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Aut2Know
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11 Dec 2015, 12:37 pm

Hello, all. New to my self-diagnosis. Tell me if any of you have developed any weirdly overly analytical social coping mechanisms. I'm discovering I do wayyyyyyyyy more thinking, cross-analyzing, intellectualizing practically everything than everyone I've always thought were probably doing the same thing, just to less extremes. Some examples

Navigating random social encounters can be very tough, ESPECIALLY when there is some hierarchy your success is dependent upon recognizing. For people like me that can be really difficult, as we can have our own ideas of value as people. Values that have to do more with open-mindedness, intelligence, and most importantly (for me) individuality. This can already be problematic as many bosses or people I'm expected to respect socially are people I can't bring myself to respect.


Ive discovered a few ways to avoid social pitfalls while being an individual and not compromising our my values:


1. Have preset greetings/reachouts so to speak. These are things you can say in almost any given situation to a person that, if practiced well enough, can typically always provoke a positive response. I've discovered people are teetering on a balance of wanting to see you are socially beneficial to have as an associate/accomplice/friend but also that you lack the "awareness" of these strong skills. Knowing you are very effective in many situations (maybe not social) and are aware of it can be intimating for people. They want to feel they also have some degree of power or control over you and if you prove to them you are completely competent and content on your own that takes away a lot of that potential power or 'pull' over you.


2. Find things in them you genuinely admire. You would be amazed how even just asking what they like to do or subtle questions about success (have you gone to school, etc) will get people talking about themselves quite quickly, especially if you seem interested. I find if I can find something about the person I respect it makes it 10 times easier and objectively makes me better at making them feel like they are important to me. I have a hard time kissing ass, so this was a big one.


3. Share the conversation. Don't let them run everything. If you exercise some degree of confidence people will see that as a socially beneficial trait to them, as long as it doesn't teeter on arrogance. I've learned acting confident but not ever saying why or showing that you actually think your special can go very far in earning somebody elses respect. The perfect impression to give is "I'm incredibly competent and intelligent and I have social confidence to at least carry myself (necessary to look good socially) but I don't actively think I am incredibly confident or intelligence. Especially compared to you (that last part is important)." Essentially people want to feel that you are confident enough to stand up for them and be very effective in doing so, but they want you to think they are admirable and 'powerful' enough to ensure respect and loyalty from you, which mostly comes from them reading that you find them better than you in ways. They want to know you are "cool" to others but are yourself fairly unaware of this and thus would never think to overstep or outrank them. (I compromise by letting them know they are better in ways I know they care about tho I probably don't)


One of the most interesting things I've come to find is that people really don't care THAT much to share strong emotional moments with you but subconsciously think quite logically and selfishingly when it comes to ensuring social survival. A lot of people have very few skills besides social skills and float by on that, but those same people can be forgotten about, bullied, ostracized for not providing any observable benefit besides "having a fun time" socially


You really need to find your skills that you can offer others, and learn ways to present it so that you don't step on any toes in advertising your skills. This can be one of the most difficult aspects, as "selling yourself" is a lot more complex of a game than just showing what strong skills you possess. People tend to view this as self obsessed, although I would argue that they are just as self-obsessed, but rather they use social means to get what they want and to get self-satisfaction. And being dependent socially for self-satisfaction is a thing people can exploit and relatively easily, so it makes them feel comfortable and they do it

Anybody else adopt any of these mindsets for socializing, at least with people they aren't very comfortable around? Or people they know they have to please to succeed in their goals?



Outrider
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12 Dec 2015, 1:50 am

I'll keep this brief in that saying I relate to everything you have said and share said mindsets that you do.

I also personaly self-research psychology and philosophy which has had an influence on my interactions with others and thoughts.



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13 Dec 2015, 8:13 am

Aut2Know wrote:

2. Find things in them you genuinely admire. You would be amazed how even just asking what they like to do or subtle questions about success (have you gone to school, etc) will get people talking about themselves quite quickly, especially if you seem interested. I find if I can find something about the person I respect it makes it 10 times easier and objectively makes me better at making them feel like they are important to me. I have a hard time kissing ass, so this was a big one.


Yes, giving a person an honest compliment works wonders. A fake compliment just makes things awkward.


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Spiderpig
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13 Dec 2015, 8:38 am

If there's something I hate, it's others having control over me.


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Kyle Katarn
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13 Dec 2015, 8:53 am

Yeah but in life others always have control of you. If you're an employee, the boss has control over you. You don't have a choice.



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13 Dec 2015, 10:43 am

So better keep the number of controllers at a minimum, rather than help them proliferate.


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Kyle Katarn
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14 Dec 2015, 1:30 pm

You seem quite sad and I totally understand you. I'm also in pain from chronic isolation.