Greeting problem/confusion

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I just want to share a few situations that have to do with greeting and where I have problems or am confused about. I would like to know if you have made the same experiences or if you know how to solve the problem or explain it to me, so that I am less confused.

I am often told that I don't greet people and am rude because of this. I think my confusion or problem here is divided in two parts:

1. When I enter a room with people who already talk to each other I will probably rather be quiet because I don't know when it's the right moment to interrupt their conversation. I don't want to interrupt them and tend to wait for the „right“ moment, but because I can never really decide when this moment has come, I don't say anything. In this case it often helps when someone of the group of people who already were in the room says „Hello“ first. That means for me that the person won't feel interrupted when I say something now. I am glad that I finally am so confident to say „Hello“ first every morning when I come into the classroom. I have seen my class mates doing it like that very often and I just copy what they are doing. They greet back and then continue their conversation. Maybe they can switch easier between those two than me? For me it is difficult to do that, talking to someone, greeting, going back to the conversation.

2. I am often deep in thoughts and sometimes don't even realise that I walk by a person I know, for example when I walk through the town. But when the person greets, I will mostly greet back. The problem is that I sometimes need such a long time to change from my „thought mode“ to my „outside world mode“ that the person is already too far away when I realize that I should have said something. Furthermore I am sometimes annoyed that someone interrupted my thoughts and I have forgotten an idea I just had because of that. Although I know you shouldn't do that (thinking that everyone is like you), I also often assume that people might also have many thoughts during walks and might not want to be interrupted, so I am always in doubt if I should greet them or not. As I wrote at 1., it also helps here when the other person greets first. I mean, I TRY to be friendly, but my confusion sometimes makes it hard because I always have to think about the fact that not everyone is disturbed by being greeted like I sometimes am and instead likes to be greeted and thinks about it as friendly. Ironically I sometimes enjoy being greeted, but only when I am in the right mood and like the person. I think that I should think of those moments more often and keep in mind that others might feel the same when they are greeted. It is really confusing to me, that whole stuff.

Something else that I don't really understand is the following situation:
I live in a house with another family, so it is very likely to meet one of them. Once I sat outside in front of the house and read a book. Then someone of the other family came out of the front door. She saw me, it was obvious that I was doing something and nevertheless she interrupted me and said „Hello“. She didn't want to say something else that could have been important, she just interrupted my reading process for that word. Why does she do that? In my opinion it is friendlier to let people do what they are doing when I see that they are concentrated on it instead of disturbing them.

Oh, I really know what you mean about needing time to go between "thought mode" and "outside world" mode. It takes a long to to switch back and forth, and NTs just don't seem to get it. Sometimes people say things to me, and I just respond on "autopilot mode" and mostly keep in my train of though. The major downside to that is I usually instantly forget what they said, or even that I said anything, this can be annoying to people sometimes though.

Basically people like that just have a social program and don't see anything wrong with interrupting people by saying hello because that's generally acceptable behavior for NTs. They could also be trying to "get you out of you shell" by being friendly like that when they see you alone deep in thought. Also, depending on how well they know you they might take not getting a greeting back wrong, idk.

Ugh, why is this simple social mechanic complected to write about when you try to think of the details. An in depth discussion on "hello" is kinda funny actually, but it's important to figure this stuff out because we're so awkward with these weird social constructs sometimes.

No one else has anything to say??

Yes, I also sometimes do that. But often I just say "Sorry, what did you say?", even when I have heard what the person said. But the repetition helps me to think of an answer based on what I understood the first time and I have more time to change between my two modes.


The "Get me out of my shell" theory seems to make sense to me. It fits to another comment I often get:"You are so quiet, is everything okay? Don't you want to say something?" I agree that people who know me might take it wrong when I don't greet them. I think that's actually the reason why they think I am rude. They just take it as not nice and don't understand that it might just because I am too busy with my thoughts at the moment or have other reasons than just wanting to ignore them and be unfriendly all the time.


I agree with you. It's important to figure those things out. Because of this I started that topic. I like to learn about those things and I also think that discussing those topics can be funny and interesting, too in my opinion.


Maybe my post was too long and so not that much people read the whole post which could lead to not posting an answer. But nevertheless I would be interested in more answers.

If they see someone they know they say "Hello" even if they have nothing else to say. It's their ritual(yes, they have rituals too), no deep meaning in it, other than saying they acknowledged familiar presence. Just say "Hello" and don't worry about anything else.

1.
It's actually an easy thing once you get used to it. When you see familiar people you say "Hello" no matter what they do. Saying "Hello" doesn't mean you ask them to answer you. You only let them know you are there and you realized they are there too.
If they are really busy they will answer automatically, look at you and nod or ignore you - so don't worry about you interrupting them. They have a lot of methods to answer without breaking their focus.
Even I started to answer back automatically after getting used to the "Hello ritual". I only delay answering back if I am really busy and deep in my thoughts but even then I try to collect my thoughts as fast as I can and huff: "Oh.. right... Hello, Hello." eventually.

2.
Not saying "Hello" to people you know in random places can be seen as rude to some people and it is hard to do something about it if the people won't tell you you did that (you probably do it more often than you realize) but in case they mention it is easily explainable by "I was deep in my thoughts and not paying attention so I couldn't see you. Sorry about that.". It happens to everyone so they will understand.
It might help if you tell a few people that you have prosopagnosia/don't remember faces. This is quite common condition (2-3% people have it) and it explains why you "don't see" people you know when they pass you in places where you don't expect to see them. They will be more understanding when you miss them next time.

Don't worry about breaking their thoughts when you actually see them and wonder if you should say "Hello". If you see someone familiar you just follow the "Hello ritual" and move on. Dealing with their streak of thoughts is their problem, not yours. All you need to do is following their ritual because they consider not following their rituals rude in opposite to breaking their potential streak of thoughts. It's a matter of priorities - rituals are more important than focus to them.

I thought I WAS exactly like that as a teen. But this thread made me think and realize that at heart I'm still the same, just with more brain fog.

Anyway, I also have trouble with greeting. I'm never sure if or when to greet.
I have vision problems so I can't see people's faces from far away, I don't know how they look since I can't see their face. I don't want to greet faceless people.
But the ritual thing seems sensible. Often I don't even feel like greeting anyone but just saying hello without reasoning is ok. Need to keep that in mind. Very useful, thanks.
Next thing to do is use the right tone of voice and body language, oh boy... do you have any problems with that? How do you do it? I usually sound like a 12-year old when I greet people.

I wonder if my dad had an impact on my development socially, he's very reserved and thoughtful and doesn't like getting interrupted during his activities either...

Okay, I am going to try that.


You mean it's just a kind of warning like "Don't be afraid, you know me, I am here and I am not dangerous. I have seen you, too and I won't harm you"?


Seeing it just as a ritual seems to make sense to me. But what about that: "... or ignore you"? They might ignore me, but I should never ignore them? How is that "busy" defined that allows someone not to answer? But I guess I should stop thinking about that first and just try greeting everyone at the beginning before I think about those details. It's probably better to greet too much than too less, so I fulfil the ritual as often as possible and get used to it like you.


Thank you for those ideas. I know that both (not paying attention and "not seeing" people) sometimes happens to me, so I could try to explain it next time and apologize.


Thank you for all those interesting thoughts and explanations.


How old are you now?


I am short-sighted, but I wear glasses, so I should be able to see their faces from the distance that is normal except when I need new glasses because my vision became worse.


I often forget to smile. But when I look at the other person's face and see that the person is smiling I usually remember that. But I still sometimes don't even really concentrate on their faces and talk more to the general direction where the person stands. I don't know how I really sound, but as people often judge my age younger than I am, I guess that "sound like a 12-year old" could be something that influences their judgement. Last time someone guessed my age he told me he thought I would be 15 years old (I am 21). Furthermore I seem to either mumble a lot and talk not loud enough or speak too loud.

I've had that happen at school.
I can pay attention, think and even understand how something is done, but then when it comes time to do it ... nothing!
Part of it might be social anxiety/fear.


I'm like that.
Sometimes I wait minutes, and ohhh the agony!! !


I smile a lot ... sometimes I smile even when I'm unhappy! XD


That happens with me every once in a while. I think it has to do with anxiety and fear of being judged. You talk softly so not as many people can hear you (or unfortunately, sometimes nobody can hear you), therefore you aren't making yourself as vulnerable to being noticed.
Notice me, senpai!

-Ben