Feeling on the Verge of Confronting My Sister

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To try to make a very long story as short as possible, I have an older sister. She was never a very loving or friendly person...when we'd carpool to school she'd not talk to me, and if I tried to talk to her she'd shush me or turn up the radio. She was emotionally abusive and sometimes physically as well. I still have scars where she would dig her fingernails into my wrists and hands.

But still I try to maintain a relationship with her because she is my only sibling. But the silence continues. I suspect she's a very unhappy person. She's overweight, she fights with her husband. She doesn't really have friends to speak of. I call her every week or so to see how she's doing. She never calls me back. In fact the only time she does call me (which is extremely rare) is when she needs something from me, like help with her computer. It's the same way with my parents; she seldom calls them.

My parents excuse or try to rationalize her behavior, despite the frustrations I express to them as to how emotionally distant and cold she is. One year recently she didn't get my mom or I gifts on our birthdays, and I can't remember the last time she wished me a happy birthday by call or by text.

Which brings me to today. It's my birthday today. And I feel like I'm ready to confront my sister. If I don't hear from her today, if she doesn't remember my birthday, I want to call her and tell her, "Look if you want a relationship with me, I'm leaving it up to you. As is I'm no longer going to try to call you." I think it's time she understood the consequences of her actions (or inactions).

But I'm always held back from this kind of action because of concern for the family and wanted to maintain harmony. Yet I feel like things have come this far exactly because no one has spoken up and told her her behavior is not acceptable if she wants to be a part of the family. I feel like she needs a dose of wisdom, but I fear the consequences could be great.

What should I do?

Talking is always a good idea so long as you can avoid being accusatory. Just go for a very neutral yet blunt question like "I've been confused about something recently and I hoped that you could help me understand. I feel like you don't want a relationship with me, am I correct?" The 'I' statements are important because they're non accusatory. On the other hand 'you's' are accusatory.

I would say though that it's fairly obvious she doesn't want to be a part of the family. A mistake I used to make all the time was believing other people felt the same way I did. It was so frustrating because I wanted a relationship with this person but they didn't try to have one with me and it got me so angry just wondering what's wrong with them why don't they act appropriately why I was the only one trying. But the fault was mine I never considered that they had different feelings, objectives, and that they never wanted anything to do with me.

You should tell her, in a nice way, that it's not acceptable for her to forget your birthday.

Assert yourself, yet do it nicely.

She may have some kind of deep problem and she's pushing people away because she doesn't know how to ask for help.