AM I BEING CATFISHED?

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Howdy. It's me, Angie. I have an Aspie friend that I have been talking to now by text for 1.5 yrs. We met on Aspie Central and started emailing there then started texting. I have sent pictures to him of me, Waldo, things I've knitted, things I've cooked, etc. I'm an open book. I have not received one picture from him and I accepted this because he said he isn't into taking selfies. Fine. We have never talked on the phone. I know Aspies don't like phonecalls.

Then tonight I talked to him. He had went to China to study abroad for a month with 15 people. When he came back he had told me that he took over a thousand pictures and I asked if he would send me a picture of him and the people he went to China with. He said he would then dropped the subject. I asked last night if he had found a picture yet that he wanted to send and he said nothing. Tonight, I asked about the picture and he said he was driving. Three hours later I texted him back and asked about it and he said nothing. I finally just came out and asked if there was a reason he didn't want me to see his picture and he said "No". He said he wanted to remain "anonymous". I said "Forget about your picture. I've known you now for 1.5 yrs and you still want to remain anonymous? Are you hiding something?" He said "No that's just the way I am." I just said "Nevermind. I feel weird. I guess I've seen too many Catfish shows. I'm going to bed."

My question is: Is he even a guy? I have no idea at this point to be honest with you. I know about his schooling, his parents, his brother and sister-in-law, that he likes to go to the gym, drink smoothies, likes BBC movies. We've talked about our friends. His story was consistent with his posts on the web site. Now he went to China with these 15 people and took pictures with them, so I know he has pictures of him with them that he could send and he said he would send. Now he is saying he isn't sending the pictures, he didn't answer when I asked if we will ever talk on the phone. Yet he said I was a real friend to him. Everyone else knows what he looks like and sounds like except me which he wants to remain anonymous with. I'm wondering if he may be a woman cause a picture and telephone call would be able to tell me. My other Aspie friends have all sent pictures. I don't know what to think. I didn't think that Aspies could act like this. I accepted it this long because of him being Aspie and not wanting to take pictures and not wanting to talk on the phone. What if it's all a big lie? He did give me his address, but not his last name. I was able to look up his address online and found a last name for the address, but how do I know it's even his real name? I watched the Catfish show too many times and they all usually have this kind of stuff in common - no phone calls or pictures. And the word "anonymous" scares me. What do I do?

I don't blame you for being upset. But he seems cautious. I would only press the issue gently; otherwise he will back off.

Do you feel romantic towards him?

Maybe over 8 months ago, but he made it clear that even though we have the exact same "likes" we could never go be a couple because our zodiac signs don't match. I didn't know if that was some sort of smoke screen or if he really believed in it. So I remained with the friendship.

If he is still wanting to remain "anonymous", that tells me this won't go anywhere past where it's going. He says he's not hiding anything - what does he think the word "anonymous" means? I have seen the Catfish show and now I looked up the signs and he has most of them.

I looked up his address and it comes up with some sort of music business with his first name. I don't know what to do from here because I keep wondering if there's something weird with him.

Should I ask him....How am I supposed to know that you're not a woman?

I wouldn't broach the subject. He wants to remain anonymous, apparently. Maybe he's had stalkers before.

I understand you want a friendship based on honesty. But I think it would be counterproductive to push the issue. In return, I wouldn't invest my whole heart in him. I'd seek other, less "anonymous" friends.

I wish I could offer more promising advice.

I don't know what catfishing is but you may have outgrown the relationship. I only make myself crazy trying to sort out whether someone is playing with me.

If someone makes you unhappy with their behavior in a relationship and you can't find a compromise that makes sense to you, you don't have to block him, but maybe it's time to look for some other friends who want the greater connectedness you do and just kind of let the importance of this one fade?

I think Angela means that the guy is doing something similar to what some guy did to some woman on a show called "Catfish."

I'm not really sure, but 1.5 years without even a single picture, and still wanting to remain 'anonymous' sounds a bit fishy, even for an aspie...

Sounds a bit odd -- after a year and a half I would have expected at least to be able to talk on the phone. I've had online friends whom I've started to allow to phone me and chat much sooner than that.

I could maybe understand worrying about sending a picture, but refusing to chat on the phone seems odd. I'm not even a big fan of phones, but still.

OMG I love Catfish.

I'm assuming that you want to find out the truth. If you were going to just stop talking to him for being weird you wouldn't have put so much detail into your post, right?

If he went on a school trip...do you know the name of his university? Then you could call and ask if he is enrolled in whatever program he's supposed to be in. And you could search for other people that went on this supposed trip.

You could also look up the brother and sister in law and try to find information about them. Maybe one of them has a Facebook and he might be in their pictures?

You really don't know what his issue is. Yeah he could be a girl, but it could also be that he's not the weight/size he told you, or a different race, or maybe he thinks he's ugly. I would guess that some of what he's telling you isn't true, but who knows which things are true and which aren't?

Keep us updated. I would like to know what the deal is.

Yeah, I agree with SocOfAutism, in that he might not look like he said he did----or, he's TWELVE, or something!

I also like the idea of finding-out if he's on Fb. If YOU are, you could tell him, something like: "I just got the coolest post on Fb" (even if you didn't), and then give him an interesting quote, from a famous person, or something----and then say: "Are YOU on Fb?"----but, then don't turn right-around and ask him if his brother is, or something, cuz then he'll probably figure it out. If you already know that he's NOT on Fb, you could, maybe, say something like: "OMG, they were talking about Fb, again, today, on _______. I just don't see what the attraction, is----do YOU? Do you know anyone on Fb?" 'Course, you might have to have the person's last name, as well.....

Another thing that concerns me, is that it's very common for sexual predators to "groom" someone they're after, for a couple of years----'course, that's usually little kids / young girls, but.....

Please let us know, what happens!

Either he's hiding something about his looks that he doesn't like or he doesn't want to get closer with you or it's a catfish thing. Or he could just be that strange about things. The only way to know is to tell him flat out what you suspect. Tell him that even if he doesn't want to be in a romance with you, that you want to know right now that he's who he says he is and you want a phone call and a picture holding up your name or a skype session. Tell him just once and you won't ask anymore. Tell him that you have accepted that it's just how he is about pictures and it's time for him to accept that it's just how you are about making sure, so it's time to fish or cut bait. If your friendship means something to him, then he should please do it to give you peace of mind.

If he won't then for real don't talk to him. Let him contact you, then still insist on it.

Or, if you only want to be his friend you could just let it go. He could very well be that way. I don't have pics of me unless one of my kids takes them and puts them on here for me, so I couldn't send a pic. I have them on my FB that they sent me though. Are you on his FB? I also can't skype. I don't know how. My daughter tried to help me skype with a friend on here once but it wouldn't work. The things were on and it would call but nothing else. I however, love to talk on the phone and have talked with lots of folks from here and many are on my FB and one lives near me but we haven't got together although we surely met before because we ran in the same circle and I dated a guy who was a roommate with the guy she dated. So, some of that could be true. I don't know. However, if you enjoy the friendship for just a friendship then leave it be. Who cares who is behind the screen if they are being a friend and just chatting? lots of people pretend to be someone else online then make friends and wish they had told the truth. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. Either way, it's up to you.

But I'd tell him to s**t or get off the pot.

I heard his voice tonight! He is definitely a guy and he has a very cute New Yorkian accent! I could listen to him talk for hours, unfortunately that would mean LOTS of small talk and that's a no-no since he's Aspie. Darn! I'm respecting him not wanting to send a picture. I'm hoping he'll change his mind later.

Don't lump all aspies into the not liking small talk category. I'm an aspie and I'm very friendly and outgoing and I love to talk on the phone, in person, online and make small talk or have deep conversations. However, I was dx'd in middle age and by then I had forced myself to learn how and do it so it's not a problem anymore and I like it. But don't think all aspies fit every sign or symptom. We are all very different.

I second the thing about not all Aspies hating small talk -- there is a lot of variance with things like this.

I too was diagnosed later in life after having pushed myself out of almost mutism, into being able to be more outgoing and able to not only do small talk but to enjoy it. Not always, as not all small talk is fun or interesting, but some can be and I love that kind. With the right person I've become very close with, I can be known to talk on the phone for hours and hours.

With the wrong person and the wrong situation, ten minutes of small talk can exhaust me so badly I'm not well for a while. It all depends on both the nature of the friendship and also on the particular person with ASD.

There's a saying: "If you've met one Aspie.....you've met one Aspie."

As someone who values my privacy, I have to object to the term "catfish" being used here. I think that term is more for those who full on lie in order to get money or lead someone on in a relationship. I don't think it applies to people who just want to remain anonymous online.

You say this guy is just a friend. So if he's talking to you, and you two are getting along, I think the conversations and things of that nature are what matters.. not his pictures.

I can't speak for this guy.. But for me, personally.. I will rarely show my picture to someone I am interested in for a relationship. It takes me a long time to feel comfortable enough with someone to do that. As for a friend, I've had a few online friends for over five years, who have never seen what I look like, and it's never been an issue. I don't like being asked for my pic.. And I especially don't like feeling pressured to give it.

My reason for this is because for me, the internet is an escape from my personal life. I enjoy being able to communicate with a person, and have my words matter.. not my appearance. I was picked on a lot in school, and never really liked myself. When I show someone my picture on here, I don't get the same reaction, but rather I get told that I'm "cute" or that I have nice eyes.. Something like that. And for me, it doesn't really feel good, because I feel like they say that because they can't see the way that I am in person.

I had an online relationship a few years ago, where we'd exchanged pictures and been on webcam and phone together.. And we met in person, after about six months, and long story short, it didn't work out, because I wasn't what they wanted. It's hard to say, but a picture can't show just how "creepy" and socially awkward I am. So while it's really my face, and I'm not faking, the person is still fooled, through no fault of my own.

Internet relationships and friendships are a combination of who we really are and how the person perceives us in their mind. My suggestion is to go easy on this guy and stop pressuring him and accusing him of "catfishing", because that will possibly make him want to pull away from you. Let him go at his own pace and do what he feels is right for him.

If it is important for you to have someone to share pictures with and move at a faster pace, it might be better to find someone else, and let him have his privacy, because it sounds like that's what he's wanting. I advise strongly against digging further in to his life, behind his back. You have no reason to believe he is lying to you.. And if I discovered that someone was digging in my life, for more information than I was willing to give, I would be very quick to hit the block button.

I don't feel it's necessary to really dig into why he's doing it or who he really is, what matters is he's obviously hiding something from you and he cannot be fully trusted. To pursue him romantically would be a colossal waste of your time. All the signs are right in your face, you've known him for 1.5 years and he's proven he can be around people in a new situation and take pictures, but he will not do it for a long time friend - there is very obviously something wrong about his character and who he really is.