How do I put this right?
I don't often make social errors because I have good TOM, but on Friday I kind of got my social performances muddled in a certain situation.
A friend at work (let's just call her A) has been diagnosed with a lung disease from years of heavy smoking, and she is such a nicotine addict, that this diagnosis hasn't even made her stop. I expressed that I was worried about her, and although I despise smoking, I still gave her all my sympathy. I have had arguments in the past with her, so I worried in case she might think that I'm secretly glad she's got this lung disease (even though we are friends now), so I tried my best to be extra friendly to her, to show how much I really cared. Until it went a bit too far, to unintentionally look like I didn't care:
She was in the office with another close co-worker of ours (let's just call her B), who is also our supervisor, and A was begging her if she could have a quick cigarette break. B said no, not only because she's worried about her lung disease too, but because it was during work time. So, me trying to be on A's side, I put an arm round A and passively said, "aw, let her have a quick cigarette!", being so A really seemed desperate and looked annoyed at B for not letting her.
Now I think what I said wasn't the right thing, because it might look like I wanted A to keep smoking so she could die - which was NOT what I was intending at all. It's just that A knows that I am against workers having extra breaks to smoke during their shifts because of us non-smokers not being allowed any extra breaks. So that was why I wanted to be on her side about cigarette breaks for once, because her nicotine fixes make her happy.
I really should stop overempathising and just keep my mouth shut. I've been worrying about my social error over the week-end. Is there any way I can put it right?
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Female
I don't see that you did anything wrong at all actually.
It's not smart for A to continue to smoke, but she's an adult and she's going to do whatever she wants to do, whether it's stupid or not. And she's obviously so addicted to the nicotine that she doesn't care that she's going to die from her addiction. That or she's completely in denial. Either way, it's not your problem. It's hers. She's a big girl and she knows what she needs to do. If she chooses not to do it - so be it, it's not your responsibility.
You know that saying, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. Same deal.
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That which does not kill us makes us stranger.
Offera genuine apology to both. If I were you I would tell them that you meant to help out, but you ended up maybe saying or doing something rude. Let them confirm or deny any hurt feelings. Chances are they will appreciate your honesty under the desire to mean well.
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Diagnosed in 2015 with ASD Level 1 by the University of Utah Health Care Autism Spectrum Disorder Clinic using the ADOS-2 Module 4 assessment instrument [11/30] -- Screened in 2014 with ASD by using the University of Cambridge Autism Research Centre AQ (Adult) [43/50]; EQ-60 for adults [11/80]; FQ [43/135]; SQ (Adult) [130/150] self-reported screening inventories -- Assessed since 1978 with an estimated IQ [≈145] by several clinicians -- Contact on WrongPlanet.net by private message (PM)
Sweetleaf
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It doesn't sound to me like what you did would make her believe you wanted her to die, but it does sound like it would make her believe you were mocking her predicament or bullying her.
You don't have to act the helpful part. Be truly helpful with the things you can help with. That's all she needs from you.