How do I assert myself without getting too angry?

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Hi:
I have been told time and time again that I get mad at people if they do something that I feel is unfair such as..

I had an issue arise this afternoon where I ended up dropping my keys into a storm drain in my complex where I live and one of my neighbor's was out when it happened along with two contractors who were working on the property. One of them happened to be a plummer and I was instructed to ask for his help because he might have had the right equipment. So I went over to ask for help right? He was too busy putting together a piece of a pipe to help.

I said "No that is not an excuse this is an emergency and I am locked out of my house." I asked him nicely too. Yet he claimed that he was too busy putting together a pipe for a water main break between two buildings. I repeated what I said and she repeated what he said. I began to get frustrated because he seemed to be brushing me off and allowed my voice to escalate and I again repeated what I said the first time.

Everyone in the area seemed to get mad at me
1. My neighbor had to talk to him but he wasn't going to help because I "pushed his buttons" so he was going to "Let me suffer."
2. My neighbor told me that I have to be nice so that people can help
3. Another male who lives in the complex started shouting things at me as he was driving by as well as calling me names.

People with ASD seem to have trouble managing their emotions and can tend to become emotional very easily. It's true for me, anyway.

Perhaps your approach was wrong. I always am very polite, and smile when I am asking for help. People generally seem to want to help me. If people think that you are being demanding, they'll be less likely to want to do you a favor. You must consider that you are causing them an inconvenience.

It's difficult for me to put on my social mask, and I can't do it for long. Even so, it's worth doing at times or people get the wrong impression and then it's difficult to interact in a positive manner. If so many people are getting angry with you for asking for help, you likely did something that was considered to be way out of line.

Normally NT people will not show anger like that in public, so I'm guessing you were inappropriate enough to cause those people to react in that manner. If it was just one person, I'd say that he or she possibly had a bad temper, but it's less likely if all of those people agree on it.

And to answer your question of how to assert yourself without getting too angry...

My best suggestion is to always think thoroughly before you act or talk. Use logic to evaluate the situation from the perspective of all parties involved, not just yourself. Figure out how much your anger is logical and how much is just your emotions going crazy in a compromised state.

If after you evaluate you still think anger is justified logically, then you have to try your best to look at the situation in a way that will help you get what you want. Because I'm upset is NOT a logical reason to get angry at people if that's the only reason you have to be angry.

When in doubt always be respectful and kind, minding your tone of voice whenever asking anything of anyone.

The other problem with the situation is that no one really told me about the water main until after I was able to redeem my keys and get inside my condo until I got the notice. I thought it was something minor.

The issue is that I had never had something like this happen.

Wasn't there an episode of MLP:FiM on this, where Fluttershy takes an assertiveness training class and starts going all aggro on everyone? I mean, I can relate because I often have a hard time walking the line between letting people step all over me, and being so headstrong that I create unnecessary amounts of conflict. If I let people use me and treat me like a doormat, it's bad for me. If I try to fight back, it's still bad for me. I dunno, the only solution I can think of is just to minimize contact with other people. People are just too much trouble to deal with.

I think I saw that episode.

BB, I don't know if you have ever seen The Big Bang Theory before but I had one of those Sheldon Cooper type of moments where he flips out.

I call it "The Sheldon Cooper Phenomena."

Yes, she's cool. I like that she enjoys spending time with all the animals. And she's nice to everyone, but doesn't take crap, either.

I used to watch it when I had tv. It's been a few months now, though.

Respect , empathy and polite

Small talk with the plumber 1st, compliment him

say your story and let him empathize with your situation

Be polite to ask for help , smile, let him feel not obligated but yet see that you are distressed.

he probably help otherwise ask him how much for helping you.

of cause most of us can't keep cool with such situation. :/

The English thing to do, is to say thanks and walk away, while calling them every name under the sun in your head and panicking about what you're going to do.

A general rule I follow in life, is that the second someone loses their temper, they've lost the game (of life). Don't ever lose your temper yourself, say thanks and walk away before you get close. If they lose their temper, then again, say thanks and walk away - they've failed at being a decent person.

To stop it happening in the first place, be kind, listen to them and take what they say at face value - don't question them like you know best. Thoughts like "well he could stop for 2 mins and help me, why won't he?" aren't good. You should be thinking "I'll ask if he can help me, if he can't, the so be it - it was worth asking".

I'm glad you got your keys back in the end.

A general rule I follow in life, is that the second someone loses their temper, they've lost the game (of life)


That's so true , thought only I can understand that whoever lose temper or try to bully you, make body contact on a unpleasant conversation is the loser.

unfortunately I am in a Asian city that social gracefulness is non existent to certain degree.


In regards to someone brushing you off even you are polite. Supposedly you should still be polite .

" by the way thanks for your time , have a nice day/ great knowing you"

kindness begets kindness

I actually end the conversation with "great , have a nice day" firmly to a old stranger who try to hit off with me. it works and I didn't offend the other party.

I will try those next time but I will admit something else, I had a right to be upset. First of all I could have lost not only my property but the property that belongs to the university where I work. So I was scared of not only being locked out of my own home but also concerned about paying major fees. While you are right about being courteous, I think I had a right to be angry.

Believe me the plummer had an attitude from the start which was the type that could have cared less by giving you grief even if you explained the situation.