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W91T
Toucan
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Joined: 10 Dec 2015
Posts: 257

01 Jan 2017, 9:47 am

Hi. I've realized that I've become a fake person. I don't like to talk, I don't like to laugh and I have mostly no interest in what my friends talk about. I'ts enough for me to be with them, occasionally ask them questions about themselves (not about relevant events, celebrities or music) and just do stuff with them.

I do have friends, but I don't really have any fun with them, I feel like I'm just acting according to how most people want us to be, but If I don't act like that, they think I'm cold, boring and eventually leave me.

Too be honest I feel like everyone are alike but me, so I can't get any friends I'll actually have fun with.

Do you have any solutions? Is there anyone else in the same situation?



on
Butterfly
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Joined: 27 Sep 2016
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01 Jan 2017, 4:19 pm

Unlike you I wouldn't say I have friends, only people who I very rarely meet and people who I converse with if we happen to be at the same place (e.g. because we visit the same school). I still often act the way I am supposed to act. I've noticed about myself that I am unconsciously looking for ways to connect with other people. I repeat the same phrases and generally act without positive motivations (fear of being inappropriate plays a huge role here). I often feel it's either inappropriate or too serious to talk about what I think on a given topic or I just don't have anything to say. Like you, I am faking most of the time. There was actually one person (I'd call him a friend) in my life with whom I could connect better than with other people, but even with him I would fake and I always felt something was lacking.

Are people with Asperger's generally acting according to how people want them to act (because this is what you imply)? In my opinion, yes. It would seem that because we have learned not to rely on our gut feelings when it comes to socializing we have developed more acceptable ways of communication. This means that we often do not say what we want to say with the way we act not reflecting the way we could be if we were not restricted by social norms. Even NTs can't just blurt out what's on their minds, but because they are socially adept they often find ways to express themselves that are more appropriate according to their audience.

Can you do something about this? Yes, but it depends on you and your circumstances.
1.) Try to befriend people who share the same interests and / or understand that you are not socially adept or who share the same deficits.
2.) Get better at socializing with NTs. (This, however, might always feel fake because it doesn't come naturally, if you can at all progress reasonably.)

You also mention that you feel like everyone is alike. From an objective point of view, obviously they are not. Why do you feel like this then? Probably because you don't see the finer structures that make people different. A swan surrounded by thousands of ducks might think that all of the ducks look the same. But if s/he looked closer, s/he would notice a specific tone of blue that the other ducks don't have or s/he would spot that one duck has an exceptionally long tail feather or that their beak is longer than that of the others. Comparing them to themselves the differences would be so obvious that s/he puts them all in the same category. And like humans can usually much more easily distinguish between the faces of other humans than they could distinguish between one black cat and another the swan in this analogy would have a hard time seeing the small details that make each duck unique and recognizable.



W91T
Toucan
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Joined: 10 Dec 2015
Posts: 257

01 Jan 2017, 7:28 pm

on wrote:
Unlike you I wouldn't say I have friends, only people who I very rarely meet and people who I converse with if we happen to be at the same place (e.g. because we visit the same school). I still often act the way I am supposed to act. I've noticed about myself that I am unconsciously looking for ways to connect with other people. I repeat the same phrases and generally act without positive motivations (fear of being inappropriate plays a huge role here). I often feel it's either inappropriate or too serious to talk about what I think on a given topic or I just don't have anything to say. Like you, I am faking most of the time. There was actually one person (I'd call him a friend) in my life with whom I could connect better than with other people, but even with him I would fake and I always felt something was lacking.

Are people with Asperger's generally acting according to how people want them to act (because this is what you imply)? In my opinion, yes. It would seem that because we have learned not to rely on our gut feelings when it comes to socializing we have developed more acceptable ways of communication. This means that we often do not say what we want to say with the way we act not reflecting the way we could be if we were not restricted by social norms. Even NTs can't just blurt out what's on their minds, but because they are socially adept they often find ways to express themselves that are more appropriate according to their audience.

Can you do something about this? Yes, but it depends on you and your circumstances.
1.) Try to befriend people who share the same interests and / or understand that you are not socially adept or who share the same deficits.
2.) Get better at socializing with NTs. (This, however, might always feel fake because it doesn't come naturally, if you can at all progress reasonably.)

You also mention that you feel like everyone is alike. From an objective point of view, obviously they are not. Why do you feel like this then? Probably because you don't see the finer structures that make people different. A swan surrounded by thousands of ducks might think that all of the ducks look the same. But if s/he looked closer, s/he would notice a specific tone of blue that the other ducks don't have or s/he would spot that one duck has an exceptionally long tail feather or that their beak is longer than that of the others. Comparing them to themselves the differences would be so obvious that s/he puts them all in the same category. And like humans can usually much more easily distinguish between the faces of other humans than they could distinguish between one black cat and another the swan in this analogy would have a hard time seeing the small details that make each duck unique and recognizable.


Thank you for your time. Sometimes I just feel like I want to let it all out, but I'm afraid of their reactions. I'm not really close with my friends either. I have tried option 1.) but I can't find anyone who have the same interests or problems that I can get along with, still looking though. I guess I feel like everyone is alike because I don't really know them well, but it's true that I also have problems with seeing the difference between people except for their appearance. I'll try both of the options.



AngryAngryAngry
Velociraptor
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Age: 47
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Posts: 496
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06 Jan 2017, 10:26 pm

It can be difficult to find people with shared interests, keep reaching out. Online forums, youtube, anything. Once you get a good conversation going it can lead to closer and closer ties.

Most people are fake, if you were to look inside their heads (when socialising).
Try to mitigate it by sterring the group towards an activity/conversation topic that you enjoy.
(can we meet up at minigolf? How about we try some festival films instead this time? There is this one that looks pretty good..."

Sometimes you can mention your special interests to people, you may find out they're into the same thing - people sometimes are afraid to admit to having some interests.



TheSpectrum
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07 Jan 2017, 12:13 pm

W91T wrote:
Hi. I've realized that I've become a fake person. I don't like to talk, I don't like to laugh and I have mostly no interest in what my friends talk about. I'ts enough for me to be with them, occasionally ask them questions about themselves (not about relevant events, celebrities or music) and just do stuff with them.

I do have friends, but I don't really have any fun with them, I feel like I'm just acting according to how most people want us to be, but If I don't act like that, they think I'm cold, boring and eventually leave me.

Too be honest I feel like everyone are alike but me, so I can't get any friends I'll actually have fun with.

Do you have any solutions? Is there anyone else in the same situation?

Sounds like you're not a fake person but instead are trying to keep the friends you have.
Find new friends.


_________________
Yours sincerely, some dude.


W91T
Toucan
Toucan

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Joined: 10 Dec 2015
Posts: 257

08 Jan 2017, 4:49 pm

AngryAngryAngry wrote:
It can be difficult to find people with shared interests, keep reaching out. Online forums, youtube, anything. Once you get a good conversation going it can lead to closer and closer ties.

Most people are fake, if you were to look inside their heads (when socialising).
Try to mitigate it by sterring the group towards an activity/conversation topic that you enjoy.
(can we meet up at minigolf? How about we try some festival films instead this time? There is this one that looks pretty good..."

Sometimes you can mention your special interests to people, you may find out they're into the same thing - people sometimes are afraid to admit to having some interests.


Thank you for answering. I thought I was mean for thinking that many people act fake, but I guess it's normal.



W91T
Toucan
Toucan

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Joined: 10 Dec 2015
Posts: 257

08 Jan 2017, 4:51 pm

TheSpectrum wrote:
W91T wrote:
Hi. I've realized that I've become a fake person. I don't like to talk, I don't like to laugh and I have mostly no interest in what my friends talk about. I'ts enough for me to be with them, occasionally ask them questions about themselves (not about relevant events, celebrities or music) and just do stuff with them.

I do have friends, but I don't really have any fun with them, I feel like I'm just acting according to how most people want us to be, but If I don't act like that, they think I'm cold, boring and eventually leave me.

Too be honest I feel like everyone are alike but me, so I can't get any friends I'll actually have fun with.

Do you have any solutions? Is there anyone else in the same situation?

Sounds like you're not a fake person but instead are trying to keep the friends you have.
Find new friends.


Thank you. I am starting to realize that people at school aren't the only people I have to make friends with.