Is it normal to suddenly want to get rid of all friends?

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I am suddenly finding that many of the people I used to enjoy spending time with are too needy or it's just a chore to have to respond to stuff from them (probably because I'm not deriving anything from my friendships anymore). I do not really enjoy unstructured social situations/having personal connections in general anymore, aside from the physical one I have with my husband.

I used to be extroverted and derived lots of energy from socializing. I felt like I connected with people and it made me feel good. I also felt like I needed a lot of social validation and to feel like I belong, which probably caused me to need the socializing. I used to prefer socializing over studying or other solitary activities.

Right now, I don't get drained or get anxious in social interactions so I still don't consider myself an introvert. I just find unstructured social encounters extremely boring. I am only energized in situations that are structured, not personally focused, and pre-planned with a definite beginning and end. I feel like I learn a lot more by reading scientific research or talking to experts. I don't need a friendship to do any of these things. I am in academia and enjoy talking to profs, classmates, etc. but feel like a total freak when they discuss casual things, going out, and "having fun" and I start feeling extremely bored/uncomfortable. In addition, I am very fixated on healthy eating, eat vegan/gluten free, am obsessed with cooking, and don't go out to most restaurants, which complicates things because most people just *try* to eat healthy. Many people don't respect my diet or are not aware of it and it's annoying when they give me stuff that I do not WANT to eat. I find many people think illogically in general and it drives me nuts lately.

My husband is not very social, either; he has no friends and does enjoy it when he goes out (to an extent), but also seems perfectly content alone. I used to be self-sufficient as a kid, too, and my mom worried I had no friends. There was just a period of a few years when I was suddenly very social, but now am okay managing my home and studying at home just in the company of my husband.

Is this a normal feeling to have for a (mature) 24-year-old and any tips on reconciling this difference from other people?

P.S. This is probably the reason why I haven't been posting on here much lately... This forum is social interaction in itself, really.

I honestly hope you don't get rid of your friends. They provide other perspectives on all ideas for your perusal. Healthy debate is part of learning.

You can even learn about people through small talk. Yes, it's a pain in the butt, but it's quite possibly a necessary evil.

You also need friends in your particular field. Unless you're an absolute Einstein, and have absolutely original and earth-shattering ideas, you need the collaboration of other people. Most people don't respond well to pointed unfriendliness.

If I hadn't been dependent on my parents at your age, had been able to study and had had a girlfriend, let alone a wife, I really wouldn't have given a crap about anyone else. The only social interactions I'd have cared for would be the ones I strictly needed to hold a job or otherwise keep that lifestyle going. Anything else would be just a waste of time I'd avoid and resent if forced on me.

I honestly identify more with "severe" autism aside from my speech and lack of intellectual disability. For you to tell me that "I need friends" when I don't need them on an emotional level is not very supportive at all, I'm sorry. I thought for years others can help me and then I can help them, but as I've gotten older, I realize that the only person who can help me adequately is myself. My feelings of self-doubt/anxiety/lack of belonging are only precipitated by other people. When I am alone, I feel perfectly content and don't experience these issues at all.

Also, there is such a thing as being "neutral". You don't have to be rude and unfriendly to others, just focused on the basics. I don't mind sharing personal information for a purpose as long as there is no emotion involved, including fake emotional reactions. When people get it, things tend to go just fine and we can be acquaintances/academic contacts. Any unstructured interaction outside of that class/work time is something that is a nuisance, but I haven't faced that yet as people don't get that social bonding energy from me anyway. I have gotten along fine with most people so far on a formal basis, though (I have asked for honest feedback at several academic occasions and nobody has ever told me I was rude, offensive, etc. when they got to know me well over a significant period of time; people in academia ARE honest).

Thank you. I am glad someone else can relate.

One thing that really baffles me is WHY do some people on the autism spectrum have no indication of any friendship needs while others (especially on this forum) desperately want friends? I work in the autism field and some of the moderate/severe folks I have worked with so far don't seem to have a need for anything that qualifies as a "friendship". Even with limited communication, something like following you around, smiling at you, looking at you more than at anything/anyone else, etc. may classify desire for friendship/social connection. However, there's often no indication of anything like that, other than attaching a specific person with a specific routine and wanting that person to be there as part of routine (and then it's onto the next person & routine). I can certainly relate to that. Not to mention any interest in the person or even sharing favourite objects with a person. The difference in social engagement across different people on the autism spectrum is very striking.

You misinterpreted somewhat. I meant you "need" friends for a more varied perspective on things, not for "emotional support." A somewhat calculating, almost Macchiavellian reason.

I meant for a more practical, rather than an emotive purpose.

I've been around people for a long time--and most of them don't want to relate to someone who isn't at least superficially friendly. Therefore, one might have trouble achieving one's goals if friendly overtures are eliminated.

I'm sorry if I wasn't "helpful."

Hmm, so how would you deal with the fact that friendliness on behalf of others is highly disturbing and bothers you? I find any emotional displays intense and overwhelming, the vagueness of these interactions very anxiety-provoking. So then I shut down and cannot interact meaningfully at all. I usually just explain to people how these things make me feel and then we get past it, learn about each other in a deeper way, and get on with things.

I guess you can have a friend solely for intellectual exchange, with no emotional give-take involved. You're right. Like two students teaching each other stuff. Perhaps that is something I will discover in grad school.

I find these thoughts you've been having very interesting. Given your history with gaining and having friends though, these feelings you are having seem, to me, to be less about having "friends" and more so about wanting control over your interactions with people and perhaps solidifying what kinds of people/interactions are ideal for you. In the span of several years you went from someone who was relatively isolated/had no friends to finding an entire community of interaction partners that behaved similarly to you and that you gained a sense of belonging with, which you found invigorating.

Now that you are very used to having this sense of belonging, I see what you are experiencing now as more of a pulling back and finding a balance between having people around to exchange thoughts with and maintaining the things you need to give yourself stability and comfort. You have identified a number of things that you need to maintain this level of comfort so it should be a priority to you to focus on these things and simply put less focus on your social life. You are starting grad school now so it would be a good idea to be upfront about this to the people in your life who you find are contacting you a lot. Many of your contacts on the spectrum could also see you as someone they look up to given your independence and accomplishments, which is why you may see them as "needy" as they are likely coming to you for advice. It's important in these cases to be upfront about your own needs to that they understand where you are coming from. For example; if someone is emailing you too much just to chat or discuss a problem - let them know that you are starting grad school and need to limit your "social" time.

For you, "friends" are regular contacts that you exchange information and ideas with without an emotional component. Because you have consistently shown that you are intellectually rewarded by these interactions, I would dispute the suggestion that you don't have a need for "friends"/people to share experiences with. Rather, I feel that right now you just are coming to terms with having *less* of a general need to have these interactions than you had before (rather than *not* having a need entirely) and trying to work this into/reconcile this with your self-concept. You have also been coming to terms with the fact that not everyone you meet will want to interact with you in the ways you prefer, and not everyone will take your activity preferences and high needs for structure and rigidity into account. This may be a good thing for you as it may help in determining who is a suitable "friend" for you and who isnt in order to reduce the social pressures you are experiencing. (What I noticed you doing before was wanting to meet as many people with ASD as possible but also getting discouraged upon finding people who you weren't personally compatible with).

As for your diet restrictions, you will need to practice advocating to others about these as well (so as early as possible in a "friendship" or aquaintanceship) in order to reduce the surprise/annoyance/discomfort you experience when offered foods you cannot eat/being invited to events at places with food you cannot eat.

I have noticed that you also tend to not only initiate interactions but also tend to pose questions a lot towards others asking for ideas, thoughts and advice (during the times I have seen your Facebook profile as well as towards myself and to others in other in person group interactions) and you have a strong need for constant feedback from others to the point where it can cause you anxiety if it is not given. While I could see you arguing that you don't need a friend to engage in these, an important part of improving the quality of these discussions is when the person takes history and context into account, which can only take place if someone is an aquaintance or regular contact. What I mean is that when a person is at least aware of your preferences and tendencies and thus can use this information to give you feedback and information that takes these into account, resulting in feedback that you may find more personally insightful. For example, I know quite a lot about your tendencies as well as ideas/modes of thought that you gravitate towards so I take these into account as well in my interactions with you to help myself understand your point of view when we are discussing something. As you may have seen already, my answer to your question is more detailed/nuanced than the posters above because I know you well in person and thus have more information to consider and work with when composing a response. I have also noticed that you gravitate towards some people more than others due to having common preferred topics of discussion or similar levels of intelligence/conversational style. Again, these preferences do indicate that you do have a need to have certianpeople regularly in your life, but again, you may have much less of a need for this now than in earlier times of your life.

(I have also been thinking about numerous times where you have broken from your patterns and shared/displayed emotions or initiated/participated in unstructured experiences, but that's a whole other topic.)

Thanks for your in-depth response! A lot of the things you have observed about me that you have just described are ways I used to be. I would say my "transformation" came about this summer, specifically maybe starting June. Maybe as a result of getting a chance to introspect and reflect upon everything I have learned throughout my 5 years after finishing high school, as well as getting a sense of my current situation, my need to get validation really isn't there anymore. I only posted one question in around June on Facebook that sparked a lot of discussion, but that was it. When you followed me on Facebook, I was in a completely different state, struggling with emotional issues. I almost feel like I had some genetic predisposition toward borderline clinically significant depression/anxiety but my environment has affected me in such a way that I was able to overcome these tendencies completely over these past several years. I am just saying this because I started off constantly lapsing into (probably subclinical) periods of depression (usually lasting me a week or two) and moderate levels of anxiety around people, as I was quite insecure. This made it difficult for me to initiate conversations, but then these two problems have been gradually fading away as I went on with my life.

Now that I am stable, I am beginning to immerse myself in my special interests and deriving more richness from them than ever, but I also feel like I am enjoying the fact that I can control everything about what I am doing and how I am doing it. I still find sharing information with others enjoyable and like learning about relevant topics from others, as well, but find that I don't want to share anything about myself in the process, don't want to learn about others as people, don't want any aspect of myself (that I am not interested in changing) scrutinized by others, and don't want any sort of attention/emotional support. I used to have more interest in others as people for some reason, but now I don't, unless it is for the purpose of helping them in some way. I guess maybe I was interested in them because I was aspiring to be more like some people in my life, but now I don't care about aspiring to others. All I want to do is amass knowledge and learn practical skills pertinent to my career, as well as improve my own habits and behaviour in very specific ways.

I agree about telling others regarding my diet, but again I tend to not want to share if that poses a burden on others/singles me out somehow because I don't like the personal attention and making people go out of their way just for me. Again, I am not looking for explicit judgement from other people of things I am set on not changing (specifically my personal values, my diet/lifestyle choices, what I do with my free time, stuff like that). When people give their opinion on things like that, I find it very intrusive, so I reveal things about myself only in situations where I am pretty confident people won't express their opinions. I don't care if people judge me to themselves, I just don't want to hear it.

I am actually experiencing this now.
The "genetic disposition" (not sure if this is real yet but I suspect!) that I am dealing with [and have been dealing with my entire life] has to do with being absolutely naive to the way human beings work and how interactions between them are supposed to go. I literally have no knowledge of this (I'm 22) and this has put me at a very big disadvantage in my opinion. A lot of people just coming into my life and me (thinking they are nice people) interacting with them and thinking that all of this is genuine. Yeah I am sick of what I experienced and I don't think I actually have a need for others (as in dependency for their emotions). So now no thanks ... unless you are a very self- aware person as my therapist says and choose to look out for me at all times.. I don't need it though.

Interesting. You sound a bit like me. I'm actually pretty sick of people. Most people that is. There are very few that I really want to spend any time with anymore. Even those whom I thought were friends, I have realized we have very little if anything in common and most are extremely superficial, yet try to portray themselves as very caring. I'm about to call it quits with most of my so-called friends. Good luck to you!

I went through this about a year and a half ago. My friends were becoming a chore and they all seemed so superficial and only wanted to meet up with me whenever they needed something from me or when it suited them.

I have since dropped all of them- and you know what? I don't really miss them at all. The pressure of having to meet up with them is gone and I don't need their superficiality in my life.

I would say there is nothing wrong with the way you are feeling. This happens to most NTs as well when they get a little older and find that work and other obligations tend to take up most of their time.

If you are lonely, I would say focus on finding a relationship with one person (romantically). But, if you are happy the way you are- then so be it! It is your life and life is too short to be spent trying to hang around people you don't want to be around.

I can relate to your well-articulated comments and life situation.
I have gone through many phases with respect to this issue.
I have shed many relationships in my life when they have become draining and burdensome.
I have also kept relationships that were very difficult, sometimes to great benefit.
I have also let good relationships wither and die, because I simply do not have the energy to maintain them. All social interaction is fatiguing for me.

Mathgirl, there is no correct answer, but there is an individual answer(ie. your self-selected personal view).

You are a Mathematician, so logic is central to your nature. I say, evaluate all of your relationships and weigh the relative value of them to yourself.

You NEED collaboration as a student and will NEED it as a Mathematician, however these relationships need not have an emotional component.

You do not NEED any emotional relationships that are negatively impacting you. There are people who have very few(and even 0) relationships, that are very content, you may be one of them.

Society EXPECTS us all to have numerous relationships, but that is NOT essential or even healthy for some of us.

Disregard social convention and be/do what you need to be well.

Take care

I totally get you. I don't like any of my friends. They are annoying and most of them are uninvited. For some reason I sometimes meet people and because they know my name they decide they are my friend. I don't understand why this is or what they see in me, but it just happens.

Friends can be a draining and a bit boring. Today I went to the funeral of my friend's husband. She was very sad. She says it was sudden and asks why did it come to this? This is very confusing for me because he was sick for at least 4 or 5 months and he was 81 years old! How can she possibly be surprised? I pat her on the shoulder, and she smiles so that is good. I don't want her to need me, but I kinda feel that it is a good thing to give someone comfort. It is part of being a human being. Even though I would have prefered to stay home and do my work, I think it was the right thing to do. The funeral took up nearly the whole day.

So I'm not sure if keeping the friends is a good idea or not, but sometimes when I'm with these people we have fun, they might even make me laugh & they seem to like me. When I was diagnosed with aspergers, my doctor said "your friends probably love you", I thought this strange because how did she even know that I had friends? But I think that some of them do love me and that can't be a bad thing.

So for now I keep the friends because if I get rid of them I might get sorry

I have the same issue friends are a chore and when I get them I lose them quick but the guy who was recommending you keep them is correct.

Friends provide a much needed resource when it comes to networking and getting favors done. I pushed all my friends away now when I need help I am alone

Thank you for all of your responses. I have read through them and am so glad that there are others out there who can relate to me in this. I feel totally normal being this way, it's just hard when the rest of society insists that you can only be happy and comfortable with friends and a social life. I'll just keep being me and show others that I am happy the way I am

I am not going to get rid of my friends, but will not go out of my way to socialize, either. I have already communicated to many that it is nothing personal and I just feel like socially isolating myself for now. Maybe this will change sometime in the future, but not now.

I am currently in the process of removing the burden of having friends. I noticed that I lose my identity when I have friends. Internet friends there is some leeway. There always seems to be a catch to having friends.

People find me habit forming and it changes me. I'm better off by myself reading books to learn, taking long walks, and just relaxing. It is so strange being different. I can't tell you why I do it. Maybe I'm afraid of change? Or that people are not dependable and its best to play it safe. Maybe it has to do with managing stress? So many ways to interpret. It is maddening.

I better stop here the pathways are infinite and is making me want to blow my brains out.