Friends who blow hot and cold

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What do you do with them? Why do people behave like this? Why do some people love you to death one minute and behave like you're not there the next? The way I look at it is you either like someone or you don't, right?

I realy don't understand that either but usally it in my opinion a bad sign. They are unrealable at best and they usally go bad for me at the worst times then act like nothings wrong next time you see them. I avoid them once they act like that a couple times.

I know what real, reliable, loyal friends are like now that I have made some. They aren't like the way either of you have been treated.

I've never really had any loyal friends so I don't know how friends are supposed to act.

Fiz,

Are you refering to somebody who acts (or pretends) to be the best friend you could ever have and another day you're visiting this person and this "friend" is treating you in a most disrespectful way, beaking off at you with all kinds of snide comments, and you're wondering what you did to set your "friend" off like that?

Well... I had a buddy like that. He was an alright guy but some times he'd go on his rants and when doing so, he was like the Energizer Bunny. He just kept going, and going, and going. He also liked to lecture me some times on how I should be living and not living my life, really personal stuff.

So one time he got dumping on me with one of his rants. I got up to leave, he suckled, saying: "look, I'm sorry if I offended you with what I said..." I sat back down and he got ranting again at me from where he left off! As I closed the door on my way out, I think I heard him say in a resigned tone: "Maybe I don't understand".

Huh! How's he going to understand when he doesn't let me say my piece? Too bad btw- It was his 3rd offence. Once bitten, twice shy, 3 times, you're out. His loss, my gain.

Does this describe anything you know of?

Another favorite line I have for ornery people is: "talk to me sensibly or don't talk to me at all".

Yeah kind of only sometimes, instead of ranting at me they just completely ignore me and treat me like they don't know me. In the past I've asked them if I've done something to offend them. 9 times out of 10 I'm sure I haven't but I think well I may as well check. The types of replies I've had have been either 'no not at all' which is fairly self explanatory or 'what makes you think everything is about you' which is unreasonable given the nature of the question and the fact that I only asked it once as I'm not the type of person to bleet or go on solidly about the same thing over and over, not really. I just don't understand this kind of behaviour and when I ask them why they are doing it I get told to f**k off basically and so I do as I no longer can be bothered with that type of BS. Then a week later they come back all lovey dovey again like nothing happened. I don't get it at all.

Fiz, some people are like that.. and "no, not at all" ranks right up there with the white lie, "I'm fine" answer to "how are you?".

Its an indirect way of saying "i dont know how to explain" or "I dont want to explain" or "i'm angry, but its none of your business, even though its about you".

It can also be aluding to an unspoken rule that acknowledging your presence/existance is socially detrimental to them; they will lose social status in that environment.

I have to be blunt with you and tell you that you may be exhibiting socially unacceptable behavior, even if you are unaware of it, and ignoring you is body language to others that they are not associated with you.

I see three solutions. one is nice, the other is not so nice, but it is typical NT behaviour. I suggest the first tactic, as the second goes against the typical autist "everyone is equal" mindset. The second takes a fine hand to pull off, and can backfire greatly. The third can be tricky too, but its tons of fun!

1) Ignore it, and them. Leave at the earliest convenience. Limit your contact with them in the future. This is partly what they want. Make a list of your "friends" and ask this questions of each one. "Do they ever phone/contact me to do stuff with them?" If the answer is no, then you have a friend that doesnt need you, or a false friend. Be kind to them, leave them alone. This is the best action for an egalitarian neurodivergent.

If you want a friend that runs purely on instinct, get a cat. Humans aught to rise above, and THINK. If they treat you like this, it means that they dont see you at the same social level as them. Real friends will be. They will pull you up to their level, or sink down a little to accomodate you.

2) Insult them. You are going to have to climb over them in a social sense. At least one other person in the area must be made to vocally or in action, acknowledge your presence. At that point, you are at least equal to them, but this often means that they are simply lowered to your level. They lose rank. It might as well be the "friend".
If you can make them look foolish, you will step above them socially, at least for a short time. Regardless of the insult, there is probably a situational response that will negate it.

When I say insult, you can certainly go that route, but the stronger the insult, the stronger(and easier and more serious) the response. While yelling "hey b***h! I'm talking to you!" will get you acknowledged, you might get a fist in the nose.

You have to understand, that once you start climbing the social ladder, you must keep going, or you start to fall down again. The stakes get progressively higher. You can and should get part way up, and then work to maintain that position. You will climb up, slide down a bit... up again... and so on. Everyone, Every NT is unsatisfied with their level, and strives to overcome their deficiencies to climb higher.

3) Rather than insult them, I suggest you make them look foolish. The consequences are lower. If you are bad at showing your emotions, you are probably good at hiding them!

Tell a story that is 90% true, with 10% BS. Tell a story that makes you look bad. Everyone in earshot will perk up. They will be waiting to hear full confirmation of your ineptness. It should finish with some outcome that is going to make you look bad, but you dont get to it. As you tell the story, picture the events in your head. This is where the 90% true comes from. Lies are transmogrified to true if you imagine similar events from real life. Slightly overplay the emotions, with stronger emotions being played harder.

Build the emotional actions from zero at the beginning to strong near the end. Tense up as you tell the story. Everyone will also. NTs take emotional intensity as truth indicators, but you need to build to it. You need to make at least some eye contact at the right times. Do this judiciously, to lure in people who might not believe you. When you match their gaze, think "You know how i feel!" Pretend that they do. Dont plead.

If you grab their attention, you will know it. All eyes will be on you. The dynamics of the crowd will draw in any that are not sympathetic. Thats how they tend to work.

Pardon my rambling, I am grinding gears crafting a BS story for you as an example. If I stop typing, I stop thinking, and this type of thinking is best done in my subconcious, so I need to distract my consciousness.

Now, the tension has built, and the crowd is yours, and you are just about to feel great, but they think you are going to look stupid. You have them trapped!

<to be continued>


Juuuuuust kidding!

My sub brain is done. Here is the example story, then I will explain how the conclusion works. Capitalized words should be slightly above normal peoples speaking volume.
words inside *** are comments, and not part of the story. The story sucks.


<"friends" name here>, DID i tell you? I just about got ran over today?
***this was the attention hook. They might not respond, but they will hear and start to pay attention***

I was crossing the street, and the light was against me, but there was plenty of time, so I started to cross.
***This tips off the listener(s) to the fact that you are about to do something dumb***

Suddenly, this car speeds up, and I jump back! It just misses me!
***This is the twist in the story. It violates the listeners expectations, while re-enforcing the believabilty of the story. After all, you are hardly injured**

It swirves and SLAMS into a light post!
*** slap one fist into your other open hand as you say SLAM. Body language re-enforces words. Look at your hand as you do this***
*** imagine a car that looks identical to your friends. This helps, oddly enough.***

The horn goes off in the car, the airbag bursts out, and the pole is bent(or broken).
*** this is what happens! reality situations, remember?***

Next thing I know, The driver is OUT fo the car, with a big cut on his nose and BLOOD pouring down his face, and man is he MAD!
***emphasis capitals! Very important! Meanwhile, you are making eye contact with people that are looking at you. Mostly look at your friend. DONT blink on this line***

He come FLYING around the car, and right up to my face!
*** pause here for 0.25 seconds! ***

YOU! He said!
*** point an accusing finger at your friend while speaking this, and speak it low and growly, and/or clench your teeth. Make sure your teeth are showing to your audience. Make your eyes bulge too! Dave Mustaine of Megadeth is really good at this. Watch a megadeth video if need be, or just BECAUSE!***
***pause again. take a deep breath, let it out and relax. Look back at your friend***

...and then.... he....
***again, pause. At this point someone should have said "what happened next?" ***

he said*** tiny pause*** that you are foolish to believe my BS story.
***look at the person that asked what happened next, or the person with the biggest eyes***
***At this point, the listener(s) should be embarrassed and/or confused. Success! Dont laugh at the end. This is very important! The person that last asked what happened next will look very poorly in the eyes of everyone else.***
*** the end***


What has happened is you rewarded curiosity and outspokeness with public censure. In the eyes of the crowd, the mark( the person who asked last, hopefully the friend) will look foolish, and anyone that was believing the story will silently be thankful that it wasnt them. You will look clever. Because its an open lie,(you revealed it at the end), you will get respect for being clever, and nothing negative for lying. You will receive a status that indicates that you are capable of guile. Because people tend to think they are smarter than anyone else(in terms of common sense), you will be elevated at least temporarily above them. You will be dangerous(but maybe fun) to speak to.

Think of the scene in "the thirteenth warrior" where the little red headed guy tricks and kills the big blonde viking. "Now they dont know what we are capable of!". This is just what you have done.

A further note, after this long diatribe... Dont use this often. Word gets around. You have to change up your story now and then. The story i outlined for you sucks, but should work. I'd suggest something else, something thats hard to confirm, like someone stealing from you. I use my own story about once or twice a year. Excessive detail will destroy the believability. Keep it short!

Take the meter from that tale and adapt it to events in your life. The actors in the tale should be visualized as people you have seen or met, especially people you dont like. dont use anyone present, as NTs pick up weird signals like that. Re-enforce with voice pitch, overdone hand actions, staring, tension and relaxation. The larger the crowd the better. Such a telling is wasted with only one person present.

OH! and its not a 'story'. Ever. Its "what happened to me". Red flags go up in the mind of people that hear the word 'story'. Never forget this.

Reply please, if you need any clarity on what I have outlined.

I really don't know how you anyone actually deals with them. I mean in a sense these people act like the way children act. Say when I child breaks a friendship one day and this child is hateful one day and the next they're back together having a good old time as if nothing as happened. Either the person's mood is really one way and the next the person's mood is another way. Kind of two faced don't you think Fiz? Maybe you should ignore these people when they're in the I don't know you and I don't anything to do with you moment and love them back when they are in the right understanding I want to be with you moment. Hope that helps. Take care Fiz.

Fiz,

Fuzzy offers what looks to me like a good theory behind these people's behaviors. Also like any Aspie, you might not be correctly interpreting all the signs that they give you. That only gets worse when you're dealing with individuals who can't or won't understand what AS is all about.

I'm not in a position that I can notice your ways that closely, but do you have one or two good friends, maybe a relative that you're close to, that can give you a brutally honest opinion about anything about you that they themselves would like to see change? We all have flaws to one degree or another. It's a matter of being aware of them and to change what can be changed.

Speaking from experience, it can be hard for an Aspie to discern the true nature of a person's integrity, virtues, and values unless you've known her or him for some time. Is this a true friend? Or is this person just not compatible to have in my entourage? Is this person fair to all others around him/herself, or does s/he fulfil all wants and needs by treachery? Does s/he talk about ideas, things, or other people, and how does s/he broach the topics? What kind of attitude predominates this person? Sometimes we need to take time to observe and get to know. I'm sure you'll come across the finest the human race could offer but OTOH, at the extreme far end of the scale, there could be a Hitler or a Stalin behind that façade and more than I care to mention, we don't clue in on those ones until it's too late

Like the saying goes:
True friends are like diamonds, precious and rare
False friends are like autumn leaves, they are found everywhere

I agree that what Fuzzy has said is very useful, thanks Fuzzy, I'll definitely bear everything you've said in mind.

I will admit that I do find people difficult to understand sometimes or interpret certain signs, but then like you say Papillon, this happens to Aspies. Thank you for your advice also.

In my humble view, it's a mistake to try and understand people, they only worry me more when I try.

That said, I've had people do that to me too. My ex-girlfriend did it often.

I wouldn't even waste my precious time thinking about their motives. The most important thing is whether you're getting what you want out of the friendship. If you're not and you've tried to be accommodating, then move on. And why is it when other people treat us like crap it's automaticly "our fault" anyway?

No nirrti, but it is our responsibility. By learning motive and action, we lessen the negatives in our condition, and make our lives happier. After all, its not their fault either.

In these circumstances the thing I can say is you must understand if a person acts like that its cause of issues with family mental disorder and such. This has helped me so many times. It prevented me from getting into fights with people cause they wanted to for nothing. I pear into my many pschological reasons and then thats it. A bully thought I was 16 and was starting something for no reason. I remembered that bullies have family problems. That fact alone stopped me from acting even though my hardware is much greater than his. I have a big responsiblity not to abuse my power cause I am very strong. I get a pay off each time and that helps me remember to do this. That means especially you kenm if you are reading this. I learned latter it would be rape if a 23 year old attacks a 16 year old. I also can afford that kind of trouble.

I tend to lean in that direction. You can spend hours and days trying to understand why someone did something, but it may well have been a semi-random act. You might be able to find an explanation for it, but I think that a significant amount of the time, there is not even any particular reason for their behavior. Or the cause of their behavior relies on such a complex and dizzying array of subtle factors that it is, for all practical purposes, random. Their mood may even have been affected by what they had for lunch, or that they missed lunch, or that their caffeine-fix has expired.

Not all the time. Sometimes it is genuinely useful to attempt to understand someones behavior. Useful insights can definitely be gained by analyzing the behavior of others. HOWEVER I would not be too concerned if you cannot find any explanation -- just assign it to the "another semi-random act" bin. I am pretty sure that humans are not completely deterministic. Aspies are possibly more deterministic than NT's, altho' that is just a hypothesis I invented on the spot right here and now

I don't do that to all. Its only to those that are important like moms and friends. Others I say issue back off have compassion.