06 Feb 2016, 11:02 pm
i used to have no social skills
then i traveled and experienced more accepting, communal, cultures and i grew a lot and ended up having a reputation as an outgoing person, which confused me.
but throughout that time i would still swing from lots of social interaction to avoiding people, like a pendulum, and
i am on the extreme end of avoiding people right now, i have no social confidence and expect the worst after some very negative experiences.
so while i understand that i am in need of an extended "recharge" to finish processing the intense and negative experiences, i also crave human contact, friendship, and companionship so f*****g much because when i had that in my life in the past it was the sweetest thing. i miss romantic intimacy too but
as it is i feel like i have regressed socially, i can't go out, i can't keep up with the pace of normal social interaction. i feel like i cant relate anymore. i can't connect. i can't do anything. my ability to read faces improved during the negative experiences, out of necessity, and this has made things worse because now i see emotions in people's faces and it's more overwhelming and i am still too slow to react, and i end up feeling more overloaded and then need to isolate myself more.
how do i bridge where i am at right now and what i want to experience? can i? am i trapped here? i feel like the pendulum got stuck and i'm afraid it will never swing back, and i will never be able to connect with other people that i like and want to connect with ever again. like i got broken by the negative experiences.
