The "how are you" question again

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Getting sick of people asking me this near constantly for no reason ( checkout clerks, I'm looking at you) and never having any reliable, not-awkward answer, I decided to try focusing on the physical since that's what I'm best at.
The checkout clerk looks up and says "and how are you?" Like she has the last 800 people and I reply with something about the physical effects of the weather - "cold," "hot / sticky," or some variation thereof, consciously remembering to smile. This usually provokes her to say something like "yeah it's been so cold / hot out all day today" and that's the end of it. You completely get away with it.

I never know what to say, either. From what I've noticed, people always say "Good, good", or "Fine, you?" or they make a silly joke. I usually say something like, "tired", "cold", "hot", "sick", or if I'm actually doing well, I'll say "good."

Usually what I say comes out sounding awkward. I can guess by others' reactions when I've said something that seemed odd to them. I'm really good at reading emotions and facial expressions, so I always know. That means that I often feel like a doofus. People will laugh, somewhat uncomfortably, at something I've said even though it wasn't meant to be funny. Or there's a pause before they say something, and they seem taken aback somewhat. I get all the cues that I am not doing what's expected, but can't figure out how to do what's expected.

Mentioning the weather is always good though, as you said. People love to talk about the weather. It's like the NT secret code that let's them know who's part of the group. So I can say "Oh, I'm a little bit hot, the sun is really shining today," or "I'm still freezing from being outside, it's been so cold all day."

I said something completely honest that totally threw off a cashier a couple of days ago. It wasn't a bad or inappropriate thing to say, but very blunt. She was obviously surprised but thought I was funny. I guess I was trying to be somewhat funny, but didn't realize that it was not something I should have said. So there is one more person that thinks I'm weird, haha.

You are just supposed to say "fine" or something similarly generic when random strangers ask you that question. They don't actually care how you are doing and are just following a social script.

Even if I say "fine" it comes out wrong. I sound miserable or angry. I have to act unnaturally cheerful to not seem miserable to people. Then if I'm too tired or not feeling well, I overdo the "cheerful" act, and creep people out, lol. Apparently there's a fine line between "cheerful" and "mentally unbalanced".

I'm aware of that but I have autism-related problems with it - one, alexithymia. I don't actually know what "fine" means or what it feels like. I may well be "fine" at that moment, but I'd be the last person able to identify it if I was. Secondly, because I would interpret claiming to be in a state I didn't understand as untrue, and am apparently pathologically incapable of lying, I can't actually being myself to say it. That why I was looking for a way out of this stupid conundrum that is both accepted by normal society and understandable to me - commenting on a benign physical state such as hot or cold pertaining to the weather works a charm - I thought I'd share.

I don't have a problem saying fine or good even if I'm not feeling particularly fine or good.

For those who struggle with the placation answer if you think it's lying, how about just answering the question with the same question? We know that they don't really care how you feel.

Them: "How are you?"
You: "How are YOU?"


Try it out and let us know.

I don't find things difficult in this kind of context where it's obviously a "pleasentary".
Where I can get confused is being asked this by someone I known...

Most people secretly cherish honesty and authenticity. So if you don't feel good, I'd just say so. Something like "Ugh, horrible day. How are you?" or "Sucky... but ya know.. life. You?" If they ask more, you can be like "Just life.". It won't be too awkward if you chuckle a bit after saying it. I think. I hope.

You don't have to answer something fake. They may be a little surprised by your answer, but many will appreciate refreshing honesty.


(My usual answer is "Great! ....how about yourself?")

Try this the next time a stranger asks how you're doing:

"Well, my IBS is really acting up today! My intestines are churning more than a river at flood stage, and I'm letting off gas like a ruptured propane tank!"

I find if you answer that question with complete negativity people instantly lose interest.

That's what I say & it seems to work.

It helps if you stop thinking of it as a question. It kind of isn't. You just give some indication you're doing ok, even if you're not. Then reciprocate.

"How are you?"

"Doing alright. Yourself?"

That's pretty much it. If it's a friend or close acquaintance you can be a little more honest as moonagedaydreamer suggests, but you still don't go right into detail about it and you still ask the other person how they are doing.

There's a reason this question exists, but it's not intuitive to someone autistic and it's not something an NT is likely to consciously think about.

You've talked about problems trying to answer the "how are you" question, but do you have problems trying to ask "how are you" or other questions like that?

There's a phrase you can use in the North of England to reply: "Fair to middlin'" - which is actually code for f*****g awful, but nobody finds it offensive. I use fair to middlin' quite a lot, though sometimes I tell them the truth.

"mustn't grumble" is another stock reply