How to let someone know they are insecure?

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I most recently had a conversation with a lady who I walk with whenever I see them walking their dog. They know that I have Aperger's/ASD and acknowledge that I am very straight forward. I have always told people upfront if I think they are insecure or not. My friend told me never do to that. So I am wondering what would be the best way to let a person know I feel that they are misbehaving or being plain ugly with you as a result of feeling bad about themselves?

Don't. It's none of your business.

Are you really the kind of person who enjoys pointing out other people's insecurity? Do you really believe that insecure people need to be told that they are insecure? Or are you just trying to make other people believe that they are insecure when they are not?

No I am not actually trying to look for flaws in other people but I have happened to notice a lot of insecurity among others around me. The only time I will bring it up if I see them behaving in a passive aggressive fashion, or plain seeming to make statements that seem inappropriate.

Last edited by Summer_Twilight on 14 Jul 2016, 9:36 am, edited 1 time in total.

Unless the person asks for your opinion, keep it to yourself. This goes for any topic that may result in negative feelings. Of course you can always just say it, but don't be surprised when the other person gets angry with you. It's basically a personal topic you avoid talking about: you may notice it but that doesn't mean pointing it out will actually help, the person in question probably already knows about the issue and just hasn't solved it yet.

No one had ever told me that it isn't acceptable to tell someone that they seem "Insecure" until now. I also had thought that a lack of awareness played a big part when it comes to the insecurity of others. Is that not the case?

It is not the case.

Most sensible people do their very best to conceal their insecurities from others, especially those who seem to derive some perverse joy from pointing out insecurities in others.

Nuff said?

Well, what if out of the blue someone told you you're insecure, how would you feel about it? Probably like it was an attack of sorts. My recommendation is that if you know someone's insecure, don't mention it to them, try to do things that make them feel more secure like compliment them when they do something, notice small things they do, you know just be a healthy friendly individual-- that's the easiest way to get them over the hump: show them acceptance and they will show you they feel secure.

The most common and effective way to let someone know they’re insecure, or have any other readily exploitable weakness, is to exploit it—to bully them and take advantage of them.

I don’t know about Summer_Twilight, but I was emphatically taught to accept criticism from others and make use of it to evaluate myself fairly and correct myself, and I naturally grew up expecting others to behave that way, too. It took me an awful lot of years to understand that most people will never descend to such a level of submission.

I think autistics in general could really use a good warning, early in our lives, that people can and will take offence—and retaliate—at absolutely anything they choose to, and especially at anything bad you might point out about them. It doesn’t matter if you’re right (or maybe they’ll take offence precisely because you’re right) or you’re trying to help them. If you don’t have anything nice to say, right or wrong, just shut up.

Only if they ask you for criticism should you give it, but expect them to take offence and retaliate anyway.

Sorry you had to go through that. Some people forget that the game is to climb the pyramid, not just find a perch and rain s**t on those trying to climb below them. I'm for things that will get results and the philosophy you got taught (and thankfully got out of) is not going to give positive results for the person practicing them. Yes, listen to criticism, but don't just accept it, make sure it's beneficial for you first and validate it's accuracy second. You may find the criticism actually helps you change something you need to change, but you'll find a good amount is just someone trying to manipulate and control you.

Why do you think that if someone is insecure it means that they don't have self awareness?

Sometimes people do things out of the act of doing things based on feelings that they aren't aware of. I have always thought that people who are insecure can do things out of not being self aware as a result.

Some of us insecure people are aware of the mistakes that we make and often feel misunderstood. It could be one of the reasons why they feel so insecure.

Telling someone you think they are insecure will insult them and make you come across like you are a know it all who is playing armchair psychologist. It's a horrible idea and most likely pushes people away. Please, for your own sake, stop doing it. I know you meant no harm but telling them that is a very personal insult unless you tell them during a conversation about their problems. Even then you have to be careful with it because a person who is already insecure is just going to be more insecure once they are told that people are noticing it. If they aren't insecure then it's just going to piss them off and make you sound like a jerk.

If you think they are insecure the best thing to do is be nice to them and boost their self confidence. If someone is being mean to you and you want to be mean back then telling them they are insecure is fine, just tell them something like "you wouldn't be such a douche if you didn't have all that insecurity". But it's not a good way to defuse and deescelate a situation. Also if someone already doesn't like you, trying to explain their behavior and the motives behind it to them in an effort to make them think about it and change just won't work.

If you think someone is being mean and you want to try and change that or make friends with them, the best way to do it is to say something like "I feel like you're being mean to me. Have I done something to upset you? Because I'd like to get to know you or be your friend."

Ok then Spiderpig I'm going to take you at your word and point out something to you and ask you about it. I'm seriously not being mean, it's something I've noticed for a long time and it's the main reason I just try to avoid interaction with you, and I imagine others do as well. I do hope you were honest and will try to really evaluate and correct this. And again, this isn't to be mean, you said you don't take it like that.

Why are you so godawful negative? Every response you give is so negative and full of doom and not only so completely devoid of hope, it actually sucks out any hope and good feelings I may have somewhere in my mind when I read it. It's almost like a malignant Eyore is typing it, but an Eyore that is suicidal and has never had a good thing happen to him ever.

I hope that you don't really see everything the way you come across, and I hope it's just habit from always speaking negatively. My mother used to do that sometimes and it pissed everybody off. Do you really think this way and if so have you ever had therapy or tried meds for it? I've had depression and even tried to kill myself before but meds helped and I had to try quite a few before I found some that did. After I did was able to see that things weren't nearly as hopeless as I had truly believed they were.

So, for real and out of curiosity and a little concern, why are you so negative? Are you aware you are and if so is this on purpose? Are you aware that it probably greatly contributes to negative reactions you get from people and that if you tried to change it and did, that you would have fewer negative interactions with people? Are you trying to make everyone you talk to become as sad or depressed or hopeless as you come across to be? I am seriously asking for an honest answer from you and aren't trying to insult or upset you, this isn't how I'd go about it if i were. And would you ever consider changing it and if so what would cause you to try to change it?

Not trying to derail your thread ST, but I've been wondering this about him for a long time and wasn't going to ask until he just said what he did, which basically stated it was ok to.

I do look forward to your answer SP and I hope it's an honest and informative one and not something along the lines of paraphrasing "life sucks so why whitewash it?".