Would you do this to a friend?

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One of my best friends has been planning on moving out of state for months. She never told me; one of her relatives mentioned it to me, thinking I already knew. I asked her if this was true, thinking she certainly would have told me something so big (she's lived with her parents her whole life). When I asked her about it she paused for a long time, and then said "Yeah it's true." I asked if she was going to move soon, and she said "I hope so. I want to get out of this area". I asked why she never told me, and she said she thought it was unnecessary. Then, she started to go on about how mad she was at the relative who told me, and got upset that I asked her about it. I tried to explain it hurt my feelings, and I even went so far as to say I felt like maybe she didn't care about our friendship. She totally sidestepped that, and just started talking about how mad she was at her relative again. I found out, not only was she not telling me, but she was keeping it a secret from me, trying to avoid me finding out. She wouldn't even explain why, except that it wasn't "public" information yet (but she had no reason for it to not be public, except she said she wasn't going to mention it until right before she moved). She even got into an argument with the relative who told me, then acted like it was my fault!

It's not like we hardly know each other. We see each other twice a week on average, go over to each other's houses all the time, share stuff... I've known her for years. I just don't get it. And I decided to let her reach out to me, and she hasn't (which is kind of typical for her).


Someone told me before she has aspergers, but that's certainly no excuse for this kind of thing. I know a lot of people with aspergers from groups I've been to, friends, and family members with it. I might have it. But none of them act so thoughtless and mean. I'm starting to think she may be schizoid. She's really secretive in general, and she acts annoyed when I ask her pretty much anything even remotely personal (including, "how was your day?"). She can also be "robotic" and seems to hate emotions. It's not just me, she is like this with everyone. I'm actually pretty sure I'm her only friend, and she doesn't seem to care whether she has any friends or not. I generally have to initiate get-togethers. She acts like she cares about me and supports me with personal problems, but then she does stuff like this...

I don't want to completely cut her off. But I'm almost glad if she does move, because I'm sick of this kind of thing from her, and I feel like a long-distance friendship may be better. But until she moves, what should I do? Should I just not talk to her for awhile, and risk our friendship? I still care about her, and we've been through a lot together... But I feel exhausted by her, and just don't want to face right now.

I *have* done this to friends. It's one reason I don't have many.

It's not about you, it's about her. You are concerned and want to maintain the friendship, and she clearly has other urgent priorities that she is either unable or unwilling to share.

There is nothing you can do or not do that will fix this. If the friendship is over, it's not because of you. If it continues, it will be because she did something that hurt you, and you chose to forgive her. If it ends, it will be because she needed, for her own reasons, to move on - or because YOU decided to do the same (and you have that right).

I know it hurts, but please don't hurt yourself even worse by trying to imagine what you could possibly have done differently. There is a lot more going on in her life than you or anyone else can imagine, and it's likely that she cannot even begin to understand what is actually happening to her, let alone describe it accurately to another person.

I've had friends do this to me, also. It is painful and confusing, but you can make new friends and sometimes reconcile with old ones, even after something like this.

You have kept it a secret you were moving and got mad when a friend asked you about it? Or just something similar?

If I'd known she was moving, I would have been sad of course, because we hang out all of the time. But, what really hurt me was that she got upset with me for asking about it, and acted like she didn't care if our friendship ended or not. I told her, she could reach out to me. I don't feel like being the one to do it right now. She hasn't though, and it's been awhile now...

I keep feeling guilty, like I did something wrong. I always end up feeling this way with her. Until I end up apologizing, even though she hurt my feelings, and then she "accepts" me back into her life.

I have such a hard time trusting people because of these kinds of incidents. She was one of the only people I really trusted. I feel like giving up on people altogether.

Something similar, on more than one occasion. I had no concept at the time that this would hurt the other person, because for some reason I could not conceive of myself as a real presence in the lives of others. I thought that if I just went away, they'd forget about me instantly (out of sight, out of mind). I was confused by expressed feelings of hurt or abandonment, and I assumed that they were protesting for form's sake only. It stings now that I could have behaved in such a hurtful way, of course.

It is natural and understandable that you would be hurt under these circumstances. The feelings and thoughts you're expressing are actually commonly expressed by people who have been or are currently in an abusive relationship with one or more other people. However, YOU aren't making the other person behave in this way, and although the feelings of guilt are both common and very natural, they are essential self harming as well.

Please take it on faith for now, that there are good people who can befriend you and treat you with respect and understanding, even if up until now you have had some god-awful luck in that arena. Again, I know that is hard, but generalizing based on the cards you have been dealt to date, would be a tragic mistake.

Thanks for the advice. I will try to do what you say, and "take it on faith" that I will make new friends. I do have other friends as well who are very kind and supportive, it's just that I spent more time with her than all my other friends combined, mostly because of distance.

She isn't a bad person, but she can be cold. She never apologizes, even when she knows she's hurt another person's feelings. I think she's like you were, and does not see herself as being that important to me. She doesn't seem to understand why she hurts my feelings, even when I do my best to explain. Despite this I hope we can remain friends, though I'd like some other friends as well.

Thanks for the reply.