"We should catch up sometime"

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I've always had trouble making friends, mainly because of communication difficulties. It's hard for me to converse with people or relate to them in general. I also have a tendency to assume that everyone dislikes me, so as a result I don't approach people and any conversations I have are brief and impersonal.

A few days before graduation, a guy from my class added me on Facebook and sent me a message telling me that I was really funny and cool. This confused me greatly because we had never actually spoken before. We didn't even sit near each other. He would say "hi" to me whenever he saw me in the hallway or when he'd walk into class, but that was the extent of our interaction. I'm pretty sure I've never spoken to him directly. A few messages later, he told me that we were friends, which I was excited about (A FRIEND!! !) but still confused because we still didn't actually know each other. Do most people make friends they don't know?

At graduation, he congratulated me and hugged me, which really took me by surprise because we had only sent a few semi-impersonal messages to each other about school. I have a slight aversion to touch, so hugs are a really big deal to me. They just seem really intimate and they make me sort of nervous. Anyhow, a few weeks passed and he sent me another message saying "we should catch up sometime" which didn't make sense AT ALL. We literally just saw each other, there's nothing to "catch up" on. Plus we still didn't even really know each other at that point but he was acting like we were old friends. I agreed that we should "catch up" but I didn't really understand what he meant by that. Did he mean we should message more? Meet somewhere? From my understanding people usually say "we should catch up" when they're just being polite and have no intention of actually talking to the other person. But why would he send me that out of nowhere? I feel like he's just being nice and says he's my friend out of pity, but we still talk online and now we text each other and I don't think he'd pretend to be nice to this extent. I always feel like I'm bothering him, but he messages me first so he must like (or at least tolerate) talking to me, right?

I feel so dumb but I just genuinely don't understand other people. I haven't made a friend since middle school and as of right now only one other friend talks to me on a regular basis, so this New Friend thing is a little overwhelming. Sorry for writing so much about a silly situation and over thinking it but I think I'm just looking for some reassurance that he really does want to be my friend because my crippling self-doubt is trying to tell me otherwise.

It sounds like he's interested in getting to know you better. By saying, "We should catch up sometime", he is hinting that maybe he'd like to get some coffee with you or something casual where you can actually talk a bit. He is testing the water to see if you would be interested. If you say, "Yeah, we should", then you would be encouraging him to plan an actual time. Or, you could come right out and say, "Yeah, that sounds good. How about such-and-such day/time." "Catching up" is just a term meaning "chat". Some people actually do mean they want to hang out when they suggest "catching up" and since this guy has been taking all the initiative (including all that saying "hi" in the hallway) means he is sincere. Maybe graduation is kind of making him feel like, "If I don't get to know this girl now, I might miss my chance", so he is being a bit more forward than he had been.

Friends always start off as people we don't know. Then, as we get to know people, we make decisions about whether we want to continue to get to know them better or not.

I agree with Nerdygirl, might want to get to know you better. Possibly but not necessarily attracted to you but in a nice, get to know you and be comfortable, make you comfortable sort of way.

I wouldn't worry too much. Around graduations, it seems common for people to become more friendly with each other.

Ask him what his interests are like going to an arcade or a baseball game or find something that you both might like.

You could also ask if he would like to go out to lunch sometime. You know...give it a chance.

I remember changing schools at your age and I was a loner for most of the part when second semester started I ended up taking classes with a nice girl. She and I really hit it off so I associated with she and her friends. In fact, she and I stay in touch to this day.

I wish he hadn't waited until after we graduation. I really could have used a school-friend. But I appreciate his friendship nonetheless, even if we might not ever get to see each other ever again.

We went to the same function awhile ago, but it was super awkward because he was with his friends and I was with my friends and the few minutes that we actually saw each other consisted of painfully awkward silence (I am awful at talking).

In a online communication the topic of going to movies alone came up and he said that he wanted to try going alone sometime (presumably because he's never gone to a theater alone) and said he'd invite me along but that would sort of defeat the purpose. Before I could reply, he sent another message saying "having said that, I'd rather go see a movie with someone else again". I thought that was a sort of extraneous thing to say, but then I thought that maybe when he said "someone else", he meant me, so with some very awkward, nervous phrasing I told him that if he was in need to someone to go with, I'd be happy to. He said that would be great and I told him to let me know if when there was a movie playing that he wanted to see. He didn't respond, the conversation ended and hasn't been brought up since, and then I felt really dumb because maybe he wasn't implying that he wanted to see a movie with me and I was being weird and pushy. And even if he does maybe want to hang out, it'd be a recipe for disaster because I freeze up around people and get flustered and can't talk and he'd probably think that I dislike him or something.

I also have a problem with asking people to do things because I have an intense, crippling fear of rejection. I mean I can't even ask my best friend whom I've known for about seven years if she wants to hang out. Or when my family asks me where I'd like to eat, I can't answer because I'm afraid they won't like my suggestion. I haven't seen a few of my close friends in over a year and miss them dearly but I am too nervous to even start a Facebook conversation with them. I had serious trouble even starting this thread because I thought no one would respond or I'd be made fun of (rightfully so). I'm pathetic. So I don't think I'd ever be able to ask this fellow to accompany me anywhere, especially because I know I'd make an idiot of myself if we did actually chat in person.

This is why I have such a hard time making friends. Like, besides him, I only have one friend that talks to me on a regular basis, so this is a big deal to me. I'm probably not that significant to him because he probably has a lot of friends and hangs out with people often. I'm not interesting, so I don't know why he wants to get to know me.

The exciting continuation of my stupid problem...

He hasn't spoken to me in about half a year. We had sent a few messages back and forth before the conversation withered and died abruptly. I think part of my last message to him might have been misconstrued and that I might have offended him somehow. That or he suddenly realized how boring and awful I am.

More recently I wished him happy birthday online and received no response. He still "likes" my posts occasionally but hasn't communicated with me since last year. I don't know what I did wrong but I don't want to bother him any more than I already have. I feel so stupid. I was so close to making a friend and I effed it up.

Are you male or female?

If female:

Because tbh I think if you were both in high school at graduation he might have had a crush on you.

I'm not joking about this either, maybe he's just shy and awkward himself and realizing just how little time he had left he had to try and find a way to talk to you, befriend you and get to know you better before graduation because that would meant he would pretty much lose contact with you.

So he found you online, messaged you, talked to you, etc.

Congratulated you, even hugged you, and tried talking to you more and meeting up.

Maybe the messages stopped because he lost interest because maybe he was giving hints that he had feelings for you but as an aspie you failed to pick them up.

Or maybe he did just want to be friends.

Still though it doesn't matter if he wanted to be just friends or wanted a relationship; either way this all just sounds weird and strange, and he does sound like an awkward person who seems to have no idea how to approach these types of things.

I'd even say he thinks like an aspie himself...

Even his method of 'making friends' is just odd...

I'm female but I don't think him liking me is even a consideration. I'm not attractive in any sense of the word. I'm not even being self-deprecating. From an objective standpoint I am sincerely not good-looking nor am I engaging personality-wise. I can't even understand why he even wanted to be my friend.

We actually graduated from junior college, not high school. It doesn't really make much of a difference other than we're in our 20's and not our teens.

I'm looking back at our conversations (though it pains me to do so) and it all just seems like general chit-chat to me, "have you seen this movie", "look at this web comic", "I bought a toaster" type talk. Nothing about feelings. Unless he was being very, very, very cryptic or I'm even more of an oblivious dummy than I thought.

I mean the only things that really seemed strange to me is that he hugged me every time we met in person and we'd text for hours late into the night, but I assumed that must be how NT's interact. (I don't have many friends or much experience with friendship, if that wasn't obvious.)

He is sort of awkward and he does have some aspie traits. That's part of the reason I was so excited that he called me a friend- finally, someone like me! Except, like, better in literally every way.

I just remembered before we began messaging each other when we were at a function and I was walking with a girl from our class. He approached her from the other side and started walking with us. He told the other girl she looked really pretty. She said thank you and we walked the rest of the way in silence. It was like I wasn't even there. So again, probably not into me. At all. Not even as a friend, apparently.

Gosh, I'm sorry for going on about all this. I'm just sort of distraught by the whole situation. Ignore me.

To me it sounds like you have a bad case of self loathing. I don't blame you, I've been there. Still is to some extent. But I think you have value, even if you can't see it yourself. I'd like to help you see that.

Even if his motive was being friend or attracted to you, he must have liked you, otherwise he wouldn't write with you late at night. But if you haven't talked with him for half a year your chance is probably passed. Might not be the happiest thouht, but there will probably be others who reach out. Try asking what they see in you, and believe what they tell you.

Ignoring you would be an easy and terrible thing to do, I think, though this thread went nearly a week without replies.

I'm not sure what to say, beyond that you're hardly alone in experiencing this. I've had acquaintances - some of them close, others full of promise - drop in and out of my life with hardly an explanation when they leave. It gets under your skin, destroys any peace of mind you might have had; and who's to say you shouldn't indulge in such negative emotions? You pore over the tiniest bit of conversation, trying to learn something from this failed encounter, perhaps enough to stop future relationships from similarly vanishing...and so on, so forth, waving it off like that. It's a vicious cycle.

What I at least want to suggest is that - believe it or not - it may not be your fault. He might be in a bad way right now and cutting off communication with everyone, or maybe he's actually busy and not just blowing you off. If you feel up to the challenge, you can try to be direct with him - ask him how he's doing, if he's under any duress, or if you may have offended him last time. Taking initiative is hard, certainly easier said than done, but sometimes it's necessary to reach out to people who may not be aware of your sensitivity to silence.

Sad update: It's been over a year and still no response from him. I'm too embarrassed to message him and frankly it seems like the friend-ship has sailed. I wish people could fill out little surveys for things like this so you'd know what you did wrong or right. While I still feel really lousy about whatever my failings were/are, he seems happy and I'm glad for him. He deserves to be happy.

I just wanted to say I feel like this all the time. People say we should "catch up" on the phone etc... Well we're talking right now and didn't we just "catch up?"

I think, in my experience, you, we, don't understand how to maintain friendships possibly?

NT seem to do this easily. And it seems off... Not sure why yet.

I like you think people tend to dislike me. I'm shocked when they say they think I'm funny or cool.

But then I don't maintain the friendships. I don't make an effort to hang out etc. because I don't like to go places. And I rather would stay home. Then eventually after them pursuing me I think they go, well Meeko doesn't want to hang out, let's stop inviting her.

Idk. I can talk to people like a salesman but to actually make the connections and become friends is rare.

Currently, I have one friend. All we do is text. Once in a great while we hang out. Met him through work.

I took this phrase waaay too literally at a party.. and well.... that was a nice little f**k up on my part! I actually thought that the person wanted to chat!! !
The said OH! It's been so long- we should totally catch up! Message me- let's do lunch this week. Then they gave me a goodbye hug and went away and then I messaged them and ... : / they "read" it and never responded and ignored me the next time we met, and I was like *SIGH* not again!! !>.>

HAH! I WISH!! !! people filled out friendship exist surveys!
That would be helpful:

Please choose from the following options reasons why this friendship was terminated
1.) I am an as*hole
2.) I think they are an as*hole
3.) I'm needy and they aren't fulfilling my needs
4.) I am lazy and don't need them to be a part of my friendship circle and meeting up with them takes too much effort
5.)They were rude/unpleasant
6.) I have no real reasons...

I'm guessing that some people do the social equivalent of throwing stuff at the wall to see what sticks. They're not talking to people out of sincere interest, but in a casual careless way. Sort of having a core group of friends, but keeping other people in the pipeline to in case they might lose core friends.

Sort of like an employer with a full staff who let's people fill out job applications wasting their time because there are no job openings. The employer keeps them On File just in case someone ever does quit or gets fired leaving the applicant waiting and wondering.

Likely the truth.