I 24 y/o with PDD and often feel lost with my friends. I know that many people use social cues to let others know if they are annoyed or glad and stuff like that. But I usually don't understand them. I can usually figure out if they are using body language to communicate with me, but I get frustrated because I can't understand them a lot of the time.
I am able to mimic their behavior, so even though they know my struggles, they get upset with me for being rude. I try so hard to understand what is a rude voice and rude body language, but I often get the different ones confused. It is even harder when I have a lot of other things going on around me. So one day, I am able to pick up on that stuff, but another day I can't figure out the same things. My friends, and even my doctors, think that I am just faking the fact that I didn't understand just because I was able to understand before.
This whole thing makes me feel so scared to talk to anyone or go anywhere because my acquaintences think I don't have many problems understanding since I mimic so much and my friends get offended all the time. I don't want to hurt them, but even when they try to explain things to me, they do it as though it should be so easy and are rarely sensitive to the fact that I am not faking anything. I used to be a lot better, but I keep withdrawing from everyone becasue I am scared that I will hurt my friends and the people in my community who think I am so smart and creative, will start to think I am crazy or a liar. Then I would loose my job and everything.
I try so hard sometimes to understand, but it is exhausting and I feel alone. This place is rumorville and if I talk to too many people here and they see how hard it really is for me to understand what they are saying with their tone and body, that will spread. I am just plain scared and sometimes even a little paranoid because people don't flat- out tell me what they think. I am just supposed to know.
Some people tell me I don't need to mimic social skills around them, but the truth is, I am so focused on understanding the world around me so I can cope in the world that I don't know who I really am right now. I cry a lot because I don't understand when people think I do so I cant ask for help. Am I alone in this? Am I stupid? Why can't I understand and why is it so easy for them? How do I remember all the social 'rules' I have learned and still try to learn more. Why do I have to be the one to change all the time? Why won't they learn my body language? I have to learn theirs, but they dont want to hear about mine. I have to change my whole brain, but not them? Why do I have to be labeled 'disabled?' Why am I the problem and why do I need to be cured???? It all makes me feel stupid, alone and less important or useful than everybody else. It feels like it is all a huge double standard and I just don't understand.
I want people to try speaking my language for once so I can have a conversation without feeling like I am always on eggshells and could say the wrong thing at any given moment. Anyone else understand? How do you deal?
Thanks.
30 Jan 2016, 10:13 pm
