I Feel Massively Inadequate

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I feel like I'm not up to par socially. Despite being extremely proficient in my vocabulary, and my ability to articulate, I feel completely at a loss socially. I also, like many of us, find it hard to separate my own rationalizations of myself and compensations, to accurately get an objective assessment of my skills, attributes and abilities. I was having a conversation with a man at a Starbucks today, and something very odd happened. First we were discussing diet and evolution and what the gut can process, then I had a book on Freemasonry that I'm reading, and it was out on the table. I asked him if he's ever read anything about it or been into it. He said no, and seemed strange about it, like as if it were something he regarded as "okay, whatever". But then he asked me, "what can you tell me about it." ...looking back on it rather blithely, and possibly just to humor me, but I was interested and eager and so I started in on his question...explained some things that I know, that I'd think would be interesting to most people. This guy apparently seemed to balk at what I was saying, awkwardly lifting his drink up, and then after some time saying "I hate to interrupt our conversation, but I have to go wash this (drink) off my hands. And abruptly left. The message was clear, and, I took the hint.

I should remark that this gentleman was older and is one of those 'regulars' oddball but benign types that I always see at this coffee shop. I just thought it would be interesting to talk to him today - it was a beautiful and crisp sunny day and I was feeling open and talkative. Was there something wrong with the way I went about he conversation? Could I chalk it down to this guys apparent already existing oddness?

Something else stuck out and bothered me today, too, there. While I was talking to him, I realized in myself once again a tendency I have to not recognize other people's needs, feelings or thoughts around me. While I was talking it was as if the whole of the drive of my impetus was focused on the divulgence of knowledge and information, it's really as if....nothing else matters for me. I realized it clear as day and it made me silent for a few long moments.

Does this prove I'm autistic? ...do I do this all the time without being aware of it? I probably do, I realized, and it made me humbled and silent. It's no wonder my friendships lack, or connections are so tenuous.
I also realized I have to consciously try to pay attention to other things like, the act of having a conversation , rather than it being just a chance to impart my knowledge. Maybe there's a whole, rich world out there I'm barely scraping and not in touch with.

This realization depressed me greatly, and I'm still infact depressed, by it.



Thanks for reading

That guy you were talking to sounds weird. He asked you to tell him about it and you did. If he just wanted to humor you he shouldn't have said that.

If you like to read, you should check out Irving Goffman's "Presentation of Self in Everyday Life."

It explains in MINUTE detail how interactions are performed and what's going on with each person as they interact. It's also written well so it's enjoyable to read.

Perhaps it was because of the freemasonry topic, he might have thought that you seemed like nutjob from your conversation about that topic, if he started acting weird from then on.

Often, I do find that people seem cool at first, then they start talking about some topic in some way that seems nutjobish to me, then I want to flee from them as quickly as possible, it's a feeling of first turning off on them, then actively wanting to get away from them.

You are aware, the Freemasons actually exist, correct?

They are a big presence internationally and have many well funded and architecturally impressive lodges in cities worldwide.

You de-facto called me a nut job. I know that wasn't maybe your intent, but that's what you essentially did, haha.

And no, to talk if freemasonry is not nuts. I know a couple of masons personally. It's very real.

Aww I wouldn't worry about it. Your not inadequate and how you compare socially shouldn't upset you too much so long as you can ask for the things you need and swap information rather than socialise like a 'regular' person. I hope you understand.

You might find this thread interesting, if you haven't seen it already.
viewtopic.php?f=3&t=87241

I think most people perceive it as an "information dump" if you are talking a lot about something that really interests you. I would bet when this guy asked, what can you tell me about it, he was just hoping for you to say something really pithy or witty that he could use to bounce off into another topic.

I think it could be a controversial topic.

I agree with this. ...sigh.

Did you go into every detail?

That is a familiar-sounding situation. I must say I have squashed more than one conversation by launching into a special interest. I usually experience some self-hatred afterwards, followed by discouragement. So while talking with someone I try to self-monitor what I am saying. If I find myself saying more than 1-3 sentences in a row without stopping and letting the other person contribute or redirect the conversation, then I feel I am in jeopardy of info dumping. The self-monitoring is draining, and not always successful, but I give it my best shot.

It almost sounds like he was a bit intimidated by the topic, perhaps way out of his depth and at a loss about how to contribute to the conversation when he perhaps knew nothing to add? You obviously know your subject well here, and it may have come off as you trying to belittle him with your smarts maybe?

Obviously this is all speculation, seeing as I have as much trouble understanding people as most everyone else on these forums, but it's easier to look at this subjectively with the information given and draw up some kind of logical conclusion.