Showing Interest in Friendships

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I just had a conversation with one of my friends that basically could be summed as: “You never talk to me unless you need something, or I talk to you first. It makes me think you're not interested in our friendship.” And I realized that she's completely right. I don't tend to think about talking with other people in a small-talk sort of way. Usually I only bother them when I have a question. I just had no idea I was doing it. Or that it was a sign of disinterest. It's simply the way I've always been. But I don't know how to fix it either. Has anyone ever encountered this before? How do I show interest? Or perhaps the better question would be how do I show interest in being friends without becoming an obnoxious pester?

I'm a bit like you. I don't know how to approach people. Most of my friends approached me first, or were introduced to me first by my wife. Doesn't mean I don't know how to talk to people, or make good conversation.

I get quite nervous with people I haven't met before and it takes a while before I learn to trust other people. I also don't have a lot in common with most people, as my main interests are in science and history and most people want to talk about what they watched on TV the night before.

Once I do get to know people I usually open up and talk quite honestly which can upset the peple who don't know me very well. When people get to know me they can tell that I'm very honest and loyal to them, which they see is a major advantage in having me as a friend.

This pretty much sums up why I have so few real friendships, and I have experienced pretty much everything you just described here. The way I've dealt with it, given that most of my friends are online and I don't really care about that fact, is by participating in Skype groups. It's provides just enough structure for me to be comfortable use it habitually but not so much that I feel like I am making obligations and not so little that I feel I'm bothering people. Other than that, though, I don't know what to tell you. I mean, personally, I know I enjoy talking with my friends even without a group or anything like that to facilitate conversation, but the feeling that there's no point to randomly talking to a friend without a specific purpose creates a mental block that keeps me from making a habit of the activity. I don't entirely understand why I feel that way, but I do, and occasionally I think about all of the friends and the relatives that I have not talked to in months or even years and feel bad about myself.

While it would be tempting to simply try talking to my friends with a schedule-like regularity, I also know the feeling of being pestered by someone that has no real reason to talk to me, and it's just awkward and I want to avoid that. I think that participating in regular activities with your friends is a good way to show interest, but there are also problems that arise with that. I suppose the "optimal solution" would be to ask or otherwise learn what kinds of interactions each of your friends enjoy on a regular basis and which ones are not so great for that.

I'm never the person to say these kinds of things, but, honestly, all of these thoughts and considerations that I ponder make me baffled with how NTs deal with the volatile and complex nature of human relationships.

OP,

I had a friend in college give me that "talk." I realized I was kind of a lousy friend, though I had not intended it. I learned to try and make more of an effort to be intentional about the other person.

You don't always have to come up with things to talk about. All you need to do is show interest. What that entails is asking how the other person is doing. Say things like, "How was your day today?" or "Do you have anything interesting going on?" Or, ask about their work/family/school - anything you know the person is actively involved in. This will get a conversation *started* and then you can ask further questions to show interest, based on how your friend responds.

To never ask what's going on with another person, I think shows disinterest. It communicates (whether you intend it or not) that it will make no difference to your life if this person is a part of it or not, or that they are only valuable for what they can give to YOU. That is not a real friendship.

I suggest you ask up on your friend at least once a week, more often if you see each other almost daily.

The easiest way I keep in touch with friends is sending them something cute and funny I found on the internet. People don't really care what you talk about but they will feel neglected if you don't talk to them at all every few days at least.