"I probably won't call you because I have a boyfriend.&

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I get along with girls better than with guys, so I often try to be friends with girls more often. The problem is a lot of girls have easily-jealous boyfriends, and even if my interest is merely platonic, a lot of girls seem very reluctant to call me--and really none ever do. Three times this year now I've tried giving a potential friend my number, but hear her say that she probably won't call because it would bother her boyfriend.

I'm never quite sure what to do about that...does anyone else have this problem?

(On the bright side, at least they're honest. I can't stand it when people insist that they will call me, then never do.)

That's some bad luck picking three girls who already have boyfriends (or so they tell you) - you should immediately ask a potential friend if she has a boyfriend so you can decide whether you want to take the risk.

I wonder how did they got their boyfriends if they refuse to take your number just becuase you're male... <_<
That's nonsense.
And what if girl is bisexual? She won't call anyone just because it would bother her boyfriend?

I think females use bf as excuse in some cases. I mean, they don't like you but they don't want to hurt you so they lie about having boyfriend. But i never heard about anything like that when giving someone a phone number... XD

This is normal behavior for the girls. Look if you are a young person you cannot expect to be friends with someone of the opposite sex who is in a relationship. Males don't like sharing their females and that is what the girls are trying to get through to you. They can't be your "friend" because their boyfriend will get jealous and think she is cheating on him or you are trying to steal her. Some of those guys may physically abuse their girl if they suspect she is seeing another guy. So the girl doesn't want to get the s**t beat out of her or lose her boyfriend if he is a nice guy. By trying to insist on females being friends with you, you are putting yourself at great personal risk where some jealous boyfriend who is the violent type may try to harm you. I've not seen an Aspie guy yet that could fight his way out of a paper bag so watch yourself!

You need to make friends with other males. You will actually gain respect with women if you act like a normal guy and have other guy friends.

Everyone has this problem? Why? Because it isn't socially acceptable. If a girl has a boyfriend it is very very rude of her do go off galavanting and hanging around another boy. (unless of course, it was a group outing.. not just the two of you) It's not about the boyfriend being jealous - ANYONE would feel the same:

Married members... if some single dude went and took your wife out to the movies... how would you feel? It just isn't done.

My advice: Try and make some guy freinds.

Adult life is not like childhood. Different rules apply because of the dating game. You can't get away with things you could when you were younger like hanging out one on one with a taken girl.

This has always frustrated me:"that's just the way it is","you will gain respect..if you act normal".

I'm a grown man and always had female friends,completely platonic(as well as male friends).I have never been unfaithful in a relationship,and I am not a flirt.My wife always had close platonic male friends.When we became a couple,my female friends disappeared,my wife became more posessive,and other people understood this more than I did.It was accepted,even encouraged.

There aren't many people I bond with enough to consider a real friend,and I appreciate those I do bond with,regardless of their gender,culture,age,ethnicity,etc..If a person is not trustworthy,prone to infidelity,either I should accept that from the start or I shouldn't be in a relationship with them.If a friend is involved with things that could threaten my relationship,I shouldn't spend time with them.

Of course,the other partner should be fully aware of the nature of any friendship,all involved should be honest and open,and some sorts of sharing are inappropriate between friends when the friends are in relationships.It's a matter of honor and respect.I have no problem with any of that at all.But I think that status quo adulthood should not rob people of their basic human joys,like the chance to have friends.

A movie,museum,lunch,conversation..what is the harm if I know and trust the friend?

If my wife has a male friend,who I know well and trust,and they want to see a movie together,why not?If they want to go do something innocent that I can't or don't want to,why not?If they are both honest an open,and the nature of their frienship is mutual and innocent,why should I feel threatened?

I say this with respect to your opinions,hale bopp and Ticker,and I realize I'm idealistic.I may feel different if,for instance,tomorrow my wife introduced a new male friend into her life.I am only speaking with experience from my past and my ideals.I just dislike the idea of spouses/partners being reduced to "territory".For whatever reasons,it strikes me as degrading.

What do you think?Thoughts?

Whatever... but think of it in your shoes. What would you think if your wife was spending a lot of time one on one with another man all the time? Would you like that? You aren't children anymore. You may not want to act the norm, but for god sake respect other peoples feelings - which hanging out with a lady that has a boyfriend is certainly NOT doing.

It may be innocent, but it isn't really acceptable because of the rudeness. I don't care if you want to change the way it is.. what kind of person does that make you? Making people unhappy because you want female friends that have boyfriends?

You don't need to judge me("what kind of person does that make you?").I like to think I have been a caring,thoughtful,faithful husband for the last fifteen years.I have willingly compromised for the stability of our marriage,without regret.I do not feel totally cheated by the tradition of marriage.I have never fought for a friendship that would threaten our marriage.I would not consent to anything that I felt made someone unhappy.I do not encourage anyone to be dishonest or to make their partner unhappy.

I presented my perspective and was hoping to open dialogue about this.I already said how I have felt in the past,and how I might feel in the present.Actually,for the first several years of our marriage,my wife did spend lots of time one-on-one with a male friend and I did not feel any threat from their friendship whatsoever.Maybe I would with another man,and we would need to discuss the matter respectfully.And,I admit,I may be shockingly naive.It is possible.

No people can't just do anything they wish in a relationship,but isn't it healthy to try to understand and accommodate what our partners need and want,if they are not a real threat?

Again,I was posing questions related to my experience,and hoping to open dialogue and stimulate thought.I tend to question most things that are "just the way things are",so this is not the only social/cultural fundamental that sometimes perplexes me.I have feelings,but not "the answers" for everybody.

It is entirely possible that we have differing definitions of "friend",and that we both have baggage speaking.And I realize I may be talking about a different age-group,generation,and degree of life experience.I say that to you with respect.

Last edited by methinks on 04 May 2007, 9:31 am, edited 1 time in total.

I agree with methinks.

I wouldn't care if someone whom I loved had friends whom were of the opposite sex; that’s the whole point of “love” isn’t it? Something that transcends simple physical attraction…something that, uh…places the word virtue into view for all to see, for all to feel, for all to fall and fail before its true and unwavering faith (the “real” type).

But then, I’m just a big kid who’s ignorant of love and everything it entails….

1. How do you know they are being honest ? They may think you are a total idiot and do not want to see you again, but they mention boyfriend so they do not hurt your feelings by telling you this. That is the sort of honesty i can respect, but you will rarely get it from NT.

2. Do not give them your number. Get theirs. Give them a pen & paper and tell them to write it down (you can give them yours in return). Or give them your mobile an tell them to type their number in (that way you can ring it immediately to test if it is a fake number or not.)

3. When they mention boyfriend, they are testing you. Your default reply should be, "you don't have to tell your boyfriend", or "i was not asking to marry you", or something along them lines.

Women get hit on all the time (especially good looking ones). Mentioning boyfriends sorts out the wussies from the alpha males.

Lesson over. You usually have to pay for that sort of advice.

Demanding a woman's number then calling it will get you labeled a stalker. If a woman want's you to call her she will give you her number. Women generally like to talk a lot so if they don't offer you their number take it as a hint they don't want to talk to you.

Some of the gals may be saying they have a BF in hopes of scaring you off. Are you sure you aren't just being a pest to women who really don't want to talk to you?

Like it or not you are an adult and have to behave by adult rules. You should respect other people's relationships. Look most people feel they barely have any time with their spouse or partner because of working so much, going to college, family obligations and maybe even being a single parent. So when someone does have some free time they generally want to spend it with their spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend if they have one. That is the way life is.

You need to make friends with other guys. I am telling you the truth women think that guys who hang out with women are either gay or defective and not a good choice for dating. If you must hang out with females for some weird reason then just hang out with the single ones. And don't tell me there aren't any singles. Recent surverys state that more women are single than taken in the US.

You got the rule book

so what? labels are for T-shirts

you have a better chance if you ask.

Guys are cool to have has friends too.
But your second statement here is not truth at all.
A good female wing woman can be great.
Also it is not a bad thing for women to think you are gay. In fact, they may hit on you because of that.
How many times have you been hit on?

edit: sorry i just read from you profile you are female
it explains your post.

Twice in the past three days, plus have an avid stalker at work. I don't know how many times total in my life probably several hundred or thousand. Guys generally like me. But then again most guys are too stupid to take the hint when a woman isn't interested.