NT woman "friend" or frenemy?

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My husband is BFF with a man who is married to a woman that quite honestly, is not nice to me behind her husband's back. Both husbands work together and $$ there is a lot at stake.

Over the last 12 years, she has not taken the time to get to know me. I wonder if some of my PDD-NOS behaviors is off-putting or she sees me as weird. This would not be the first time a NT female has been mean to me.

Recently, having been invited to a FB private/secret group, I noticed how she categorized me in her friend's list. I am not a friend, but "other". Which makes sense as to why I never saw photos, posts, or such on my newsfeed.

She used to text me back often if I asked a question. I do not abuse texting and maybe 3-4 times a year text her.

Now in the last few months, during 2 texts, she now does not text me back.

Instead, I will hear back from her husband an answer like the old telephone game of childhood. Or he will call my husband to answer a simple NT text: potluck or illness. Which is odd.

Should I use this as confirmation that she does not like me one bit? Husband wants to confront her for the other times over the years she has treated me badly. I say no. Leave it alone. Just because both men are BFFs does not mean the wives have to be friends. Am I wrong?

Yeah I would say either leave it alone, or make a friendly offer like lunch, but don't press the issue as it could cause a big rift

I would meet her lunch and not really confront her but rather ask her if you do things that bother her. You could also give her some information about Asperger's Syndrome/ autism. Maybe also drop her a hint, "I am sorry that you can't seem to be upfront with me" or "I am sorry that you have an issue communicating with me." It sounds like protecting yourself first is the a step to think about taking.

I'd be careful with those hints. If the NT woman in question is as nasty as described, here's how she might react:

OP: "I am sorry that you can't seem to be upfront with me."

NT: "Excuse me, what are you talking about? Just what is it that you're claiming I'm not upfront about? Sounds to me like you're imagining things."

or

OP: "I am sorry that you have an issue communicating with me."

NT: "Sounds like you have things backwards. I have no problem at all communicating with you. I'm just too busy to be friends. (fake smile) Anyways, we're here now. What would YOU like to talk about?"

IMHO, dealing with this woman who has shown herself allergic to dealing with you would be like picking up and handling a rattlesnake.

...

That sums up my feelings exactly.

Look, I realize my PDD-NOS personality is unusual and it can socially be awkward. But I do not deliberately go out of my way to antagonize others. There are times where the tension is heavy in the air between us both in front of fellow employees - ironically both of our husbands are in charge and us wives head up social events. I defer to the BFF's wife in that aspect and allow her to take charge as it makes her happy. There have been times in the past where she took exception to my hosting an event or got to know one of the employees better. The couple likes to be in charge and do not like it when they see others being in control. So husband and I defer to that and do our own thing as we are not truly social party creatures.

How do I handle a quip or veiled insult from her? She never is obviously mean and hides behind a personality that seems innocent and puritanical. But from her filter of the world, she gets easily offended by others who do not share her POV of the world as she deems it. I tend to be the opposite and perhaps this is offensive to her sensibilities?

She just sounds like a mean, catty woman.
I know the type.
That's why I was able to describe it.
I'm sorry you have to work with someone like that.
I would simply act in "polite business professional mode" around her
during working hours,
and that's it.

She sounds like a nasty, stuck-up, manipulative person. The subtle insults seem to be the preferred method of being a b**** for those types.

She is letting you know, without telling you, that she doesn't like you. Ignore the subtle insults, smile and thank her. Be as fake as she is. She'll know that you know she's insulting you. But since you are thanking her sweetly, she can't say anything negative about you. Basically you'd be using her own tactics against her.

Otherwise, don't make contact with her unless absolutely necessary.

Yeah but you it sounds like she going to respond like that because it's the way she is along with getting upset that you called her out. There is a time and place for standing up for yourself and it sounds like that. If you lips off, you might tell her "Well I am sorry that you feel that way."

Last edited by Summer_Twilight on 07 Feb 2016, 3:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Try to have as little to do with this woman as possible. Her behavior is fickle. She sounds like a shady character. Just because your husband is friends with her husband doesn't mean that you have to force yourself to hang out with someone who is going to act like this.

She sounds arrogant, shallow minded and self centered and if you don't fit into her perfect mold then look out. As I read more into this I would steer clear of her as much as possible. Do you have friends of your own?

I'm not the social type. I have 1-2 very close friends, but that is it.

It just confuses me on how to act with an individual like this. Baffling. I do not get why she is so nice to me and horrid behind my back. But what can you do? I finally took all of your advice and sat down with my husband. He finally got to see it from my POV and supported me with steering clear of her.