Making new friends in new place

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I've been living in my current city for about three years now, but don't really have many friends here. I'm awful in social situations when I am with people who I have never met before or do not know very well, until I find something we have in common. But finding that something in common is difficult when I can't really speak to them in the first place.

During my time here, I've been in the same job so got to know people there and we go out socially infrequently. Most of them have kids, so don't want to do anything in the evening (fair enough). Those who don't, I'm not really sure how to progress this to friends outside work. There's one person (opposite sex) of a similar age who I regularly have instant message conversations about random stuff in-between work chats, but no idea how suggest doing something social outside work without making it seem like I'm asking her out.

I considered going to an evening class, but I'll just feel all awkward and quit. Tried age old advice of "just go to the pub and talk to people" several times, but always keep myself to myself so never talk to anyone.

The really odd thing is that I can get up in front of 100+ people now (couldn't do this a few years ago) and talk about my work (at conferences and meetings), but put me in a small group and I just go quiet. It's incredibly frustrating.

Does anyone have any suggestions? I live on my own, so often don't have any company outside work during weekdays.

I hope someone can help us, for I'm in the same boat as you! Never quite sure what to do.

I am the same way. I can give a speech easy, get an A in the course, and then bomb out when it comes to the social dinner afterward. But, the fact that she is able to have an instant message conversation with you already means a lot. No girl will have a conversation, online or offline, with a person she is uncomfortable with. So, she is likely already comfortable with you. Worst case scenario, she has a crush on you, and will become devastated if she finds out you are not interested in the same manner. Even if you are, it is best to keep this a secret during the first phases. And, if you invite her to a social work function, she will no doubt see how you're having trouble with the social interaction, and that may make her feel any number of different awkward feelings.

Granted, it raises to question: If you don't have any romantic interest in this person, then why would you want anything beyond instant messaging? I see a bigger issue. Deal with the root of the problem, and start going to bars during happy hour. Find out which bars have a happy hour. This usually means day time, between three and six, when things are fairly slow. First of all, you can just socialize with the bartender. Bartenders are not allowed to say anything critical, or behave in any alienating manner. (If they do, get the manager, and watch how that unfolds. Oh boy). But just see it as social practice, and tip the bartender twenty percent. Ask the bartender random questions. Things like, "Are you from around here?" "What do you do for fun around here?" Etc., because even if the bartender asks if you just moved in, or where you are from, you can make up anything you want. And if you forget what you made up, it still does not matter. A bartender is almost literally paid to be a robot.

You'll want to practice before you ask this special friend to come to any sort of outing with you - otherwise, you will just run into the same problems you've had at previous outings and gatherings. You say something, the room gets quiet, and you hear a pin drop. Better to practice those moments on some random bartender, don't you think? And then, on top of that, there are usually other weird types who show up at happy hour for the same reason. Try striking up conversation with other patrons during these experimental phases. Otherwise, go ahead and instant message your female friend, and ask HER to meet you at such-and-such place during happy hour. You're not using people. No, and quite frankly, it's usually the other way around. Neurotypical people use each other as doors to get something they want - according to Rudy Simone in her book "Asperger's on the job." Just because you're not like that doesn't mean you can't get in some practice sessions.

Otherwise, consider your female friend a practice session. For all you know, that may be her angle as well.

But you can't talk about anything in this post. I.e., "We don't talk about the game. We just do it."

It's called playing social patty-cake, and those people out there are sharks when it comes to that.

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So, I found something going on one weekend during the day and asked if she wanted to go. Got a really lame excuse back, so didn't bother trying to organise anything outside work after that, as she didn't seem interested.

Fast forward to last week, then she asks me to a party at her house at the weekend. Couldn't think of anything worse for me. Loud music and lots of strangers to not talk to. Made my excuse and didn't go. Story of my life.

Does anyone have any advice of ways of increasing confidence when it comes to meeting new people? Somedays speaking to my colleagues at work is the only real form of social interaction I actually get