How do go about being friends with someone with Asperger's?

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I met this guy who has Asperger's I enjoy talking to him but there is conflict. Sometimes I'll ask him how he's feeling and he doesn't like to express emotions. He says that he finds our conversations uninteresting and told me to read about Asperger's and High Functioning Autism. How can someone who doesn't have Asperger's relate to someone who does have it? Do I just be there for him? Or try to learn about the topics he's interested in? I'm really not sure I've read that people with Asperger's and or Autism don't have emotions. I don't think it's true though everyone has emotions or at least I think so.

He may have alexithymia, which makes it difficult to identify and describe emotions (despite having them), or he may simply be a private person who doesn't want to talk about that stuff. Yes, you would be better off asking about how his special interest is going if you want to hear him talk. If you want to spend time with him, it would be good to suggest a shared activity you are both interested in doing rather than open ended "hanging out", and to make plans beforehand rather than spring it on him spontaneously (some of us will refuse to do even stuff we LIKE to do if forced to do it without warning.) Contact him via the medium where he is most comfortable (text, email, chat) rather than expecting him to call you and spend a long time chatting on the phone.

Yes but every now and then he'll act out for attention I'm surprised he even called me though. I guess I will just be there for him when or if he needs me.

I think he wants to be your friend--but doesn't know how to go about it.

It does seem like he's being condescending to you; I would feel the same way if somebody told me what he told you. But he probably didn't mean it that way; he meant to be straightforward.

I wouldn't emphasize trying to "bring out" his emotions/feelings. I would try to interest myself in what he's interested in.

I wouldn't let him get slick with you, though. If he expects you to do things that he wouldn't do, I would say that to his face.

I can understand that people with Asperger's or High-functioning autism have communication issues. Though I've read where some of them do have friends. To have friends a person would need to be able to communicate on a personal level. So even if they may have different interests that still doesn't mean they can't make friends. I don't want to give up on him though because I really like him. Maybe I just need to step away for awhile.

I think you might have somewhat of a distorted view of Aspergers. It's not all that cut and dry. Aspergians are, at least with some frequency, pretty successful in the social world--but it might take a bit of work--on the part of both Aspergians and "normal" people.

Never let an Aspergian use his/or condition as an excuse not to treat you with respect.

You are correct - everyone has emotions, and aspies feel them just as much as anyone else. The problem is that we might not have a socially appropriate way to express those feelings or we may find them difficult to eloquate how we feel. Emotions are fleeting and are never in stasis, so for somebody who struggles to identify others and their own emotions can find topics about emotions quite difficult to talk about. Plus, some people with ASD just find that sort of casual chitchat to be very boring and will prefer to just stick to facts or ideas rather than feelings.

If he wants to be your friend, he needs to know that he has to make a few compromises. If you can talk to him about his specialist topics and interests, he has to attempt to have a few "emotional" conversations as well. It's something, I've learned, is worth the momentary discomfort. Putting up with peoples feels is more rewarding than being forever alone.

Today he texted me a picture of a flower I guess because it's Valentine's Day I wasn't expecting it. I will try to read and learn some of the things that he's into. It's hard because it's so advanced I'm guessing people with Asperger's probably prefers to be friends with another Aspie? Being as though both of them would probably be on the same level? I've seen where he's said that he's lonely and depressed. This is one of the reasons why I also like talking to him. I know at times he needs someone even if he doesn't always come out and say it. I won't try to force him to express emotion I'll just let him do it on his own. I have to remember not to ask him how he's feeling because he doesn't like to answer that.

A lot of us clash with other autistics. Some of us are just clashy people (I am) and are 'difficult'. We often feel lonely inside our 'difficult' and want to make friends but don't know how, especially if we have been at it for a while we can get angry, bitter, and act superior as sort of protective behaviours. Some of us have been abused extensively in various arenas and are harder to get to know than others.

All that said, I agree with kraftiekortie regarding respect. We are capable of treating others with respect and showing we value them. If he sent you a flower then it's obvious he's trying to show you that you are valuable to him. Friendships need to go both ways, and we autistics need to be able to reach out, discuss other people's interests and ideas in order to have a 'true friendship'.

It could just be your friendship is in the very early stages and you are both still trying to figure out how each other work.

Well, I'll start by saying you're right that people on the autism spectrum do have emotions. I'm pretty sure that all humans have emotions. Some of us just have issues expressing them.

Just as neurotypicals ("normal" people) can vary widely in their personalities and comportment, so too can aspies. Some of us have social deficits that cause very serious problems for us. Others are a bit socially inept, but still able to connect with people without too much extra stress.

As for what you said about the possibility that somebody with Asperger's would rather be friends with somebody else with Asperger's, that can be the case, but is not necessarily. I have a couple friends who are also on the spectrum, but I also have friends that are not and I enjoy their company equally. However, I have noticed that a greater percentage of my social circle is on the spectrum than the percentage of the general population that is. It may just be that it doesn't take as much effort for us to connect, but I honestly don't know. My own personal experiences don't necessarily represent those of other aspies.

Much of the literature at your disposal will not necessarily give you more insight into the situation. The reason it's called "the autism spectrum" is because some of us are more unusual than others. In fact, we're all quite different. For example, people on the spectrum often have sensory issues. Some are too sensitive to smells, sounds, physical sensations or light but others aren't sensitive enough. Some experience these things just as a neurotypical would. It's a very broad range.

Since I don't know either of you, I don't feel comfortable giving any advice that might be specific to you two, but I will say that I believe that as a general rule, people like to be around people who like them. If you want to be friends with this person and have been friendly towards them, there's a good chance that they also would like to be your friend. I hope that whatever you do works out well for both of you.

I'm actually currently in the reverse of your position. Kind of amusing. All I can say, from my perspective, is be completely honest. No B.S., no subtlety. Don't be overly emotional, but if it's important to you to be so just be clear and explain what your emotional issues are. We're capable of understanding emotions, speaking for myself though, don't expect me to fill in the blanks or start gushing. I'm honestly in so far over my head right now that I'm not really sure what the next step should be, and that's all because of the whole 'unspoken' social rules. If he says he wants to be your friend too, that's pretty much cut and dry, you don't need to speculate. If he hasn't, doesn't mean he doesn't, could be a lot of things. All I can really say is that, while making the point that I concur with Locks and I can't really say that my opinion applies to your situation, I would appreciate that pure honesty.

As to my personal opinion on where you stand with him, which you didn't ask for but it seems to be open season to give it, I know I only really go out of my way to mention my, uh, condition when I have a reason for it. I mean, there's absolutely no reason to give someone that, window of understanding, without expecting them to make use of it. Again, I'll emphasize that this is only my opinion based on my perspective and may or may not accurately apply in your situation.

Side note, at least some people have what I will hesitatingly call defense mechanisms (for lack of a better term. I'm an engineering student, not a psychologist). If I'm ever uncomfortable or don't know what to do, I immediately switch to constant jokes and sarcasm (I know that sounds ironic coming from an aspie, but I grew up on sitcoms so it's second nature). Just be aware of that.

For me the order of what I'll share goes:

- Interests

- Emotions such as how my day has ACTUALLY been

- Deeper feelings

Noone is getting anywhere near my feelings until I've taken enough time to suss out their character.

I'm different, I have no special interest which I'm realising is a little off for an auty. I've never been able to fixate on one thing without getting bored so instead of a life long fixation I have an endless series of fads which I go through. It makes conversation a little easier with NTs because i don't obsess over things, on the downside they soon learn that our 'shared' interests are only a passing phase for me. Once I've moved on it becomes difficult to carry on conversations as well as we used to, my circle of 'real' (non-FB friends that i used to know 10+years ago etc..) is only about 5 people and I'm quite happy with that.

For me personally, I don't like to be hassled into anything by my friends, if anything i prefer to be left alone, but still I'd like invites to events for different things. Even stuff I'm not actively interested in, if there is some sort of pageantry or prestige to it I'll be enticed (never listened to Charlotte Church's music but went to see her live when she was playing in town).

Making friends isn't all about sharing interests, it more about sharing memories. Go and experience life with someone (shows, conventions, theme parks, drinking, whatever you can get them to go to) and then you'll always have something to talk about when conversation dries up. Keep doing things and eventually you'll never feel awkward because you've shared so much that you've formed a bond.

Aperta Verbum
http://apertaverbum.weebly.com/

Now I know not to ever ask him how he's feeling ever again. I learned my lesson and I will never do that again he got upset when I kept asking. Saying that our conversations were uninteresting and that's why he hardly responds. It really did hurt my feelings and I told him that I wouldn't text him anymore. We kept talking though and he ended up calling me that's when he told me that he thought we weren't compatible but that he thought I was a nice woman. I asked him what he meant by that and he never told me. He told me that I could be doing more productive things instead of trying to be friends with him. I asked him why he felt this way and did he value himself he just laughed. Previously he had asked me to tell him the reasons why I liked him. So after we hung up the phone I sent him another text telling him the reasons why I liked him. Then the next day he sent me a flower that was on Valentine's Day. I did tell him that I wanted to make an effort to learn about the things that interest him. He has asked me a few times to come visit him (he and I live in different states).

You could ask about his feelings in subtle ways--not directly as in: "I need to know what you're feeling!"

Ask him about his interests....like I stated previously. His feelings are reflected in his interests.

Don't assume that your relationship will be "stone-cold." Just don't directly ask about his "feelings." His "feelings" will be reflected in his actions.

It's that way for many "NT" people as well.