THINGS NT'S DO THAT JUST DON'T MAKE SENSE!

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Howdy! Me here, Angie. I came here as an NT in hopes that I could help in some way. So I thought I'd start a thread about some things that NT's do that just don't make sense to Aspie's and maybe I can try to shed some light on the subject.

So what are some things that NT's do that just don't make sense to you?

The fact that they (at least some) seem to lie with such ease and so often.. Just bite the dust already, lying usually causes more trouble than telling the truth (even when painful) anyway (just think well through how you say it/ "put it out there"), so to me, being honest just makes more sense, and it makes a more decent character, as i find it hard to regain trust in people that has shown to often take to lying

Their indifference to the use of treachery and other dishonorable practices of the nature. I'm obviously aware that not all are like this, or to the extreme which disgust me, but those who are like this are going to a place we like to call "special hell". A tip of the hat to anyone who catches the reference from one of my favorite shows there

I couldn't agree more! That's why I really liked hanging out with Aspies because I read that it's hard for them to lie, do you find that to be true too? I don't usually lie and if I find that I have to it is usually at work when someone asks me about a test and if the results are in. If the results are good then I will tell them, but if it is bad, it falls on the doctor so they can explain things in more detail. I did use to lie when I was younger and had to go to confession at church - I would say that I need forgiveness for lying, but that was a lie cause I didn't really lie back then either. Lies always do come back to bite one in the butt.

I used to have a friend who was in this group of friends and she was actually a compulsive liar. Everything that came out of her mouth was a lie and we knew it. Of course, she told so many that she couldn't keep track, but rather than embarrass her we just pretty much ignored everything she said. Her real life must have been crappy for her to need to lie so much.

I, myself also don't see a need to lie to someone that asks me a question about something they're wearing or a hairstyle or whatever. Where I used to work, my co-workers knew that I would tell them the truth so they actually would come to me knowing I wasn't going to sugarcoat my answer.

Right now I have a friend that I'm not telling the truth about why I'm acting like I am because if I told her the truth then the friendship would be over. I don't see that as lying - just covering up my feelings to save a friendship that I think is worth saving.

I have an Aspie friend that isn't quite being open to me about something and I am very hurt by this and we did have a small argument over the matter. I just decided to let it go otherwise he might decide to end the friendship because I guess I'm asking too much out of him. I think that is lying in a way - he isn't telling me the truth, instead he just remains silent. I don't know what to do about that.

I had to look up treachery and found it was a "betrayal of trust and loyalty". Is that what you are meaning? It depends on the NT. Speaking for myself, I am very loyal to my friends and family to the point that I won't end the friendship/relationship unless they do something that is completely off the chart of acceptable. I've never been married, but I do believe if I were to find that one real Hunny meant just for me, that he would be the only one. Me and one of my Aspie friends got into a tiff when he sided with someone else that I was having an argument with and I got very upset because I thought he was being disloyal to me - he just didn't have the full story. I believe it depends on the person really.

Can you give me an example of what someone did that was "treacherous"?

Your right with the meaning and like I had said not every nt falls under this label. I've met plenty of nt's that are decent and very respectable people. Most treacherous acts generally do involve what might be considered morally underhanded acts. Not something as simple as lying, but more advanced things like stabbing someone in the back, going back on an agreement, or seeking others out for personal game to name a few.

Oh, you're talking about the pros that don't have a conscience. However, I do find several NT women to be this way (as in backstabbing) and it's usually when they are jealous of what another person has. I'm very choosy when picking my women friends and I only have two at the moment. I had a group of women friends for 20+ years and had to let them go because of a "backstabber" in the group. Of course, my Mama is my best friend and I totally trust her. The only guy friends I have are Aspie's and they are online and not IRL. I don't know if I have experienced someone going back on an agreement ( I don't know if you are meaning just an agreement among friends or legal) and the seeking someone out for personal gain I would have to have an example of that too to understand what you mean exactly. The ones you speak of though are usually people that are repeat offenders and don't really care who they hurt.

Why do NTs do a nice favor and are appreciated more for it, but when I do a favor I'm dropped if I don't make it my permanent duty?

Why do NTs believe that living in illusion (and later disappointment) is more pleasant than living in reality? One example is they prefer a charming person over a genuinely caring (but not charming) person.

Why do so many NTs think that having influence will get them a better life than surrounding themselves with people who truly care about them?

If you have "the" answers to these 3, you're my hero.

I'll have to get back to you. I had a long response and the site logged me out and everything was lost. This site doesn't have automatic saving????? That upsets me.

Hi, well definitely the "lies".

Why do they say "How are you?" or "How is it going?" or "You ok?" when all they mean is "Hi" and then you have to answer "Fine or Ok, or the same" or some other rubbish that isn't true and then also ask "How are you?" but not mean it. Why can't we just say "Hi" or "Hello" and leave it at that?

And don't ask me how my weekend was, if you don't want to hear a detailed account of it.

And WHY is being in a relationship all about little lies??????????

Saying "I miss you, too" when in this moment you kind of don't, which doesn't mean that you no longer care, you do, of course, but right now I don't miss you, I will say "I miss you" , when I actually do.

Or looking forward to seeing you, whereas in fact you'd rather like to stay at home today and just be on your own.

I feel like I'm forced to lie constantly to not hurt my boyfriend's feelings and it makes me feel awful inside, it really does and it makes me unhappy, but I know that's what he needs to hear to feel, that I care and I just hate it.

Before we started going out, he gave me a cd with his music, he's a songwriter and asked me how I liked it and unfortunately, I was honest, I said "I think it's very good, but it's not really my thing, as I usually listen more to classical music." Also all this songs are so sad, you might want to slash your wrists at the end of the cd. (Ok, I know, I shouldn't have said that bit, but it just came out. ).

Obviously, what I should have said was "I think the cd is great and I have been listening to it non stop - it's great".

For the first year, he kept telling everybody, how I hated his music - when did I say that??? Wouldn't it have been worse, if I had said, well, it's my kind of music, but I think you are no good at it? Maybe it's the same thing for NT's?


Oh and how friendships work, how do they do it? Do they have an app? It all just seems to click and they get on and do stuff and seem happy and relaxed and it all makes sense to them and they want to meet up all the time and be on the phone and talk about....erm nothing really and that makes them happy.

Sorry, the last bit is of course exaggerated, but the friendship thing, yeah that really baffles me...


Rant over

Oh my. What I say is going to be straight forward, so if it seems rude it's not because I'm trying to be rude.

The "hi how are you?" is stupid. I actually don't do it or I'll say exactly how I'm feeling at that moment. Like at the grocery store if they ask, I'll say "tired" or "hot" or whatever I'm feeling. Before that, that line bothered me so much that I would say "do you really want to know?" That would throw them for a loop. If I don't want to fool around with the person at that time then that's when I'll say "fine". I never ask how they are unless I really want to know. I kinda Aspie when it comes to that line, I suppose. Anyway, its really just a ritual to NT's.

OK. Now the relationship questions. I am going to be brutally honest (hard for me since I'm Miss Etiquette), but if Aspies are going to be in relationships with NT's and want it to work it needs to be told.

The "I miss you". I'm actually going through this right now with one of my Aspie friends. He went to China for a month and before he left I said "I'm really going to miss you." I meant it too. He said "Thanks! It's good to know that someone is going to miss me." I thought, what about me? Aren't you going to miss me? Am I not a good friend because you say that I am, but maybe I'm not really that important to you then. I was hurt - a lot, to the point of crying. Of course, he didn't know he hurt me that much because we are texting, but if he was in front of me he wouldn't have liked my response.

The "looking forward to seeing you". Usually I like staying home too, but I do really want to see my friends too. I say that I'm looking forward to seeing them because I am looking forward to seeing them or else I wouldn't keep them as friends. If I want to stay at home, I usually don't make any get-together dates and I tell them that I'm just wanting to relax at home. Sometimes I have forced myself to be social and it usually comes out good in the end and I'm glad I went because I really do want to see my friends.

NT's have to have their feelings reciprocated, otherwise it feels like its a one-sided relationship. I can tell you that your relationship is not going to work at this rate. I read in an Aspie book once that "NT's need to have certain things done and said and an Aspie shouldn't question whether it makes sense - it just is." That is true. NT's work on "feelings" and Aspies work on "logic".

Now about his songs. It's ok to say that they are depressing, but saying the last line of "wanting to slash your wrists" was totally unnecessary. It's fine to have a differing opinion, but how you choose to say something is what makes all the difference. What could have been said is something like "I think you're a great musician, however, some of your songs come off as being depressing. I'd really like to see you use your talent for more uplifting songs. What do you think?" So then you have said your opinion and ended it with a question to see what his thoughts are on the subject. It's all about the delivery.

You say it bothers you to have to tell him that you care. Do you care about him? It shouldn't have to be a forced effort. If you can't say it and mean it, you need to get out of the relationship because you are making him unhappy. So far, you haven't said anything that you LIKE about your boyfriend. If there isn't anything, leave the relationship.

It's all about positive affirmations. Stroking someone's ego in a way that is positive and truthful. Complimenting. Take my Aspie friends (this is also very true of NT's), I find something that I like about them and compliment them about it every so often - not daily because then it sounds fake to a person. I do this because all people respond to a nice compliment about themselves. Who wants to hear negativity all the time? And I know that Aspies like it too because my Aspie friends get very happy hearing it. If that's one thing you learn that will get you a long way in an NT friendship, it's knowing how to give a good compliment and mean it. If you must point out a flaw in a person, be sure to also back it up with something positive about them.

It's hard for me to explain the friendship thing because it usually just "clicks" with me too. I try to first get along with everyone that I'm around then try to tell who has the same "likes" as me. Opposite "likes" and it won't' work too well because there won't be anything to talk about and "bond" with. Friendship develops over time - at least the true friendships do. The more you learn about a person will "bond" you more to that person. However, you have to actually be interested in getting to know the other person and want a friendship or it will feel "fake". I also at first hold back a little because if you're too much in their face and calling a lot it can scare a person off. It's hard to judge friendships with NT's even for NT's because NT's are great at being able to have a bunch of what I call "fake" friendships - like on Facebook (which is why I'm not on FB). Also for me, the less I see of a person (and I know this is opposite with Aspies's) then that person doesn't mean as much to me. Some Aspies say that they have friends and they haven't talked to them in a year. Not me. My Aspie friends that I talk to and text often I feel a closeness, but the longer the texts go so do my feelings go.

And if you're dating an NT and they stop saying the "I love you", the relationship is going south. I know it's the opposite of Aspies. It may not make sense, but when an NT says it, say it back.

Firefly? Finally got around to watching it this month.

Yes thank you for someone understanding my reference. It's very sad how fox has cancelled shows like that which had such great potential. Have you seen the movie yet? It's not the world's greatest closure, but its closure.

Commander: actually I haven't watched the movie yet...been meaning to, but just haven't gotten around to it haha.

NurseAngela: sorry for derailing your thread.

Shouldn't look at it as derailing the thread, but instead introducing the chance to observe two native neurodiverse individuals in their natural habitat conversing

An After all, I aim to misbehave (think that might have been a quote from the movie, can't remember off the top of my head. Something to look out for whenever you do see it though)

Assume that I meant something other than what I said, because of supposed subtext and shading of meaning.

Assuming that I feel other than the way I say I feel, because they think they can read my body language and facial expressions better than I can read my own heart mind and soul.

Assuming that I know I did or said something stupid or offensive and should just **know** how to **fix it** when I actually have no idea that I even hurt their feelings.

etc.