I just mucked up!

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I´m afraid, this is going to be long - mostly because of my clumsy english.

A few days ago, I was to see my neighbour for a cup of coffe in the yard. I discovered, that there was something on TV, I just HAD to see, so I wanted to postpone our coffee-hour. I called her. She didn´t answer. I tried a couple of times. Then I mailed her, hoping, se would see it. I even tried facebook.
My problem: If I didn´t turn up - if she didn´t see my notice - I would feel like a jerk and I would have to miss my program.
Her problem: She didn´t want to answer, because she was otherwise occupied and she felt harrassed.

We should have left it there, but it ended up as a discussion/quarrel about values.
It would be ok by her, if she would have sat there, asking, "where are you" - if she hadn´t recieved my notice.
Normally, I can - with all my collected self-discipline - take it easy.
This time, I couldn´t, because I had been in a swarm of things, that went wrong, because of faulty half-communication and I couldn´t handle more at the time.

My neighbour was FURIOUS with me for being so annoying and I explained to her why I had overreacted and gave her an apology - but - she looked at me strangely, wondering, like she didn´t know me. I´ve never seen that look on her face before. I rushed down the stairs.
Later, we texted each other, discussing, and I had to tell her, that I feel totally bad, if messages can´t get through and that I can´t have the same relaxed approach as she has.
(Neither could she herself a couple of years ago and her demand for precision allways made me nervous).

The end of it was: "We are too different". Our relationship has allways had an element of ambivalence. This time, it went off the rails , it seems. Maybe she had hoped, that I could become more like her. No chance of that.
We have been hostile a lot of times, but this time it is different - this strangeness.

1. I´ve discovered, that I really need things to be predictable, messages to go through, grammar to be correct, commas to be in place. I can take a certain amount of uncertainty/irregularity - and then....anxiety and childish behavior.
2. She gave me a birthday present, but I can´t use it because of the present situation. I´d like her to use it herself.

Do anyone have an idea on how to deal with this situation?

Basically, if I'm understanding correctly,
you sent your friend a message
telling her that watching a TV program was more important to you than she is.

That was an insulting message to send to your friend,
and then on top of it you get upset because your insulting message didn't get through the way you wanted?
Of course your neighbor was furious.
Because what she sees is you getting all upset over your own feelings
and not being considerate of her or her feelings.

True friends care about each other.
Real friends get together with each other when they say they will.
Good friends don't cancel plans to meet just because of a TV show ...
if a friend has to cancel plans, it's because of something truly important,
like illness or an emergency.
Using the excuse of "Oh, I can't see you after all, I just found out my favorite TV program is on then" is considered very rude,
especially when you get so emotional about how YOU feel.

1) If you get the chance, you might want to apologize to your neighbor for your behavior. Maybe she'll accept your apology, maybe not. That is her decision. But at least you'll be doing the right thing.

2) If you give her the birthday present back, she probably won't want to be friends, because you will be insulting her again.

1. She has chosen TV over me more than once - and we are used to taking such things in a very relaxed manner.
We´ve known each other for 30 years. I just wanted to postpone for 45 min. She has done so too, so that wasn´t it.

2. It was my attempts to get in contact, that annoyed her. Too many! She´d prefer to just have one - but at the time, I couldn´t.

3. I did apologise and gave her the explanation, but she looked at me like a stranger. Not furious. Just cold.

I suppose, I´ll have to wait it out.

If the meet up was that casual, it probably seemed like you went really overboard about such a minor issue. I can see how that would be annoying/somewhat alarming. I think you're right about giving it a little time, but after 30 years you would know!

Yes, that´s what I explained to her - that I had panicked , when I couldn´t reach her.
It was an overreaction to that period, when EVERYTHING went wrong because of missing communication - and I HATE not being able to deliver a message in time.

It is just that unusual total withdrawal, that bothers me.

Yes, I just act totally as always.

Hi Jensen,

Thank you for your kind reply ... I know I can come across as harsh and direct.
Knowing more of your background with your neighbor helps with understanding.
It seems there's a better chance of working things out.
Hope things get better for you!

What was the program?

Program?

Ok, phoenix.
She just wrote me and I could tell, that she has taken it exactly the way, you first suggested. I wrote her back kindly and explained myself once more and reminded her, that she herself has let TV come before me. I thought we were quite relaxed with that. I asked her, what I could do to set things right and I can´t do more - but she probably won´t budge.