hardest to socialize when people ramble
In this question, I'm using the word "ramble" to describe social situations where people talk but don't really talk about anything important, in other words almost talking about nothing at all. You probably know what I'm talking about here. People are talking but the conversation doesn't fallow the usual topic, another topic, another topic, ask questions, share a story related to topic...ect. Instead it's more like spara tic remarks, jokes, random comments that don't really have a specific topic about anything really people just playing around like dogs. With my socoal sulls, I find I'm the worst when it comes to knowING how to socialize like this. I feel like I can only talk about stuff related to events, ideas, things, stories, facts or people. The other type of talking like what people do during parties or casually hanging out on the school ground just seems foreign to me. Does anyone else relate to this struggle?
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James Hackett
aspie quiz results; http://www.rdos.net/eng/poly12c.php?p1= ... =80&p12=28
Yes. What you describe as "rambling" I tend to refer to as "chit-chat", but it's the same thing. Extended back-and-forth about nothing. If I were a more cynical person I'd say it seems like a mere formality and fake, but other people seem to get something out of it, so...
I usually say that I'm better at talking about things I'm interested in, but that isn't really all of it. Even things I don't care about so much, if they're specific topics, I can have an extended conversation about. It's the trail of comments about this, that, and the other thing, going in all different directions, that I struggle with. Like you, it seems.
A therapist told me recently that the purpose of this kind of chatter is to get to know another person without being "inappropriate" by telling your whole life story to a complete stranger, but to me, he's thinking dualistically. It's either this prattle or complete disclosure that may be uncomfortable for both people. The third option is what you suggest - there are plenty of worthwhile topics to talk about that don't involve a hugely personal element, which I tend to think would make getting to know the person you're talking to much quicker and simpler than this nattering talk people carry on with. As with social behaviour there is a distinct element of follow-the-leader, you might experiment with turning the conversation onto something that's actually interesting, say a topic, and see if they follow suit and dispense with the small talk.
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Alexithymia - 147 points.
Low-Verbal.
Could the "getting to know" involve non verbal communication?
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Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 118 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 80 of 200
You are very likely neurodiverse (Aspie)
I love the responses! Hopefully I'll be able to read some more soon.
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James Hackett
aspie quiz results; http://www.rdos.net/eng/poly12c.php?p1= ... =80&p12=28
According to Wikipedia on small talk (chit chat):
In spite of seeming to have little useful purpose, small talk is a bonding ritual and a strategy for managing interpersonal distance. It serves many functions in helping to define the relationships between friends, work colleagues, and new acquaintances. In particular, it helps new acquaintances to explore and categorize each other's social position. Small talk is closely related to the need for people to maintain positive face - to feel approved of by those who are listening to them. It lubricates social interactions in a very flexible way, although the desired function is often dependent on the point in the conversation at which the small talk occurs:
1. Conversation opener: when the talkers do not know each other, it allows them to show that they have friendly intentions, and desire some sort of positive interaction. In a business meeting, it enables people to establish each other's reputation and level of expertise. Where there is already a relationship between two talkers, their small talk serves as a gentle introduction before engaging in more functional topics of conversation. It allows them to signal their own mood and to sense the mood of the other person.
2. At the end of a conversation: suddenly ending an exchange may risk appearing to reject the other person. Small talk can be used to mitigate that rejection, affirm the relationship between the two people, and soften the parting.
2. Space filler to avoid silence: in many cultures, silences between two people are usually considered uncomfortable. Tension can be reduced by starting phatic talk until a more substantial subject arises. Generally, humans find prolonged silence uncomfortable, and sometimes unbearable. This can be due to human evolutionary history as a social species, as in many other social animals silence is a communicative sign of potential danger.
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Impermanence.
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