The Endless Cycle

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Hey guys - this post is gonna be a bit more on the serious side, so you've been warned.

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So, I'm pretty sure that I'm on the spectrum somewhere. A lot of symptoms have gone away or lessened since I first looked into this a few years ago (I'm 19 now), but I've still been having trouble with certain things. At first sight, you might not notice much about me at all. After a little while, maybe. Because of this, I went through a pretty bad experience with my parents (who, in a way, flat-out denied autism's existence for a year, until I got my school counselors involved) and a counselor they made me see, who read me the symptoms of autism and told me that I didn't have Asperger's (from the DSM-IV) and then went on to suggest that I could have schizophrenia for some reason. I also had issues with my coworkers at my new job a few months ago, who told me that I was so quiet that I seemed like an as*hole, that I was scary and it seemed like I hated everybody, etc.

Aside from trying to work past my relatively flat, low voice and the fact that it seems like I either look like I'm half-dead or like I'm a stoner all the time, I've also been trying to figure out what to do about my friendships and this cycle I've been stuck in. Unlike a lot of people, rather than feeling the need to seek out friendships and/or talk to people, I feel a constant need to create things instead (see my website for what I've done so far: http://www.baumarius.com ). Sometimes I get lost in that for days or weeks (and I don't talk to people often), and I don't have any issues with depression during those times. I remain content. In between those projects, however, I always take a step back and look at everything, and I always end up feeling terribly alone. I feel like I'm cold and soulless, with nobody to relate to. Sometimes I try to talk about the things I'm interested in with friends or in a few chat groups I'm in, but people usually seem like they don't know what to say. And then the next project will come around and the same thing will happen.

Because of this, I feel very disturbed with myself. I haven't spoken to anyone about anything substantial in a long time... Not like I used to with my friends. In my last year of high school, my mom was convinced that the world was going to end and I kinda got swept along with that - it really put a dent in my relationships. After I graduated, there were only a couple of people I talked to regularly. One guy that I talked to a lot around the end of last year who I had a crush on (I am bisexual) pulled me out of all of that religious nonsense my mom was going on about. But, even though we both had feelings for each other, that crush didn't really pan out into anything because he already had a girlfriend and was 10 years older than me. When I finally made myself face that fact in October, all of my emotions just dwindled to the point where it affected me physically. For several months, I couldn't eat anything without feeling nauseous. I still have some stomach issues left over from that, but I've gotten better. He was the last person I had a real, good relationship with though :/

Now... I've returned to the same cycle, and I am once again in the space between projects. I feel like dragging my face across the ground because that would feel better than not knowing what to say to anybody. I feel very empty... it's a miracle I've been able to stay on top of this all this time, but I know it can't go on forever without really screwing me up. I need new friends... or at least to be able to talk to someone about this. I'm still not quite sure where to look though. What do you guys think of all this?

Your music is really cool.

Thanks! X3

Speaking as an artist
(outside of my normal day job),
I would like to share a couple of things
and hope you won't take offense.

On your website, you say,
"The story will cost several thousand dollars to produce and will take a few years, so if you'd like to help out with the project, please consider supporting Baumarius ... "

You may want to consider scrounging up a little of your own money to start with a smaller project that you can get off the ground sooner yourself. Before people will trust you enough to pay you, you'll need to establish yourself a bit more.

With me, that meant investing some money (which was taking a leap of faith because when I first started out I was unemployed and living off my life savings in the bank) in getting enough fine art photos printed and matted so I could set them up on a rickety card table and sell them at a small art show at a tourist resort.

Oh, let me back up. My first art sale was two digital copies of photos at a low price ... The price was low on purpose because once I made my first sale, from then on I had the right to call myself a professional artist ... and then raise my prices to something that made more sense.

Starting small is not the same thing as dreaming small. You build ... success builds more success.

I ended up having my fine art photos exhibited in juried shows in art galleries, museums, my own solo show. I've sold in craft shows and through an online store.

Right now, I'm taking a rest from selling in order to focus on something new: painting.

Anyways, you certainly have talent. You have passion and drive.

Another piece of advice, if I may. At some point, you're going to likely end up using your real name ... or even a different pen name ... to sell under, ... what I mean is, a name that is not that of your fictional character.

I say this as someone who has used a fictional name to sell through my online store. Since everyone else at that venue was doing the same thing, it was okay ... and it's worked pretty well, up until now. At the beginning of this year, I created my own art website, using my real name, to better establish myself as a professional.

Yes, I know we Aspies like to invent our own names and/or do roleplaying ...
I still show up to Star Trek events dressed in costume and call myself Q.

That said, if you want people to part with their money and buy your art ... (writing, music, etc.),
there's marketing to consider.

Hope some of this will help you.
Feel free to take this advice or leave it,
as it may or may not apply to you.

Wishing you the best of success!

That's what I was thinking of doing before - and I've been paying the artists to work on it whenever I've been able to. I understand that people won't want to support this sort of thing until they actually start seeing some results. If I did it all myself though, $40,000 would take me about 3 years to get myself at my current job (unless I finally got a job composing a soundtrack for somebody). It is something that I want to see happen though, so I'm going to keep working on it either way. The end goal is to perform the soundtrack with an orchestra while the picture book plays on screens above for everyone to see.



Baumarius is my pen name, but not a character in any of my books. I made the name simply in reference to one of the types of synesthesia I have. I can see how using my real name would be more professional at some point, but for now I want people to come to know me as Baumarius - just like most people think of "Two Steps From Hell" before they think of Thomas Bergersen or Nick Phoenix. For now, I will at least put my real name on my website so that people might feel like I'm a bit more real to them.



That... I've been trying really hard to understand exactly what would get people interested, but at the moment, it's something I really need help with. I don't understand what to do very well :/


Anyway... thanks for the kind words!