Loneliness

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I just finished reading "Loneliness" by John Cacioppo & William Patrick. It outlines more than 20 years of research into social connection. The authors use the results of psychological & medical studies, as well as anthropological research, to come to the conclusion that there is a biological necessity for human beings to have contact with other human beings.

They are by no means advocating that everyone needs the same level of contact - and they also make the distinction between people who like to spend time alone & people who are lonely (since it is equally possible to be lonely when surrounded by people & to be alone, but not lonely.) What they are saying is that everyone needs some level of contact with other human beings - and that people in our society are becoming increasingly lonely (or, "socially disconnected.") They show that loneliness can lead to a greater incidence of medical and psychological problems, as well as a decreased life expectancy.

The idea of "social disconnection" actually led me to examine Asperger's Syndrome - which, in turn, led me to this site. While there is no mention of AS in this book, I feel that the subject matter is directly related to AS & the social challenges that most of us experience in our daily lives.

For me, the next to last chapter was worth the price of the book. It give specific suggestions for how to become more socially connected & strengthen existing relationships. I'd like to share some of that here (in a much-abridged form):

EASE Your Way to Social Connection

E FOR EXTEND YOURSELF - Start small - don't try to find the love of your life or to reinvent yourself all at once & don't expect too much. Practice random acts of kindness. Reach out in simple exchanges at the grocery store or at the library - saying things like "Isn't it a beautiful day?" or "I loved that book." Volunteer to work with the elderly, kids, animals, etc.

A FOR ACTION PLAN - Realize that we have some control over our own lives - that we can change our situation by changing our thoughts, expectations & behaviors (the authors call this "self-regulating.") Charitable activities enable us to put ourselves in the social picture with less fear of rejection or abuse. But realize that doing for others does not mean letting them exploit you.

S FOR SELECTION - The solution to loneliness is not quantity but quality of relationships. Human connections have to be meaningful and satisfying or each of the people involved, and not according to some external measure. Part of selection is sensing which prospective relationships are promising, and which would be climbing the wrong tree.

E FOR EXPECT THE BEST - Social contentment can help us to be more consistent, generous, and resilient. It can make us more optimistic, and that "expect the best" attitude helps us project the best. According to the logic of co-regulation, then, social contentment is more likely to elicit warmth and goodwill from other people - such is the power of reciprocity.

Well, then, colour me spaceman 'cause that junk doesn't apply to me.

First impulse: a shrink, in this day and age, who studies loneliness but hasn't heard of Asperger's? What's wrong with this picture?

Then I read the rest of the post. Been there, done that...

Except maybe the "selection" part. The only thing I can think of that I haven't tried is to find an Aspie group. I don't know how to do that. Then again, it's such a huge range, that could be a dead-end, too.

finding the aspie group was key for me to regain my sense of self.

Good bump, auntblabby.

Lots of great suggestions and well worth reading the EASE method for anyone who might be lonely. I would also say that, aswell as humans, keep your pet in mind if you have a dog or cat, etc. The time spent with them and nurturing that relationship is (IMO) just as important as human relationships. They have souls and are people too, just in a different body.

just imagine that they could talk back to us after we've yammered at them our emotional stuff all these years.