Still Can't Figure This Friend This Out

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Like most people here, I have had a lifelong difficulty with making friends. In fact, I would go so far as to say I have NEVER had a friend that wasn't either messed up in some way (pathological liar, severe OCD, etc.) or a recent immigrant (Africans in particular seem to love me). One thing that has been pointed out to me was that I never ask anyone questions about themselves.

Therefore, I made it my mission to ask specifics about someone's weekend for example when I get back to work on a Monday morning. Almost without exception, I will just get one or word answers. These aren't strangers: they coworkers I have known for many years! I'm at the point where I have to think that making "normal" friends is impossible. Can anyone relate? Any success stories?

Maybe you need to change your question.
Most people assume "How was your weekend?" to be just a politeness and not someone looking for a real answer. So, they will just say "fine" or "good" or something like that.
You could use a follow-up question, or simply ask the follow-up question instead of just saying "How was your weekend?"
I ask "Did you do anything interesting this weekend?" if I am hoping to get more of a response from people. Most of the time, people will tell me what they did if they are willing to talk. If they still just give one word answers, they probably don't want to talk.

No success story from me, unfortunately. I used to have people that liked me, but weren't friends. I think I missed some important social cues that would have led to friendships. I also tend to not reciprocate gestures such as being invited to go somewhere.

This was several years ago. I only just learned things such as how to make small talk, to avoid giving too much personal information, to ask others questions about themselves, to avoid being blunt, and to reciprocate (and recognize) friendly gestures.

I wasn't aware previously of all of the things I did wrong. But I haven't had a chance to use my knowledge to make friends yet.

I've actually been more mindful to ask open ended questions but I still get the same one word responses like "yes". I will ask what happened and they will reply "saw a movie" I will ask what movie they saw and they will say "XYZ". I then ask how was it they will reply "okay". I don't know what else I can do!


That's kind of the issue: I assume I have made great strides but the result is still the same. I can see what my Fiancee is doing wrong (WAY too silent), which doesn't really matter to her because she is an extreme introvert anyway but for me personally I go out of my way to avoid being blunt and direct and the result is still the same. I'm not a social butterfly but it would be nice to make some friends, preferably those with a young family.

What's more confusing is that many coworkers have been very friendly but when I invite them over for supper there is always an excuse. It's not like it was a big inconvenience I literally lived at the time right next to work! I'm starting to wonder if I'm just plain incapable of figuring it out.

I'm sure, if they need you for something, that they will become friends with you mighty quickly.

Most friendships, I have found, are based on people's practical "need" for each other. Or an affinity for some really petty thing like the lottery. I've seen whole cliques at my job based only on the lottery!

If you make yourself available, say, to help someone move, you have an instant friend. Maybe even if you offer to buy lottery tickets!

Unfortunately, this seems to be the truth of the matter.

It might not even be YOU who is "at fault."

Hey GHF . I think the problem is that you're out of the blue asking your co-workers about themselves, and because this is unusual i.e. you've never asked them about themselves before...they might think you want something from them, or are at least a little suspicious.

I would try your skills on new people, if possible. Otherwise you could keep at it with your co-workers, but back off for a little while first, then they're more likely to lower their defenses. Then start small talk again, but cautiously.

As for inviting them over to supper, it's perhaps best to invite them for lunch first, it's less formal that way.

Good advice smudge, I never thought of it that way. I do tend to be all or nothing and that might intimidate some people, especially since I have worked in the same job for 9 years. I did try it on a few new people (back when I was a runner) and it didn't really lead anywhere although I stop short of saying it was a failure. I have done the lunch thing in the past too and usually got more no's than yes' but it was still better than the supper thing.

I just wish people could just be upfront and open like children are. I once dated someone for months before they started to reveal they just weren't into me (or men in general). If people in general aren't interested in me that's fine but stop sending mixed messages and expect me to be able to understand no means yes, no and maybe.

I'm the same (all or nothing), though it takes me effort to keep in touch with people so I tend to have a few people in my life at a time. I find it too tiring otherwise, it's not like I dislike those people.

I don't like children, so I can't really relate, but I sort of get what you mean.

The general rule is when people are hesitant, you back off. Do you have much in common with any of them anyway?

I can relate! I have a super sweet friend that used to smile and ask how I was. I'd launch into an answer and then smile. She'd smile back and gently say "would you to ask me about how I am now?"
It used to embarrass me but she's so sweet to prompt me.

I do back off and that's the problem. I don't want people to back off and just give me a shot. The people I am referring to are not only coworkers, but are my age and fellow hockey fans and players. They are all married and some with babies and work in IT/AV services. In other words, people I *should* in theory get along with. I don't know: I guess I just am missing that part of my brain or something that makes connection very difficult.