Inability to choose good and relevant friendships

Post Reply New Topic

Hey, I'm reading a book called "Been there, done that, try this!" which is targeted towards aspies.
Recently i have had some problems with my friends. I know i do mistakes, but in this case i cant see what i have done.
this book explains that aspies can have problems choosing good friends, doesn't know what a good friend is. What do you think about this?

I think that perhaps, the inherent difficulty in relating to people, coupled with the common struggle of expressing ourselves, reaching out, as it were and the common result of a feeling of isolation; all can breed a terrible frustration and natural increasing want of social contact, can, I think, lead a person to a sense of desperation, like a man deprived of water and food and in so much want of relief that even if he is given food he would ordinarily find repugnant and water that tasted disgustingly lukewarm and bitter; he would instead, in that state of want, find it in the short term immediately gratifying, even though he might get sick later.

In my case, at least, I would hang around people who, while I still care about, proved, for me, quite toxic of a relationship, but at the time I was so starved for validation and acceptance, or rather a sense of it, that I would tolerate things I ought nought and compromise my values in a way that, understandably made me feel disgusting, but I would end up participating in that kind of relationship for years and even though it proved pleasurable in the short term, in the long term it was hurting me.

For me, the change came when I found a source of worth and acceptance in God, rather than primarily in imperfect humans, but in any event I think plenty of people, Autistic or not, can end up seeking their worth and validation in the wrong places and people, but our natural difficulty in realating to people, plus a possible built up sense of want, can make it difficult in noticing abuse and standing up for ourselves.

Finally, (apologies for the wall of text....) I think the fact that you desire to understand and are educating yourself on this topic, is an excellent step in pursuing healthy relationships.

I became friends with whoever chose me. Most of my friends have been in jail, in rehab, or died from drugs or suicide. They were mostly very abusive. I believe this, for me, was just a logistics problem. My only choices for friends were people in my environment, and I had a small environment. Also, only messed up people wanted to be friends with a person who was so different (me). I didn't make decent friends until I expanded my environment. This happens naturally as you get older. As far as true friends go, though, I don't have any. In order to be a true friend, a connection must be felt, and I don't feel connected to anyone. My dogs are much better company than humans anyway. I don't have to try to decode their communications with me. They are easy to figure out.

I also agree with your response @pasty, it's true that the less options you have, the less likely you can find quality friendships, thus if possible, a pursuit to expand one's environment is crucial, though this can be easier said than done of course; also that a mutual bond is indispensable if any kind of relationship is to form..., but if you are able and want too and desire to put in the effort, @MsGreen, then I would encourage you to keep expanding your environment and perspectives, and don't stop trying to understand, if possible.

I have that book too, it's a good one with some useful help and advice.

For me, the choosing of less than good friends is a combination of what's already been mentioned, such as being too grateful just for anyone who offered friendship even though it wasn't the best kind for the best reasons, but also, in my case, I have never been able to 100% shake an innate naivete, in which even though I get cynical about life and people in general, I can still be deceived/"taken in" by someone who pretends they have good intentions. I can be gullible about an individual who puts on a good show of being a good person and someone to trust.

I would say I'm getting better at this -- I was very gullible when younger, and more recently there is more that I now see through in people. But I still never totally am able to get rid of ALL my willingness to think the best of someone until proved otherwise, and while that sounds very "nice," nice gets you hurt.