rang me on the phone or visited my house. Why I missed these signs and thought she was my best friend is a mystery to me. I guess I just really wanted it and she never refuted it when I would call her my best friend. Seems like she just complained to other people about it.

I can't help it:

I find it very strange that a best friend would not call me on the phone, or visit me in my home.

That makes no sense at all to me.

She had excuses for it that seemed to make sense at the time - her house was larger, and her older child would get 'bored' at other people's houses. We talked online, so she didn't need to phone. When I became very sick with SLE lupus and she was profoundly absent, it became a lot clearer to me that she wasn't much of a friend at all, much less a best friend. The only time she helped me (-ed*- after I became quite ill) was when I made an emergency call when I had to be hospitalised and had nobody to look after my child (who would say no in that situation), -ed*- and once when I needed to do a scan and my son needed someone to sit with him. That's twice in the three years I lived in that town.

I guess if she hadn't had 'reasons' that seemed valid to me I would have come to an understanding a lot sooner. I have had this problem in the past as well and discovered a lot of people I thought were friends were really just tolerating me. Makes me feel down to talk about it too much, though. I'm doing my best.

ed* I have moved states now and find people in my new area are much nicer and more gracious overall, so I think a lot of my previous friend problem had more to do with the area than maybe anything. I also didn't manage to 'meet the right people' in that area.

I hope things continue to get more positive for you.

Do Australian states have "reputations?" Are New South Wales people thought of as being snobby? Are Tasmanians thought of as being "hick?"

Yes they do have reputations. Generally speaking they are based on prejudices, but in some ways the reputations are correct. Victoria is thought of as a generally more progressive state than Queensland, and it generally is, for instance. Tassie is thought of as redneck when it seems to be quite progressive on closer inspection. Western Australia and Perth in particular is a very isolating place for a lot of people. Folks tend to be more insular there generally speaking, maybe because it is the most geographically isolated city in the world.

How are Melbourne and Sydney viewed in relation to each other?

New York is considered a relatively progressive place (even though the Outer Boroughs, at times, are just as insular as a small town). Places stay open all night. The subway is open all night.

Boston, on the other hand, is considered somewhat snobby.

Chicago is considered more "Midwest." More mellow than New York.

I think if comparisons could be drawn, even though this is a stretch - Sydney would be more like New York or Los Angeles and Melbourne would be more like San Francisco.

I had another childhood friend who would I had known for many years which was a very abusive relationship. Here is a list of things that she did.

Childhood

1. Find ways to hurt me and laugh when I would get hurt
2. Lead me around about calling me back and never would. When I would confront her I got an excuse like "I had to drink milk," or "Well I tried your number but it kept saying it was disconnected" which wasn't.
3. Broke a promise to have me sleep over by calling and saying "I'm not grounded or anything but my grandparents are here. Bye!"
4. Spread outrageous lies about two cousins of mine calling their number and making fun of me behind my back.

Teens-She started dating by age 12 and decided that I was weird (This was also right after she started lying about my cousins)
1. She and her boyfriend made fun of the way I did things at her birthday camping trip
2. Slugged me on the back and gas lit that she even did it.
3. I called a few times and she told me that I had a wrong number. When I called her out she said that she had homework.
4. She started brushing me off by having me call her back in the next 15 minutes because she was doing this or that at the moment.
5. Promised to sleep over but kept postponing and stood me up
6. Made fun of my weight every time we ate by hinting that I was under weight.
7. Made statements about my appearance or dress
8. Talked with her mouth full once and said "I'm eating" over the phone.
9. Started calling me to ask her boyfriend out for her
10. Asking me to pay for things for her
11. Hinted that she wanted to use me to drive her around by asking when I would learn to drive

That is another word I have become familiar with through this situation. "Narcissist". I found myself thinking, "What if I'm the narcissist?" But then I hear that a narcissist usually doesn't consider themselves to be doing things that are narcissistic.

You guys - autistics are prime targets for people with NPD (narcissistic personality disorder). Unfortunately.

There are loads of resources online to read about the disorder and how to watch out for it. I have read and reread a lot of these things in my attempts to heal some of the trauma I've experienced. We're prime 'narcissistic supply' as autistics, and we really need to know how to watch out for those red flags AND listen to our intuitions about them.

It is especially difficult because narcs are very good at mirroring others and that, combined with their 'self' obsession (remember autistic is named after autós which means self), can sometimes make us think we are 'like-minded' with the narc and have a lot in common even though they are almost the exact opposite of autistic.

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2 ... arcissist/

We do seem to be targets for people like that because we are easier to take advantage of. Not only have we been targets for those kinds of people but it would seem that pathological people tend to target us as well.

@ritualdrama There is a saying that a friend of mine taught me "There is no excuse for abuse." It doesn't matter if we are narcissistic or not. Abusers will usually find a way to bring out what's wrong with you.

As far as being abused at age 4, she and I lived in an apartment complex and we met there. She was 2 years older than I was and turned out to be an evil little girl. Just about every time we would get together she always poked me for no reason. Then there was a time where I went to a play ground with her and two other kids. She, her friends, and other children, who didn't like me, dumped sand and a worm down my dress. One of them also scratched one of my legs and pinched me. There were two young adults on a date and I asked for their help but they ignored everything and left. I tried to get a way from them and they knocked me over in the grass and beat me up. That little girl was included. In fact if I recall she kicked me in the face too.

When it first happened I blocked the trauma out and coudn't remember until my dad told me not to associate with them when I saw her and one of her friends playing ball after that. I remember her mouthing hi but wasn't happy to see me and my dad telling me not to talk to them anymore because they were mean girls.

She also had some anger issues- Before the incident that I would go over to her apartment and knock on her door only to have her open the door and yell "I cannot play!" Then she would slam the door.

Many of the women I have been friends with could go into that narcissistic group, it made me feel quite sad to realise that, and accept that my understanding of friendship is naive, and through ignoring certain realities I made myself a target.